Inadequacy

God has been gracious.

I've felt like such a mess recently. I hit a wall when I chose to stay up late to finish an assignment. The part I felt I messed up on was the staying up despite knowing it would throw me off and the fact that I should've planned ahead more. I'm never the best at structuring and scheduling time to do homework and it usually catches up to me at some point.

Today I had to discuss with my counselor being overwhelmed. It's so easy to become overwhelmed if you allow yourself to. It is always such a relief to discuss strategies that can combat this feeling. The biggest thing for me is reaching out to others. I need to humbly reach out for help and I find it comforting to know that there are people simply willing to listen and pray with me.  I've seen that throughout this discovery process. I am discovering more about myself and how I handle things. It is rough sometimes trying to articulate what I am feeling or thinking, but it is worth it to try.

My counselor always reiterates and rephrases what I say in such a way that is not demeaning. That in turn allows me to gain more insight and see what I wouldn't have before.

I think that is why I enjoy writing so much. I feel I can clearly and effectively get my ideas across. I feel I have more control and I can visualize and manipulate the words to my liking. Sometimes speaking is hard. Yet I wonder how many of those times are when I simply feel inadequate, when I actually have no problem. I say this because I know how many times God has said that He wants to use my voice. Logically, that means the enemy will do everything he can to make me not want to use my voice. And how many times have I been a Moses, saying, "oh, no, Lord, You could never use me!" ... Making every excuse in order to avoid humiliation when there is a greater issue at hand. What would have happened if Moses said, "no". Now this is hypothetical because God's will is always accomplished... But say no one stood up to take the lead. There was more at stake than Moses' reputation. There were many captives lives involved.

What I'm getting at has to do with something I heard at a church recently: we must "put God's calling before our excuses". After all, He is the one that sees the bigger picture. Trust is stepping out even when you can't see that bigger picture. We have to remember also that sometimes it's more than just about ourselves individually.

I have been terrible at being outward focused recently; I'm just going to admit these things. When I let my problems consume me, I leave no room to love, let alone think about another other than myself . I need a realignment and a fresh filling of His love. I am thankful for a love that frees and allows me to pour out into others.