Rewind.

After talking with a friend tonight, I decided...

No more just flowery posts. Not everything that I put up here will be poetic, or full of insight and perfection. Some of what I post will not have a resolution. And I will have to be okay with that.

That is the part of me that I wanted to explore on this journey... the part that is figuring it out, the part that doesn't have every inch of life figured out to the tee.

That is the part of me that I never want to hide, no matter how hard it may be or how painful it may become. I find it ridiculous that we would try to paint a picture that everything is perfect and fine and dandy when the truth is, we are all broken.

Don't get me wrong. I have hope. Tons of hope. And I believe that God is redeeming this imperfect world. But until then, we have to let our walls fall, let our barriers down and let one another in. There is no other way of doing this... no other way of doing life together. Life is meant to be shared. Not lived alone.

That being said....
Lately...
Lately, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This time I am starting to read the curves. I am learning more about myself and becoming more aware. I'm still screaming on the hills though. And I beat myself up for it. I keep thinking when I get to a low point that I will be more prepared and that I can easily lift myself out. I always lose sight in the darkness though.

I was thinking today about a storm. (Sorry, this is using a lot of analogies so it is becoming poetic fast, but in reality I do think this way) I thought to myself. Why? Why do we take our eyes off of Jesus? I keep thinking about head knowledge and heart knowledge. I know that He is all-powerful and caring. Logically, He will make sure that I'm okay, right? Those waves sure do seem convincing though. They are real and tangible, when He is out of reach. They lash against me and pull me down.

All I can do is faintly hear His voice.

Sometimes I don't even hear a thing.

Sometimes I wonder...
Where are you?

Sometimes I run to other people.

They seem tangible enough.

I can't seem to focus enough to read anything, let alone read Your Word.

How do I bring myself to trust?

Trust You enough to believe and remember those promises You made me, no matter how high the waves climb, no matter how loud the winds howl?

Honestly, I'm tired.

Tired of falling so hard and deep that I completely lose sight of His promises for me. And honestly, a promise is what I care least about in those moments. One word. Just one word is all I want to hear from God when I'm in those situations.

I want to be reliant upon God and not feel like a burden to those around me or feel like I'm the weakest person ever.

I know. Weak isn't bad.
Well, it may be to you.
The mystery of His kingdom is that the last are first and the weak are made strong.
Easier said than done.