Hope.

The other day I was reminded of my last hospital visit.

Instead of disappointment or sad memories, I was filled with hope.

"I think you're okay now," my friend said with such innocence.

I smiled.

I knew that God would deliver me from it all someday, but that someday is feeling more and more like any day now compared to the distant future that I had once hoped in.

To see how far God has brought me has been tremendous.

I still think about my pastor telling me, "when that day comes, you'll know."

Oh, the joy that will fill my heart with that certainty!

Don't get me wrong. There is still that lingering fear that something will suddenly happen again. Then I will feel as if all progress was lost. But what I have learned is that all is not lost. Indeed, it will most likely knock me off of my feet, yet when you're knocked down all you must do is get back up again.

I've learned that everything that has happened has made me stronger... wiser... and more appreciative of life and full of joy. Looking back, now, I see that I can handle things that I could not before. Though I still may not be as fast at completing tasks as other people, or do them the same way as other people I do not get discouraged, as I used to. Now, I observe. I learn from mistakes and learn more about myself. Most of the time I learn that the way I am looking at things is skewed and that I actually can do tasks efficiently if I don't overthink it and let discouragement get to me.

I used to think, "what did I do? I must deserve this." Then I am reminded of the man born blind in the gospel of John. And I remember Jesus' heart. I know my Jesus, and my God, and I know that he does not place sickness on people as punishment; but went around healing and speaking to broken hearts. Everyone in that day, and the disciples were expecting there to be some reason, some thing that the blind man did to deserve this. I don't claim to know everything about suffering, sickness and how it all works. What I do know is that we are all undeserving and that our great God chooses to show us grace. This has all come through a lot of time spent struggling and waiting upon the Lord. I know that I must continue to renew my mind and press in to Him.

He is the source of my strength. He says," My grace is sufficient."
So I hold on. No matter what happens, I trust in Him.

I know what the world will try to tell me, and even some believers... but I hold on to hope and keep faith that my God will bring me total healing.