A psalm of desperation

Lord, I feel so weak. I’m stumbling over words, I keep making mistakes, I feel I can’t stop crying. I tried to be open, to be transparent with humility and I feel like I am being crushed. I don’t feel like any one understands. And it’s true. No one understands me like you do.

I just want to be completely healed. I want to experience this life I’m living to the fullest. God, I don’t understand why I have to go through this. I went through a lot already and I just want this part to end.

I want to be able to be full of you, to the brim. I want to be able to function at normal speed, to be able to think without feeling like my thoughts are jumbled or backed up in my head. I want to be able to be full of excitement and no hesitations... with nothing holding me back, not lethargy, not fear, not side effects. 

I see that You have brought me far. And, my God, You have never failed. It was always at the time and the moment that I could not see Your hands holding me. But now I see, You were there with me. 

You welcomed me with open arms when I was full of fear and had been running for days. 

You gave me wisdom when my enemies tried to mislead me and destroy my heart.

You comforted me in times of doubting and in feelings of rejection.

You sent friends my way that could cheer me up and tell me that they were in it with me until the end.

You gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning. I prayed that the doors of my past would shut; and, as long as I held Your hand, we walked through open doors.

Now I feel as though I'm turning to the closed doors again... returning to sit in the prison that I was freed from.

Yet, I remember Your words and I hear You calling me to freedom. 

"The door stands open. I see you dancing. Take my hand, I'll lead you through."

God, I want to dance with you!

Lead me to your streams overflowing, cool and refreshing and the green pastures where I may feed and rest in Your presence. 

Oh, how I need You, Lord.