In the watches of the night

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." (Psalm 63:5-7 ESV)

It's one of those nights when I had coffee too late...
But I am reveling in this time with my Father.

Tonight, I took things to him in a way that I haven't in a while. I trusted my Jesus, recognized that He was the only one who could help me in this and He showed up. For the first time in a while I heard Him delight in me, with clarity. I heard and felt His great love for me.

Tears of joy couldn't be stopped from streaming down my face as I listened to songs of praise and meditated on the works He has done. I couldn't help but smile as His joy radiated from my heart. The salt of tears was not an unfamiliar taste at this time but instead of a cool sting they left warm trails on my face. I was finally back to my Father's beckoning arms.

Renewal

I have heaped failure into an immeasurable wall... And I thought it was impenetrable. The only thing that could keep me from You is... myself. Even that was hard. Condemnation and lies beckon, my mind would start to sway; but You always call me back again.

I see a girl who messes up, You see Your daughter who does everything she can to please You. I see someone who couldn't possibly lead, You see a broken vessel, ready to fill. I see a girl full of imperfection, You see the one You love in every way.

Jesus, tear down "these walls I built between You and me". They are nothing but walls and You, the Creator of my heart. You wove me and have known me from the very start.

I made an exception.

Sometimes gaining trust involves healing... And finding someone who will stick with you through the healing process is something special.

I know that God sends people your way to help you through life and teach you things, so that you may walk through life with them. I just feel infinitely blessed.

I cry thinking about how fortunate I am and how one of my friends was mistreated. I don't know why I am so fortunate and blessed but I want to "not be blind with privelege" and have "eyes to see the pain". I want to help those who are hurting and need hope.

Going through this process of allowing someone to gain my trust and healing has been hard. I feel like at times I will be let go of or tossed aside if I do something wrong. Then I remember God's love for me and I know that this guy is not looking for my slip ups. I am thankful for the way that he cares, even in subtle ways.

He makes me smile.

A breath of fresh air

I need to write.

There are so many things that I don't take the time to reflect upon. When I do reflect on my day, I find myself seeing God's fingerprint and hand in everything. I still love the lines that Anna Nalick sung in her song...

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to..."

Sometimes I just need this time. It doesn't feel like I can speak the things that are weighing on my heart or process the thoughts in my mind. When I write, things become so clear. I may not come up with clear solutions, but I discover what is in my heart. It's like the source of my emotions rises to the surface; a bit of me that was hiding in the depths is able to surface for a breath of air.

That's what writing is to me. A breath of fresh air. A lifesaver in the midst of the raging sea.
It is a way that I connect with God. I feel Him beckoning..."over here, there's something you have missed". And the way I am able to weave in Scripture and art that reflects His glory. I love it.

Lately, I have felt as though there was not enough room for everything.

I felt like I put way too much effort into things that just didn't work out.
I tried waking up early to work on assignments and start my day off right with quality time with God and breakfast... with hopes of exercising once the routine was set.

Yet, when I went to sleep early it didn't matter. I would sleep for countless hours.

I tried to stay up late to fit in my assignments. Then I would wake up feeling rushed and tired.

Setting habits and routines are so hard. But I recognize how important it is, especially for people with mental illness. I am just so frustrated at how hard it has been and the health problems I have had this semester. When they do happen I feel like it's my fault and when I try to explain it to get help in school I feel like I'm making excuses.

It should not be that way.

Just as if I were sick with the flu or as if I broke a bone, I should feel comfortable enough to explain that something is wrong and not feel ashamed to get help.

I just feel like I always cry in those moments.

That's when the thoughts come in that
"I'm too weak" "they probably think I'm crying to get better grades" "why do I always cry? Is something wrong with me?" "when will I ever get through this?"

On the other hand, I am so blessed to have the assistance and support that I do. I just don't understand why I still feel that way. There is a stigma attached to mental illness and years of hurt that have built up, not even due to intentional harm from people but just the nature of the trauma that happened in episodes and misunderstanding from people who thought I was just slower at doing things.

That slower processing that occurred with different medicine changes caused me to view myself as someone who was inferior. My ex-boyfriend recognized that he would get frustrated at me too much and realized that it was too much so we ended our relationship. I was left thinking that maybe no one would be able to "deal with me" or understand me fully. I have even had jobs or volunteer where people would get impatient with me for the time it took for me to complete tasks.

Now, as far as relationships go, I dream of a husband who will see me as God sees me. One that sees the beauty in my perceived flaws, that can laugh with me at silly things, and be there with me through the hardest times. He doesn't have to cry with me, give me answers to life's questions or even understand completely what I'm going through. Just to say,"I'm here" is enough.

It still seems like someone like that will never come. There is some piece of me that still holds on to a lie that it is not possible to have a healthy relationship that stems from many divorces and marital problems that I saw happening around me..."And that was the day that I promised that I'd never sing of love if it doesn't exist..."

That song spoke directly to my fear... only instead of living with a distance and pushing guys away, I searched for acceptance and comfort that I knew was found in one person alone.

"Why the searching, O tired soul? ," My heart cries.


"I'm here."
I still remember those words clear as day as I watched "Robin Hood". I was pining for a relationship where someone would take great risk for me and pursue me as Robin Hood pursued Marian.

How many times do we chase after what's been in front of us all along?

Like the story of the prodigal son, the Father stands waiting. I imagine him with a tear in his eye, his lips curled up in a warm smile as he holds out his arms.

And I remember his promises. The promise that He will never leave nor forsake me. The promise that nothing could ever separate me from His love. The promise that my family will be okay. The promise that He has someone special for me. The promise that He will go before me and be with me. The promise that He will use me as an advocate. The promise that He will use my voice... I am a daughter with purpose and meaning, value and important things to say.

Rewind.

After talking with a friend tonight, I decided...

No more just flowery posts. Not everything that I put up here will be poetic, or full of insight and perfection. Some of what I post will not have a resolution. And I will have to be okay with that.

That is the part of me that I wanted to explore on this journey... the part that is figuring it out, the part that doesn't have every inch of life figured out to the tee.

That is the part of me that I never want to hide, no matter how hard it may be or how painful it may become. I find it ridiculous that we would try to paint a picture that everything is perfect and fine and dandy when the truth is, we are all broken.

Don't get me wrong. I have hope. Tons of hope. And I believe that God is redeeming this imperfect world. But until then, we have to let our walls fall, let our barriers down and let one another in. There is no other way of doing this... no other way of doing life together. Life is meant to be shared. Not lived alone.

That being said....
Lately...
Lately, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This time I am starting to read the curves. I am learning more about myself and becoming more aware. I'm still screaming on the hills though. And I beat myself up for it. I keep thinking when I get to a low point that I will be more prepared and that I can easily lift myself out. I always lose sight in the darkness though.

I was thinking today about a storm. (Sorry, this is using a lot of analogies so it is becoming poetic fast, but in reality I do think this way) I thought to myself. Why? Why do we take our eyes off of Jesus? I keep thinking about head knowledge and heart knowledge. I know that He is all-powerful and caring. Logically, He will make sure that I'm okay, right? Those waves sure do seem convincing though. They are real and tangible, when He is out of reach. They lash against me and pull me down.

All I can do is faintly hear His voice.

Sometimes I don't even hear a thing.

Sometimes I wonder...
Where are you?

Sometimes I run to other people.

They seem tangible enough.

I can't seem to focus enough to read anything, let alone read Your Word.

How do I bring myself to trust?

Trust You enough to believe and remember those promises You made me, no matter how high the waves climb, no matter how loud the winds howl?

Honestly, I'm tired.

Tired of falling so hard and deep that I completely lose sight of His promises for me. And honestly, a promise is what I care least about in those moments. One word. Just one word is all I want to hear from God when I'm in those situations.

I want to be reliant upon God and not feel like a burden to those around me or feel like I'm the weakest person ever.

I know. Weak isn't bad.
Well, it may be to you.
The mystery of His kingdom is that the last are first and the weak are made strong.
Easier said than done.

Drenched in Your Love.

Oh, how I've missed you, Lord!

The thought that you are proud of me still seems foreign,
But I await the day with eager expectation that this comforting truth begins to seep in...
Deep.
Let Your uncontrollable love wash over me.

I know this is what You have waited for,
The explosion of a million passions inside my heart.
I was meant for more,
More than comfortable living,
More than just getting by.
You created me with purpose,
With care,
With passion.
In a process of intricate and thoughtful invention
You knit me together in my mother's womb.

This very breath that I take,
Everything that I have comes from You,
Flows through me in a loving exchange,
I owe it all to You.

Love,
Your love
Is more than enough...
More than the endless stretch of the emerald sea.

..........................
I just want to thank you for a freedom from the cares of this world. I thank you for Your comfort, for revealing things to me in Your perfect timing; for continually healing, redeeming, restoring and making me new. You have melted away my fear and insecurities with Your love. I believe that You are perfect love; Lord, in You there is no darkness. You cast out the darkness with Your light and enable me to live with power, love, and sound mind. I love that I am secured in You. Jesus, thank you that You have always protected me from harm. Jesus, You are all I need, forever.

Worth it

Is it true...
Can it be?

You bled and died so that
I could be completely free.
Yet, what have I done?
Sat back down and hid everything inside.

Forgiven...
You say I'm forgiven.
You call me Yours.
I have become my own worst critic,
I can't see past the faults
Your perfect love,
Stronger than death
Came and dwelt with us,
The only thing that could overcome sin,
Dwelt in flesh,
So that we might receive Your righteousness.
"You are forgiven."

Finished.
"It is done."
No more tapes replayed inside your head.
No more believing the lies that disguise themselves as truth.
Free.
"You are free."
Free to be yourself.
Just the way you were made,
Designed with beauty and delight...
Perfect in the Father's eyes.
Precious one,
Forget the lies,
Forget the worries and cares you hold deep inside.

"Run to me."
Run to me,
Daughter, I have set you free.

"You were worth it all to me."

Jesus, You are to me...

Some time, a long time ago, I wrote out an expression of who Jesus was to me:

"How do I describe who and what You are to me?When I think about how truly beautiful You are my heart skips for joy.You are the joy radiating from my smile,the very rays of the sun,Light of the world, You arethat blanket holding me secure,an overwhelming peace,the wind gently brushing my face,Prince of Peace,You arethe constant beat of my heartevery breath that I takethe living water that sustainsLife,You are..." (http://serenadesunderstars.blogspot.com/2011/10/everything-you-are-to-me.html)And now I find myself reevaluating and processing the knowledge I have gained over those years.In a discussion about Jesus, I discovered that I was looking back on at least 19 years of a relationship with Christ and asking, "how do I know He's real?"Sure enough, I found the speaker spilling out my heart in a video. Somewhere across the world, in the crowded city of London, somebody had experienced the same Jesus that I knew.I think it's funny how something that seems so subjective, or that is looked at as subjective, is not as subjective as it seems. There is a real tangible Truth, my God is real... and He touches the lives of so many people everyday. It may be in different ways, for He is an infinite God; yet, He is the same person, through and through. As I look back at the poem, I can say that Jesus is all of that and more to me... He is the anchor that holds me steady,the one who beckons me gently into His presence,the power that tore the veil,He was and is and always will bethe one who wipes my tearswho holds my hearta comfort to the hopeless,He was and is and always will bethe one I can talk to,no matter what the circumstance,the closest friend one could ask for,He was and is and always will be,the only one who can calm the fear that wells up inside of me,He speaks with such authority,Wonderous Sovereign of the SeaHe was and is and always will be.

Come like you promised.

Just as it is easy to spill forth praise when times are easy or things are feeling good, I find it easy to write when I am inspired or when I have a burst of good feelings.

This... writing this... is not easy.

Don't get me wrong, life is not terrible right now. It is just hard.

I remember talking with someone about how when you get to a point of breakthrough, the devil will try to hit you with something new. I think that corresponds with new seasons in life. 

I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was, even a year ago. I'm not quite sure where, but I'm not there. 

I have reached the point where I realized that I absolutely need God, which is great; but the pain that it took to get there is not. Well, I guess that is what pain is for... to remember the feeling attached to that decision that was made, so that when it comes time to make that decision again it doesn't happen.

I was talking with someone else about how gracious God is. I feel like I don't deserve a thing, but He lavishes His love upon me. He blesses me when I don't treat Him as I should. 

I have not been spending time with Him as I should and, when I'm not looking at His grace, I count the times that I have spent with Him verses the times that I haven't. Yet, in light of His grace, I see that I have been keeping Him in my heart. It's just hard to remember that sometimes. We are our own worst critics. 

"There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Remember this, O, my soul.

And I write this because I know that I will look back and see how far God has brought me. I also write this, hoping somewhere someone can relate. I know that it is not much, but I feel that being real and genuine in this walk with Christ helps the world to see that we are not some super humans, but that it is by Christ alone that I live and have strength.

"I may be weak, but Your Spirit is strong in me."

I am very weak, but I have His glorious Spirit living in me. That same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead, lives in me. THAT, that truth alone is mind-blowing. If only I walked around believing that, and really taking hold of that truth at all times.

Lord, be with me, reminding me of Your truth. Let Your Words not depart from my mouth. Let me be strong because You are with me. 

Ahora, quiero estar en tu presencia. Ven Señor, ven como dijiste. Tu presencia vida me da.

To love and be loved by You...

I sit and I think
About my life and the weight of it all,
But when I read about Your love
Everything changes.

To know that I am loved,
That I have been loved
By a Creator
Who looks not at my past,
But who I am,
Who He created beautifully
And that He calls me precious,
He actually sees me for me
His love astounds me!

Then I think about how His grace,
abounding,
Looked at me before time
And said,
" I love her,
I will go to any length for her."
I remember that you said you loved me
While I was still a sinner.

Your promise I cling to:
Nothing could ever separate me from Your love.
And nothing ever will...
Whether I succeed, on my terms,
Or fail,
Whether I keep it together.
Or fall apart...
You will still love me.

And because You first loved us,
I will love outrageously!
Because You said You'd never leave
I will trust that, with You,
I can do anything.

I will stand on judgement day boldly,
Because You love me,
Because of the confidence that I am loved
And as Your Word assures me that,
I can now face anything.

Let Your perfect love reign in my heart.

The Lord is my strength.

Once again, what must have been the third time in a week, I was feeling emotionally flat.

"What's wrong with me? Why can't I be fun when everyone else is joking around?"
"Why can't I get past this?" "Why don't I feel myself?"
I struggled to join in on conversations and felt weird when I finally did. Things didn't seem to come out right. I just want to go home and sleep, forget it all, and wake up to a new day.

It's never easy when I feel this way and usually I don't catch and recognize it this easily. I thank God for the awareness He gives me about my feelings and emotional being.

I thank Him even more for the courage He gives me to step out and ask for help. It takes a lot of boldness and wisdom from the experiences God has given me. He has taught me to be open. I cannot think about His goodness in the way that He answers my prayers and cries for help when I call out to Him or ask friends to intercede on my behalf. He is and always has been faithful. I know that I need my God. He is my comforter, my strength, my all in all.

A psalm of desperation

Lord, I feel so weak. I’m stumbling over words, I keep making mistakes, I feel I can’t stop crying. I tried to be open, to be transparent with humility and I feel like I am being crushed. I don’t feel like any one understands. And it’s true. No one understands me like you do.

I just want to be completely healed. I want to experience this life I’m living to the fullest. God, I don’t understand why I have to go through this. I went through a lot already and I just want this part to end.

I want to be able to be full of you, to the brim. I want to be able to function at normal speed, to be able to think without feeling like my thoughts are jumbled or backed up in my head. I want to be able to be full of excitement and no hesitations... with nothing holding me back, not lethargy, not fear, not side effects. 

I see that You have brought me far. And, my God, You have never failed. It was always at the time and the moment that I could not see Your hands holding me. But now I see, You were there with me. 

You welcomed me with open arms when I was full of fear and had been running for days. 

You gave me wisdom when my enemies tried to mislead me and destroy my heart.

You comforted me in times of doubting and in feelings of rejection.

You sent friends my way that could cheer me up and tell me that they were in it with me until the end.

You gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning. I prayed that the doors of my past would shut; and, as long as I held Your hand, we walked through open doors.

Now I feel as though I'm turning to the closed doors again... returning to sit in the prison that I was freed from.

Yet, I remember Your words and I hear You calling me to freedom. 

"The door stands open. I see you dancing. Take my hand, I'll lead you through."

God, I want to dance with you!

Lead me to your streams overflowing, cool and refreshing and the green pastures where I may feed and rest in Your presence. 

Oh, how I need You, Lord.

Not going back

Today I heard a word on not letting the past define you.
So many times I have made excuses...
"I was diagnosed..." "I haven't done that in years..." "When I was in the hospital..."
or even, "my medicine makes me..." (not necessarily about the past, but still something I let define me that really does not)

The easy thing to do is to always make an excuse for why you can't do something.
Though it may be harder, I have found it much more rewarding to push past the "I can'ts" and the "I've nevers". It is the boldness and perseverance that the Lord has been cultivating in me that has brought me this far.

Trust me. It is not easy at all.

There are so many times I have wanted to give up and just be lazy. There were times that I thought all of the effort I had put in amounted to nothing.

Another thing that I had been working on had been openness. I learned that bringing things to light can be painful and terrifying, but healing. In this pushing forward and "pressing on toward the finish line", I have learned much the same. It has been painful and terrifying, but healing and, like I said, rewarding. The reward of knowing that I glorified the Father in what I did is worth much more than anything else.

I find it hurts much more to look back and realize that I had held back on what I could've done. In fact, part of what plagued me when I was hospitalized was a flood of memories of times that I could've done more. The accuser attacked me with so much, saying I had done wrong. The beauty of God's grace, now I'm finding in His love, is that He gives us many "second chances". I am ever grateful for His love and that He, our Father, is the judge; that He sent His Son to take our place. Beautiful.

What was beautiful about today was the singing congregation. And the songs that we sung were amazing. So profound.

Again, I think... what if we actually took the power in the words of the songs that we sang to God and put them to action.
I guess that is why we sing those words. It reminds us of who we are, who our God is and the truth found in His Word.

Today we sang about how God is more than able...
that is why we are able to be more than conquerors, I thought to myself.
He enables us to do so much more than we could have ever imagined we'd do.

It is so easy to live in the past and make excuses, but I don't want to take that route. I want to live in the unexpected, uncharted waters; wherever He leads me. I trust that He has a path for me that is better than I would've planned for myself.

I know that it will be difficult at times, but I want to trust in Him with all that I have.

Hope.

The other day I was reminded of my last hospital visit.

Instead of disappointment or sad memories, I was filled with hope.

"I think you're okay now," my friend said with such innocence.

I smiled.

I knew that God would deliver me from it all someday, but that someday is feeling more and more like any day now compared to the distant future that I had once hoped in.

To see how far God has brought me has been tremendous.

I still think about my pastor telling me, "when that day comes, you'll know."

Oh, the joy that will fill my heart with that certainty!

Don't get me wrong. There is still that lingering fear that something will suddenly happen again. Then I will feel as if all progress was lost. But what I have learned is that all is not lost. Indeed, it will most likely knock me off of my feet, yet when you're knocked down all you must do is get back up again.

I've learned that everything that has happened has made me stronger... wiser... and more appreciative of life and full of joy. Looking back, now, I see that I can handle things that I could not before. Though I still may not be as fast at completing tasks as other people, or do them the same way as other people I do not get discouraged, as I used to. Now, I observe. I learn from mistakes and learn more about myself. Most of the time I learn that the way I am looking at things is skewed and that I actually can do tasks efficiently if I don't overthink it and let discouragement get to me.

I used to think, "what did I do? I must deserve this." Then I am reminded of the man born blind in the gospel of John. And I remember Jesus' heart. I know my Jesus, and my God, and I know that he does not place sickness on people as punishment; but went around healing and speaking to broken hearts. Everyone in that day, and the disciples were expecting there to be some reason, some thing that the blind man did to deserve this. I don't claim to know everything about suffering, sickness and how it all works. What I do know is that we are all undeserving and that our great God chooses to show us grace. This has all come through a lot of time spent struggling and waiting upon the Lord. I know that I must continue to renew my mind and press in to Him.

He is the source of my strength. He says," My grace is sufficient."
So I hold on. No matter what happens, I trust in Him.

I know what the world will try to tell me, and even some believers... but I hold on to hope and keep faith that my God will bring me total healing.

Your Grace

You gave Your life for me
You came down
You poured out
Everything.

It's by Your grace
by Your grace, I live
by Your grace, I live in abundance of freedom and joy.

It's by Your love
by Your love, I am compelled
by Your love, I move and live and breathe.

It's by Your mercy
by Your mercy, I am set free
by Your mercy, I am redeemed.

Your power lives in me
Your love it covers me
Your glory is all I see

Let Your eyes be my mirror

After a few days of chaotic frustration I have come to a place of peace.

Yet, I realized... I must have felt the confusion that many feel and have felt before. And my heart broke for those who can't get past the frustration of feeling that the God of the universe is too distant and out of reach.

I wrote in a journal:
"You say, 'Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.' Well I've tried so many times to draw near..."

"Where are You?!" my heart cried.

I knew from experience that I had a faithful God, so I kept talking and waiting. He was right there all along. I cannot explain how He blessed me today and reminded me that He was there in His inexplicable way.

I know now to hold on. Hold on despite feelings and circumstances. Hold on when all seems lost. I know and remember that I am outrageously loved, that a God not only loves me but liked me enough to take an immense amount of pain, every sin and the weight of it all on the cross for me. He takes delight in me and wants me to see myself in the light that He sees me.

That is going to be hard, to see myself through His eyes. It is going to take renewal of the mind and strength that only He can give. It is going to take pressing in with an utter honesty. It is going to take humility. But His love, knowing Him... trusting Him is worth it.

Jesus, You see me.

For a while now I had chosen to believe that maybe I should just give up on my healing, that I should suck it up and persevere. I believed that sickness was a lesson so I should simply endure it.

Then, tonight as I was listening the Lord reminded me of the core issue in my heart. There was something he addressed when he told me that I was "perfectly done". Like the paralyzed man that was delivered to Jesus with a sense of urgency, I had a deeper issue than physical illness.

So I went back to my blog post about being fearfully and wonderfully made... I was blown away at what God spoke this time. I listened to the song I attached to the post, "When love sees you" by Mac Powell.

Do you remember the stories of the sick, the outcasts?

What did Jesus always do when they barreled their way through to reach him?
Did He correct them... Or did He commend them for their great faith?

I know now that I can trust my Father and His timing and ability in healing me, from the inside out. He knows what he is doing and He alone is capable of bringing complete restoration.

As I reflect on being fearfully and wonderfully made, I remember that it is not that I am perfect by anyone else's standards; but, just as a father at Vanguard said of his newborn daughter, God looked at me and with the first glance had a deep and unconditional love that nothing or no one could ever change. When He sees me, He sees beauty. When He sees me, He sees all that I can be and so pushes me to that capacity.

From up above...

...I see,
stretches of fields
where I found provision,
blue skies that I thought were out of reach;
standing here on this mountaintop
I see
that the climb was great
but not at all impossible.

I stand on mountains of defeated doubts,
all the notions of can't-dos and won't-evers
I stand on generations of pain
the stereotypes and the never-amount-to-anythings.

I stand here with You,
the One who enabled me to climb these heights,
to conquer my fears,
to speak to my trials,
to say, "you don't own me!"

I stand and I sing,
sing of Your great love,
of Your heart that is for us,
of a love that stretches farther than the eye can see.

And from up here
Your glory is what I see.

Inadequacy

God has been gracious.

I've felt like such a mess recently. I hit a wall when I chose to stay up late to finish an assignment. The part I felt I messed up on was the staying up despite knowing it would throw me off and the fact that I should've planned ahead more. I'm never the best at structuring and scheduling time to do homework and it usually catches up to me at some point.

Today I had to discuss with my counselor being overwhelmed. It's so easy to become overwhelmed if you allow yourself to. It is always such a relief to discuss strategies that can combat this feeling. The biggest thing for me is reaching out to others. I need to humbly reach out for help and I find it comforting to know that there are people simply willing to listen and pray with me.  I've seen that throughout this discovery process. I am discovering more about myself and how I handle things. It is rough sometimes trying to articulate what I am feeling or thinking, but it is worth it to try.

My counselor always reiterates and rephrases what I say in such a way that is not demeaning. That in turn allows me to gain more insight and see what I wouldn't have before.

I think that is why I enjoy writing so much. I feel I can clearly and effectively get my ideas across. I feel I have more control and I can visualize and manipulate the words to my liking. Sometimes speaking is hard. Yet I wonder how many of those times are when I simply feel inadequate, when I actually have no problem. I say this because I know how many times God has said that He wants to use my voice. Logically, that means the enemy will do everything he can to make me not want to use my voice. And how many times have I been a Moses, saying, "oh, no, Lord, You could never use me!" ... Making every excuse in order to avoid humiliation when there is a greater issue at hand. What would have happened if Moses said, "no". Now this is hypothetical because God's will is always accomplished... But say no one stood up to take the lead. There was more at stake than Moses' reputation. There were many captives lives involved.

What I'm getting at has to do with something I heard at a church recently: we must "put God's calling before our excuses". After all, He is the one that sees the bigger picture. Trust is stepping out even when you can't see that bigger picture. We have to remember also that sometimes it's more than just about ourselves individually.

I have been terrible at being outward focused recently; I'm just going to admit these things. When I let my problems consume me, I leave no room to love, let alone think about another other than myself . I need a realignment and a fresh filling of His love. I am thankful for a love that frees and allows me to pour out into others.

Introduction to the Video Blog

I decided to start a video blog to go along with this written one. The link to the vimeo channel can be found here.

Challenges.

I am happy.

I promise.

But as you look at me you question it.

It's just hard when everyone else seems to have no difficulty enjoying themselves. I mean it shouldn't be hard to dance, and it's not that I don't have rhythm... it's just hard for me to focus and stay interested. Every time I jump up to join everyone I try my hardest to keep going, to seem like I'm having just as much fun, but it doesn't come as easy for me.

I force a smile to let you know I'm okay. Then I return to the table to watch from afar.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be a life-of-the-party type. I would have energy and confidence, and I didn't have to think things through. Now it seems as though every move must be carefully planned in this situation. I'm fine until I am surrounded by the crowd and the music blares.

Sometimes I just wish I could enjoy dancing again. I wish I could be as carefree as the others on the dancefloor. Why does something so simple have to be so difficult?

I still would never take back the struggles that I've faced but I just wish that the "me" that feels so deeply hidden inside would have its chance to spring forth and blossom, to return to its splendor.

Infinite embrace

Sometimes I wonder...

I think about my past and wonder why I have such a hard time trusting people. It's like one minute I'm fine, then the next I fall into distrust. I just want to be able to not have these burning doubts in my heart about people's intentions.

For one second I would like to have peace in my heart about relationships where I have no reason to believe that something is wrong. The problem is I get this idea in my head and then I have a reason to believe that something truly is wrong.

My biggest struggle is when I don't hear from someone. I take the smallest instances and blow them out of proportion.

Where does this come from?

I believe it is a seed rooted in rejection. That is exactly what I feel in those moments: fear of rejection.

What would it be like to let go?
To give over control?

Could I throw up my hands and allow the cool breeze of freedom to roll over my hands? Watch my cares drift away until they become delicate specks on the horizon?

Then would He reach for me?

I'd see my Father, arms outstretched to pick me up.

That's where I long to be.

Faith in the Unseen

How do I begin?

Do I start with a greeting? Just as I had greeted people before?

But that was not sufficient. It couldn't possibly describe me. It was a greeting that couldn't define me.

"Hi, I'm Sarah. I have bipolar disorder."

Yet, it seemed to sum up everything that I thought I was at that moment. I couldn't seem to see myself as anything more than a person who had bipolar disorder. My days were centered around it. When I faced challenges it had to be because I was bipolar. When I was feeling happy, it had to be bipolar disorder. All I could remember of my past when I talked to people were hospital stays and gaining weight. I couldn't seem to get any further than those major events when I lost my sanity.

Now I'm here, still trying to understand what happened and how I can deal with all of this. I don't feel I'll ever completely understand. That's where faith kicks in... faith in a God who has me in His hands, in a God who created me with care, who loves me and will never let me go. I have faith that He knows what He is doing and that His will shall be accomplished.