From commonplace to mad one.

Today, I awoke with joy in my heart. It was late in the day, when I would usually wake up frustrated with myself because I had wasted all chances of productivity. Not today. Today, I was simply happy to be alive. The storm had passed and I was ready to move on. It was time to rebuild; not to add on or reconstruct what was previously standing. This was the day for something new, something that would withstand the coming storms.

Now that my mind is free and all is well, I must brace myself. I must not become complacent. That is the one thing that bugs me about the periods of calm: the gaps where desperation and persistence in prayer are missing. If I could only find the middle ground. If only I could live on fire, a fire that burns until the end. That is my desire… to be a mad one.

There have been many mad ones; the ones who aren’t afraid to speak up, the ones who love without limits, the ones who give until they have nothing left to give, the ones who believe in the generations after them, more than they believe for their own generation. These are the ones that we marvel at their stories for years to come. Yet, some go unheard of by many. Regardless, this perpetuation undoubtedly was not easy to achieve.

I look back on the most difficult times of my life and how, without knowing, I was prepared for those moments. I was taught to be thankful, to connect with others, to be vulnerable and open and to grow in trust. It took some great amount of time to have the kind of transparency that I admire in King David of the Bible, and still I don’t come close. I began to see, as I made mistakes and shared my hurts, that as I shared with others I closed a gap that the enemy had tried to create. I saw that this honesty allowed it to become easier when it came time to share again. I also saw that as I grew closer to my friends and family, I wanted their support during these hard times. Soon, I found that they, too, had hurts and concerns they could relate to with me.

The kind of trust I referred to before is not only a trust in God, it is a trust in myself as well and how God can work in and through me, if I let Him. I discovered that there was a power in the value you place on your own self. This realization came one day when I shared with a friend in a painful transparency. He looked at me across that cold, hard table in the library and I squirmed in my uncomfortable chair worried that someone might overhear part of my life story. Yet, when my friend said these words, I no longer focused on the commotion about me.

“You need to value yourself more. You need to value the things that you say.”

It was then that I realized I had not placed any value on my own words. I had downplayed the things that I said and I had come to believe that, therefore, I had no value. I had begun to think of myself as an annoying gnat and as someone who could not be taken seriously. Of course, these were all lies, but I chose to believe them. At some point, while I was down, I heard a taunt and I started to believe words from enemy lines.

“You’re not a leader! Look at all those flaws! Some day someone is going to see one of those and you’ll be disqualified.”

“You think you are strong! You are always crying. People see you as the weak and emotional one. You are all over the place.”

“You’ll never get to where you wanted to be. Look at how many times you have messed up. You might as well give up.”

Then God started shedding light on the truth.

If I am so small, why would the enemy be trying so hard to quench my fire? If I truly am powerless, why would the enemy have to send so many of his forces to try to destroy me?

And as I started to see myself more as my Father in heaven sees me, I started to step out with more boldness and confidence. Singing no longer became a fear, but a joy. That was another concept that struck me. Singing is something beautiful and one thing that uses the life-giving breath we receive from our Father to pour out praise to Him in return. That would be another thing that the enemy would want to prevent. I heard it said, “Why do you think so many people are afraid to sing in front of others?” The truth is, not only do words have power, but, even more so… praise blows away barriers.

Yesterday, I was lost in a sea of confusion and pain. I chose to cling to the complaints that made me entitled.

Today, joy came with the morning. From a fresh perspective I arose. I had fallen down, but I chose to get back up.

It may be hard, but I refuse to live comfortably, ignoring the difficulties that could help me learn how to be stronger and more refined. Today, I choose to stand tall. I will burn, burn, burn. I will go out like a fireworks display, burning bright, burning strong… shining beautifully. I will forever be a mad one.

Stronger

Looking back,

I see a lot more now than I did before.

I thought that I was stumbling through a mess at times.

Though I would like to say that I put my complete trust in God at all times,

I can't say that I did.

But it's okay... He had me.

He has always had me.

Life, life with God, and God Himself

are all a mystery to me.

I do know one thing though...

Looking back and looking at other stories

I start to see that He knows exactly what He is doing.

He knows me all too well.

He knows and perceives my thoughts from afar,

which must mean that it's like when a friend knows exactly what I'm about to say.

And He still trusts me.

I said all of this to say that I think that the things that I just previously wrote about... 

the events that feel like chaos to me...

He's got it all under control.

You may look at all of the circumstances I described and still be unsure about the declaration I just made, but if you have experienced His love and sovereignty in this way you would be able to agree.

I love how Plumb wrote about it in a song. She described a parent holding his newborn in his arms. There must be a time to grow up, but watching from afar the Father ensures His child's safety and knows that the things that the child experiences will make them stronger and wiser.

Had I not experienced what I did, 

Had I not come face to face with my fears 

... and come out victorious time and time again...

I would not be as strong as I am today.

Move in me.

It's taken me a while to get back to writing...
Some of that due to life circumstances and some of it I am starting to think is a fear of sitting with my thoughts.

I have been yearning to write this or something like this for a while now, though. I have known that there is missing dialogue within the church and even regular community about mental health and how to "deal with" those struggling through mental illness.  We may talk about it like it is some nebulous thing that no one ever has to go through but the truth is, there are so many struggling with either anxiety, depression, or some aspect of mental illness.

I have found through the years that many people have good intentions in the advice that they give, yet, at times, the advice can be harmful. I have seen and heard all kinds of advice. I have received advice that dampers my hope of ever being "normal" and I have received advice that leads me to making unwise decisions with medication. Ultimately, though, it has always been my choice and my responsibility to take everything before God in careful consideration.

While I understand this aspect of taking things into prayerful consideration, I also understand that there will be those, young and learning, that will not instantly do the same. I have not always been that way either and, of course, I am still learning and gaining experience. In a way, learning these things through my own experience has been extremely useful and impactful, but as always we have hopes after going through a painful experience that others can learn without having to go through the same amount of pain. I tend to talk about all of these things with ease now, but please do hear me when I say that these experiences have been frightening and filled with anguish. I feel blessed to be able to voice these things now, in hopes that someone will gain encouragement from the things that I write.

Writing has been a process and I guess that is what I enjoy about it. I don't quite know what I will unearth or discover but it seems to bring about healing (so this is my precursor to tell you to get ready to join this process).

I know that there is not necessarily one person that has it all right. For this reason, I am going to pull from the wise words and perspectives I have picked up on over time to share with you what I feel useful on the journey with mental illness and the healing found in Christ Jesus.

One of the first things that I want to share may seem simple, but it is that this journey is indeed that: a journey and a process. I am not negating the fact that God can heal miraculously and in an instant, but I have seen in my life that there is a process, especially when it comes to things that deal with the mind. There may be thoughts that were placed there and I refuse to claim ownership of them, but I do need to take control of the thoughts that are mine. Without getting into too much theology and what I think about the cause of mental illness (which I don't claim to have all figured out), I do believe that the enemy of our souls will try his best to invade and lay claim to whatever ground he can take... and the mind is a battlefield. I have told my mother before that sometimes I think that there is no amount of physical pain that can compare with the battle that waged in my mind. It is one that is turbulent and has the capability of ending your grace-given life on earth.

The reason I believe in healing is not merely because of things I have heard, or even the stories I have read in the Bible. While these stories do fill me with faith and hope, there is nothing like living and experiencing healing on your own.

When I was first diagnosed, I had anxiety and panic attacks that seemed to come from nowhere. I had a few small anxiety attacks and two panic attacks but refused to let that be my norm and continued to pray through them.

The story that I cling to though was when I was in the psychiatric ward for the first time. I do believe that there is a spirit of fear as the Bible mentions. I had run up against it a few times and called it out once and watched it leave. Without fully realizing that is what I was up against at the young age of 16, I realized that I had been running in fear without coming to God for help. So, I got down on my knees in the white-washed room that I had once been afraid to be alone in and I began to pray. One cry out, an audible prayer and upon the name of Jesus everything else faded away.

It doesn't end there though.

You may think that it got easier after that. But life isn't something that we can fit into a neatly packed and decorated box. In fact, I'm not sure that we know what kind of box it fits into. One moment we think we have it figured out, then the next something else is thrown at us.

I do know that when I began to change my perspective more and more on how God saw me and on His character, I saw the greatest amount of growth. One time I prayed with a leader. I wanted to know whether or not I should continue medicine as I made a transition into a new part of life. I was shocked at God's immediate response...

"I made you perfect inside and out."

Perfectly done. I held onto it. He spoke to my heart that day. And I felt a bit like the woman at the well. Jesus saw past my complaining and my hurt. He knew that I needed to know that no matter what decisions I made, no matter what I was going through, nothing could negate that he made me perfectly for a purpose that I did not yet understand. I was a perfect fit for what this world needed at this moment and I didn't need to go trying to fret and worry over who I needed to become.

Then, I made my way to Fearless LA.

It seemed that there was a whirlwind amount of things swirling around me. I had gone through a large amount of hurt that had nothing to do with my diagnosis, but it was weighing on me and I was surprised that it had not caused a breakdown. I originally came off of my medication around this time because I heard from the Lord. While I wasn't clear on whether or not I was supposed to end my medication at this time, there was a good outcome. I had been on a medication that I did not realize was the thing causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts.

For the first time in a while I was able to be bold and full of joy. I went for a while living fine but then spent two nights without sleep and ended up having irrational thoughts in another episode.

I was so upset at myself, thinking that I had moved backwards. I thought that I had heard God encourage me to trust Him completely. But had I thought about what that means.

Does trust mean you have to throw off everything that aids you that you might rely on God?
Or is it a matter of choosing to follow a Father that knows what is best and can see everything, whether or not you fully understand everything that is going on?

I listened as over time, God revealed many things to me through sermons and things friends would say. Did you know that Moses struggled with something all of his life, something that he thought hindered him from being used effectively?

God tried many times to tell Moses not to worry but to rely on him. In our weakness, He is made strong. Yet, I just wanted all of this to be over. I thought that I would no longer be able to take it. But, God knows. He knows exactly what we can take. As I read Ezekiel for the first time I saw that God trusted him with some things that He knew only that prophet would be able to stand. Then I started to believe that God knows exactly what He is doing. And like a "green banana" that my pastor preached about this week, I started to think... maybe the things that I had been trying to push, and even heard God on, were things that I needed to hold on to hope for, knowing that they are approaching but that the time is not yet right, or ripe.

I think that so many times I had tried, and even with full faith that God had healed me, to push something that had not yet arrived. I have come so far from the place that I was years ago, but I do not think that God cannot use me with a diagnosis of mental illness. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite... I believe that he can use me more through my experience and despite illness. He moves in power and might and teaches through elements that seem unusable. I have full trust that my God will move in me.

_______

I know what I said.

That doesn't make it easy.

"Lord, whatever may come,

The way things are now,

or if I have to go back...

I know that you will see me through.

You are the same, either way, and I will praise you and follow you."

Mental illness, taking medicine, figuring your way through a place no one knows the answers to or has a guide that gives those answers we so long for... it's never easy.

Right now, and a lot of times I wake up lacking energy to actually get up. The worst feeling is the "block".

There is this feeling of feeling

blank.

The lack of feeling.

I'm still here, but I'm trapped, and no one can see that person...

Just the blank one.

The worst is reaching out to Jesus.
I try.

I pray.
I wait.
I sing.

But it's just never the same.

Sing, my soul!
O, how I love singing, but I can't...

I just can't connect.
I feel lost.
I hate this feeling.

I don't want to go back. I want to move forward.

But where do I go from here?

How do I possibly get out of this place?

I sing songs in the desert... in every season.

Shalom.

For so long my heart had yearned for the words,
A way to describe this desperation...
Shalom.

And there it was, as soon as I discovered that desire of the Father's heart... I knew.
I knew that was it.
This is what my heart has been screaming!

When I fight for my brother or sister, to restore broken relationships, no matter the dissonance...
When I shed a tear for the child across the globe who is wondering when he will live a normal life...
Whenever I share my meal, knowing that another meal will be needed in a few hours (another "hand out")...
When I smile, eyes closed as I worship my Jesus with my brothers and sisters surrounding me...
Now I know why.

I know why my heart pounds.
I know why things seem lacking at times.
I know why broken relationships trouble me.

Cause we were never meant for something less.

Now I pray...
Lord, help me.
You have given me a heart for justice;
A boldness to stand apart,
To be different,
To be a voice.

Help me
To be patient,
To be strong,
To be longsuffering.

My life...
"Such a tiny offering,
Compared to Calvary.
Nevertheless...
I lay it at Your feet."

You found me.

"Lost and insecure...
You found me.
You found me.

Lying on the floor,
Surrounded.
Surrounded.

Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late.
You found me.
You found me."

How long were you gonna wait?

Here I was....
Drowning.
Almost dying.

When I thought all was lost...
When darkness surrounded me...

There you came...
But it wasn't how I expected it to be.

I never thought you would use
Someone as broken as me.
Someone who could barely
Take care of herself.

You didn't sweep in
from the sky,
on some golden chariot.

You didn't part the skies,
and have angels
come to my rescue.

No,
You used one
little girl...
One of the least of these.

Aren't we all
the least of these?

Who on this earth
has the power to
create lasting change on their own?

Who on this earth
has the strength
to survive
in this troubled world?

I know I need you...
Now,
I know that I need you.

I need You more than I ever have.
And somehow,
Despite my running,
Despite my pushing You aside...
You found me.
Here,
You found me.

"Lost and insecure
You found me.
You found me.

Lying on the floor...
Surrounded.
You found me.

Why'd you have to wait?
Where were You?
Where were You?
Just a little late...
You found me.
You found me."

I trusted you.

"Well you built up a world of magic... because your real life is tragic."

For some reason, lately...
Songs have been permeating my soul.

They seem more real than they have ever been.
My emotions raging...
"threatening the life they belong to..."

But it's way past 2AM,
and I'm still awake...
this time not writing a song.

Trying to make sense of these last few days...
And why everything seems to be falling apart.




WHY

WHY when I have tried to do nothing but love and show that I cared...
WHY would you dare tell me that I am not being considerate?
That I am being irrational...
I don't quite know how rational you are being.

Seems hypocritical, huh?

But you wouldn't know about that...
as you tell me to "quiet down"
"don't raise your voice."



I'm not! I'm not!
I'm trying... I'm trying to hear you.
To understand where you are coming from.


We've been friends for so long...
Good friends.
Great friends.

WHY.
WHY now?
WHY this?



WHY
when I need you the most..
when I tell you one thing that I have just.. like thirty minutes ago...
one thing I finally decided to open up to someone about.
Besides my dear, Jesus.

He's always been there.
And... no... the person I first confided in...
It wasn't you.

You seem mad.
WHY
Why would you be mad when I ask for a hug...
the one source of comfort I know would help...
but I wanted to find comfort in another's arms...
That hurt.
I know it did.
But it was purely friendship.


I don't know WHY
WHY you see things this way.

WHY
take it out on me...
The one you "care" for so deeply.

I'm done.
I'm through.
Can't deal with you.

I refuse to be controlled.
I hope you don't read this.
I refuse to be manipulated to the point of deep sorrow
once again.

This time by a dear friend,
not loved one.

Psalm 55
I know David was hurting when he wrote this.
I feel every bit of his pain.
And I relate.
Just as I relate to these songs.

This will never be the same.
Can it ever be the same?

I don't want it to be the same.
Cause you're not who I thought you were.

Falling further

I started off my day by being upset... actually pretty angry...
I found myself harboring anger,
this time, not directed too much at man...
but at the enemy.

Regardless,
It is anger.

Ain't it funny how you feel as though you're slipping away, or
falling further
from God
in some sense...
like everything is against you and you should be totally upset with Him...
but then you realize,
everything that the enemy has tried to throw at you,
has led you back to
Your perfect Father in heaven.

And no matter what anyone says or does...
it seems to no longer affect you...
cause you're stronger.

Then I realize...
maybe that's why I went through all of this.
Just to be closer to You.
Jesus.

Cinema Verité Life

For you filmmakers out there, this blog title may ring a bell and stir up images of an unblemished, untampered with life that is examined through a lens. For the rest, maybe the avenue and medium of music will draw up clearer images. I know that today it did for me:

"When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

And I know this disconnected feeling. Whether it be with mental illness... or as a friend of mine shared about his experience as a veteran and the surreal life he lived whenever he returned home. Whatever it be, there is this feeling that cannot be easily described. And, at least to me, it was never welcomed or enjoyable.

I would yearn for the moments where connections were made and the day felt as if the moments that occured were worth living and being lived in the moment.

How do I delve deeper into the metaphors?
To long to take the pain, as long as it was something real, rather than just "living"... that was a battle.
But it was the life blurring by and swirling around in the guise of a movie that got me the most.

I was under some sort of fog. A plague of darkness that I hadn't told to leave and to put it in its place. There were compartments of "hurt and confusion" "guilt and shame" and "critical vs. self-critical" areas. During the process of breaking free these past couple of years, God has shown me that I "[can't] let this hurt and confusion take the place of my God." Meaning, the things that take up my time and the things that dominate the thinking in my mind are going to come from God, not my emotions.

But, God...
"Picked me up,
Turned me around...
And He placed my feet on the solid ground."

My mourning to joy... My guilt and shame to boldness and weightlessness... My anxiousness, to peace and feelings of abandonment to pure confidence in acceptance through the Body of Christ.

There is love.
There is rescue.
There is hope.

And, boy, if you haven't seen it yet, it's going to be GLORIOUS.

the rest of me

Too many times I have seen people give up on one another.
When the going gets tough...
The tough gets going.

We, oftentimes, choose to run away from problems and confrontation that is necessary for growth. And too many times we choose to place our full reliance upon the people around us, the substance of the love that we feel from God and not the source... our Heavenly Father.

I refuse.

I refuse to go on that way.

I've learned an important lesson. I can't place my hopes in the hands of man. I can't entrust my all... my desires, my dreams, my thoughts and wishes to the feeble and broken creation. It is the Creator, who knows me full well that deserves the keys to my deepest dreams and visions, along with the rest of me.

It pains me to see people get upset when other people fail them... and, yes, I have been there myself... But watching from the outside is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. The shock covers you as you, knowing the outcome, brace yourself for the impending and inevitable impact.

Will we ever make a shift from a race that makes complaints about their neighbor and how that person can benefit them, to a people that turns to their God with boldness and full confidence that they can come into His presence and find true rest an acceptance?

"The Lord is for me, I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

Fearless.

"One day I'll stand before You, look back on the life I've lived... I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit."

It's always crazy when you do stop and look back...

I'm seeing more and more of God's faithfulness as I take the time to review past experience.

What seemed like it was utter chaos turned out to be wonderfully reordered to work for my good.

So, I take a moment to pause now. 

And here  in this moment there is peace.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should there be this peace, 

A resting under the shelter of my Father's wing?

When everything tells me that I should be grobbling on the floor because the outcome seems hopeless.

But there is hope.

There is always hope.

The best kind of hope trickles down from a well-polished patience,

A perseverance that truly is "longsuffering". 

For when you feel like everything is falling apart...

It may just be 

Falling together.

I know that it is well.

"My eyes are opened,
I know that it is well."

After nights of anxiously sifting through concerns in my head,

Days spent hoping that the next had more promise

I finally found

that You were there

to carry me

to walk beside me

to go before me

and guide me.

I've started to change the way that I pray. I meditate on Your promises and remember that You say You "work all things together for the good of those who love [You]". If You are working things together for the good, as I hold on through the storm, the one thing that I truly need and the better thing to pray than "Lord, please heal me..." may just consist of something like this: "God, help me to trust You more." 

You have already promised that You would be there with me, 

that You would carry my burden.

You said that You came to heal and restore,

to redeem,

to heal by the stripes that were torn on Your innocent back.

I don't have to worry,

I don't need to fear.

In fact,

You tell me not to fear.

You ARE with me.

You are not only with me,

You comfort me.

You draw near during my time of need.

You sustain me.

You fill me til' I am overflowing

and joy radiates from my smile,

a light that can not be extinguished,

a love whose flame could not be overpowered 

by a thousand waters.

If I went to the lowest part of this Earth,

even to hell below...

If I climbed the highest mountain,

soared beyond the heights...

You would still be there.

If I told myself that I was the biggest failure,

vowed to take the life that You created and so lovingly fashioned...

If I had nothing but joy,

and nothing could possibly bring me down...

You would be there,

sharing in my suffering in times of sorrow,

singing and dancing over me all along.

I have sat and pondered at the wonders of Your grace,

still unfathomable in every way,

but I have seen

that

it is, indeed, well.

Shine!

I know that, no matter what... no matter who you are... no matter how hard you have tried to hide it... there has been a moment where you have felt like you were on the outside.

It breaks my heart to see people feel that way, because no one should have to feel left out or alone. The other day I met a guy while I was at work and his response to what I was telling him struck me.

He was one of the "types" that people would say would "never amount to anything", that would "never care about the meaningful things" and certainly not the type that anyone would willingly approach expecting a response welcoming conversation.

Yet he stared attentively as I told him about the thousands of people in Sierra Leone that needed aid. And as I told him about the weight of the situation, I saw his eyes begin to water. 

"That's terrible... I really wish I could do something..."

Then he assured me he would be back to make a donation. And the tears in his eyes made me want to cry. There is just something so special about the heart of those who are too often misunderstood. 

But aren't we all longing for understanding?

Some, it seems, more so than others.

So, why do we insist on putting each other down and excluding our brothers?

I just pray that the flame that burns so bright in the hearts of those in which you would least expect it... I pray that the passion continues to burn brighter and brighter until the world is set on fire with love for one another.

What will it take?

It will take the attention of those with compassion and openness to draw out and point out the best qualities of others around them. It will take vulnerability. It will take love, true love... a love like Jesus showed... a love that will melt away the sorrows and cause a spark to ignite into a flame. 

We need change.

We need to stop being afraid to approach one another,

To stop judging because one person doesn't do things the way that another may do things.

It takes a realization that each person on this planet was created with a unique set of qualities, 

a beauty that is unveiled with a little encouragement and care.

------------------------------------------------------------

Just one look and I could see

There was something different

Different about the way that you 

Carried yourself

So many others tried to say that

You were different

That you'd never fit in

With the way that they

Went about doing things

But you never let it get you down

Oh, you should never let it get you down

Cause you are special

You are the only one

Of your kind

Let your fire burn 

Brighter

Let your spirit soar

Higher

Cause you were made for

Great things

I can see

You were meant to 

Shine!

Something pure. Something true.

What is love?

That question, reminiscent of a 90s house song... It holds so much weight. I bet many philosophers and laymen alike have pondered over centuries about the meaning of this word that is all too often thrown around.

Love...

It will bring you higher than the clouds...
Then have you plunging lower than the depths of the sea in a bewilderment,
wondering what went wrong and,
"if only things could be different would the outcome change?"

I know I'm not the only one who has wondered, "what am I doing throwing myself in front of buses for this person?"

It is this emotional wreck that comes from sacrifice and investment of time that has me contemplating why in the world, or even universe, would one ever put oneself through the torture.

There is beauty though. A certain beauty from pain that keeps the heart pumping, driven by each step towards forever or any hint of hope.

But does it even take a glimpse of that hope that there will be a future together? Is that true love?
A conditional clause dependent on reciprocation of emotions?

I am convinced that love is something more.

It is not simply flowery words that flatter and stir up emotion.
I believe it is a dedication, a learning experience, and a beautiful display of faithfulness and sacrifice.

I am starting to see that it takes a patient ear combined with a pensive and sensitive mind that considers the other's thoughts and feelings in the hardest of circumstances. It takes a commitment and a conviction that goes beyond the mindset that there is always something better and beyond the thinking that if things start to falter you can just move on. It takes forgiveness. It takes time.

Love is mysterious and we may never fully understand that grand mystery,
The force that compels young ones to travel great distances in an attempt to reunite,
The concoction that causes grown men to act like fools,
It may never be possible to put this concept into words that can accurately express the emotions it incites....
But it may always cause the world to stop and notice when the purest of loves is displayed.

Shine

Made myself an encouraging playlist the other day... And it has been playing on repeat.

It's crazy how meditating on the truth and meaningful lyrics changes things.
There has definitely been a battle between my mind and what I hear and see around me. I feel like I'm  the subject of a Colbie Caillat song sometimes:

"Put your makeup on..."
"Get the latest styles..."
"So they like you (on Tinder or fill in the blank)..."

I'm so glad that I have my Savior and know my Father.
Without Him... I'd be lost.

I want to encourage young girls and even men to embrace who they are.
As I listened to Hawk Nelson's "Made" another battle raged on in my mind:
"What about all the imperfections? There is no way He could've created me in perfection! What if my friends challenge me about their 'imperfections' and say that there is not a God or ask why he made them that way?"

I hear the truth override. Why, when I look at them I don't see imperfection, but strength?
The world tries to mock and pick out faults. God gives me a heart to see the good, to see value and beauty. He did not create the imperfections... They came with the fall... Yet He loves. He loves His children with an unwavering, undying love. He sees beauty shine through the mire of challenges and faults. He is good, loving and faithful.

Trust Him and learn to love and rely on the beautiful Father in Heaven.

He loves you!

Effortless

"Effortless. Effortless, I say to you... My love, that's the way it is."

Simple truth in a word spoken to me by God through a dear friend back home.

I still remember that night. I felt neglected. God never had a special word for me... Or so I thought. Little did I know, He was about to speak lasting truth into my heart that would forever transform the way that I saw Him.

"The door stands open. I see you running. Take my hand, I'll lead you through."

How could I not realize I had been sitting in a prison I kept myself in?
The prison with invisible bars that my mind had created. The enemy laughed as it became easier for him, and day by day he had less of a task to perform as I beat myself up.

Yet, "it is for freedom He set me free".

Freedom.

We all long for it. But how many of us realize that it is not that far out of reach?

Another simple truth... Somewhat cliché... Words taken for granted:

"Seek first His kingdom and all else shall follow."

That is what replayed in my subconscious yesterday as I meditated on the fact that it was God and God alone that would lead, guide, and sustain me throughout the day.

And He did.

I made myself stop going against the grain and just let go.

I picked up my Bible, read His Word and said a prayer to start off the day.

I acknowledged His role and significance in my day.
"This is not my day, Lord, but Yours.... Thank you for it, God."

And like that... Everything fell into place. Peace rushed in like a river. No longer was I swimming upstream, struggling against a current that sought to pull me under.

Effortless... Effortless, I say to you.
His love... The easiest to take in,
If only you would open your heart to receive.

Don't let me go

It's always hard when "all that seems to matter is I don't feel [Him] anymore". But as much as I feel like God has pushed Himself away from me, I listen closely to that still, small voice. He asked, "why are you pushing me away? Why do you shove the door closed?"

It almost brings tears to my eyes knowing that you stand at the door of my heart waiting patiently and I have denied your entrance. Your love is the most beautiful I have ever known. You continue to love me with a steadfast love.

Why should I think or believe that you would reject me or ever stop loving me. You are the most kind and loving person I have ever known, Jesus.

Please don't ever let me go.

Reaching out

"Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky."

Your love...
indescribable.
Your heart,
stretches across the reaches of the sky.

It drives me crazy how good You are, 
while all the while I stumble and have yet to prove faithful.

Sometimes I cry...
I cry at the thought of others not knowing You and Your love.

It has been the hardest to try to help my dear friend. I'm realizing more and more how I can't carry the weight. Some things are best when let go of. But they are not forgotten.

You see every tear. You calm my fears. You know my hurt and pain, and You definitely see his.
Sometimes I think that I could be the one to fix everything. Why? When I have seen how you have always gently carried me through trials and tribulation.

Jesus, I pray... please watch over my friend. I will continue to pray, though my heart is worn from the pain of rejection; he needs You more than I could fathom.

The gift of Life

Help me to remember that this is a gift.

Let everything that I do stem from that idea. Everything that flows from that posture will be extraordinary.

When you realize that this life is not yours in the first place, there is a humbling revelation. From there you have a choice: to continue living as if it were your possession, or to give it all away.

I don't know about you, but I would rather ... give it away.

Just the other day, as I was walking on campus, something struck me in this manner. I saw a dear friend pass by and thought, " what if I moved past selfish intention and went out of my way to make sure that others were loved?"

What kind of radical transformation would occur if we all took that to heart?

I'm longing for the day when we will be as one.

Children of Light

There is just so much to say... Where do I begin?

This weekend was one of the best. I got to hear from women from all different walks in life and ones that were serving in all different areas and places.

It's so crazy how God asks us all for a "Yes" but what that "yes" looks like for each person could be very different from another person's "yes". I also find it interesting how life seems to unfold. It is often synchronous with the way that God and his attributes are revealed. I discover so much about God through the circumstances and situations that happen in my life and through reliance upon Him.

I don't feel "inspired" right now to write, but I wanted to take this time to reflect because so much has happened. God has been so good. I found a job and a place to stay. I didn't get to the point of anxiety about those things because I had learned that God has always taken care of me and that worrying would not add anything or be beneficial, as it says in Matthew 6.

It's one thing to hear scripture, it's another to finally understand it.

I heard so many awesome testimonies this weekend.
They reminded me that God destined us each for greatness. It got me excited. And as we sang an inspired chorus, passion began to well up within me.

"Light wins over darkness... every time... every time!"

What had I worried myself about so many times?

I thought that the plans that God had for me required some great sacrifice and hardship...
While, yes, it may involve great sacrifice and hardship; there is a beauty to it.
I remembered my Jesus: how he gave everything for us at the cross.
God had everything under control.
He knew that He had to give His only son to bring us eternal life.
The enemy, Satan, thought that he had my Jesus defeated as He died on the cross.
Yet, little did he know, Jesus would rise again and take His place on the throne.
Light wins, always.

So, as I think about the things that may happen with trials and hardship, I remember that there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to worry about. My Jesus has victory.

Light wins... 
every time.

Communitas

What do you do
When you feel no one understands?
That feeling of being just a number or plain shade of grey
Jumbled together on a paint swatch with similar shades.
It's then that I am longing for a shared response
Or even an acknowledgement that assures me I am understood.
I don't need a "Jesus response".

Let me explain, because I feel it is very key to touch on the spiritual aspect
And to recognize how God's truth plays into a situation,
But there are times when I feel that I need a more practical response
Or something a little less generic.

Now I am seeing what people feel when a follower of Christ
tries to console those who may not fully understand God's love and grace.
There is a mutual exchange that must happen between individuals,
a surrendering of the fortress built to keep outsiders from seeing our innermost feelings and process of taking in confessions without judgement and preconceived notions.
These notions need not solely focus on the person but they can also be about the person's situation or story. No assumptions can be made about how circumstances are or how they should be until the whole story is heard out.

Of course we are not perfect and this is a learning process. I just hope that I can learn to actively listen more and respond in a helpful way. I also hope that I can learn to better share my story and feelings in a transparent manner.

En tu eterno amor

Maybe it's because I'm up late listening to love songs...
Maybe it's that spot in my heart missing you.

I can't help but think about how I gave you my heart,
How I tried my best to love unconditionally...

Will there ever be
Someone who loves me
totally for me?

I could try and love again
I could completely take you and your family in...
but I feel my heart might burst,
if I had to take that chance again;
the chance that, that love may not be returned
in the same way.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to trust
Be still, O heart
Trust and find
All you need
Here in the Savior's arms.

Symphony of the heart

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,And Your right hand will lay hold of me." (Psalm 139:7-10)
Your faithfulness, God...
Your faithfulness has proven to be something I can hold on to.

Remembering times with You
and times I thought I was without You
I see that You are here to stay...
You will never leave me.

There were times where I was full of Your Spirit.
It felt as if I was with You,
with You and only You...
The room closed in around me
and, as I lay there, Your joy began to fill my heart.
I had nothing left,
no words,
no thoughts,
other than that of Your praises.

I was with You and it seemed like it was for an eternity,
An eternity of sheer delight,
Not a moment of it dull.

Then,
there were times where I felt that Your Spirit was absent,
my heart a complete void
where You could not possibly dwell...
Is this what the psalmist referred to when he pondered
making his bed in Sheol?

Nothing could be more painful than
life without You.

Further and further I pushed You away
as condemnation taunted and fear persuaded.
There was no way You would want to be with me,
no way you could love that girl that was full of self interest and
that was prone to mistakes...

Still You pressed through the barriers
You tore down the walls
Just to get to Your beloved.

I remember the day You called,
still fresh in my mind...
rows and rows of wooden pews
covered in purple velvet cushions,
I pressed my hands against the cushions and
set my church shoes on the carpet
as I began to rise,
not knowing quite what was in store.

A call
to come and know the Savior of the World,
to come and take the free gift You offered,
Your gentle arms beckoning.
The journey of a lifetime
I was about to embark on.
Little did I know that I would be here, now.

You called me to embark on a journey,
You called me from a place of death and
brought me into life,
A life full of freedom and joy.
Why do I tend to forget that you have paid it all for me?

Yet,
You continue to sing over me,
starting a new measure with each repeat
After each slip up
I pick up where I left off
You fill in with notes of grace
And a beautiful melody arises

I am starting to remember...
Remember that You are the composer.
You are the one with the vision
You are the one with the wisdom
You know me,
the instrument,
all too well.
So, with Your breath filling my lungs
I swell up with Your love
I pour out a tune
with a few quirks from the defects
and things that need to be tweaked.
You see no big obstacle,
Only a few tune ups.

This song,
It brings you great joy
As each new note hits Your ears.
And You take great delight in writing,
flooding empty pages with new notes,
A symphony of grand proportions,
a diverse convergence of flavors and styles from many places.
All the world is an orchestra,
A mash up of many many instruments
Each with their own piece
In this neverending story of love.

11

Dawn

Sometimes I feel like saying,
"You don't know what it's like!"

You don't know what it's like to feel trapped in a reality you can't seem to shake no matter how many times someone tells you the truth.

These thoughts return from afar. Dragging their feet like zombies... You fill with terror as they trudge into your sanity. Death is the only fruit that these sorts of thoughts can bring.

"Remember child,
This battle is not of flesh and blood,
Equipped with truth and all authority,
You fight from victory."

Just when will your kingdom come?
Lord, we long for your returning...
More than a glimpse of Your glorious train.

We need you, Jesus,
To come wipe the tears...
To restore all that has been broken.

Para mi amigo querido...

The battle is real.

Today I witnessed a part of it.

I watched as my friend teared up and looked down while I placed my hand on the door.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore..."

He had not said many words with that simple phrase, but the weight of them carried on the air in the room and I knew immediately the feeling... a jarring feeling of being lost and disconnected, almost like riding on the teacups at a carnival.

You're on a ride that you can't get off of until it stops and as you spin, the world keeps spinning onward. They've all got their pace and everything seems to fit into perfect place for them. You want to tell them that you're starting to feel sick and the initial joy has worn off, but if you shout then your screams will be lost in the wind and become incomprehensible.

That's the way that I felt when I was dealing with depression.

The most drastic case of this happened when I tried a new form of medication. I was walking back to my dorm and all of a sudden everything felt like a dream. I looked to the street to seek help, but the only people around were in cars and they were all staring at me with these deep piercing stares. I tried to break their gaze but every time I looked each passing car was full of onlookers. I stumbled with my groceries, step by step to the crosswalk. I reached into my pocket for my phone and managed to dial my friend at school. She asked with concern if I needed a ride, but I was almost there. I told her to stay on the phone with me a bit and I crossed the street, trying my best to ignore the staring passersby.

To feel disconnected,
To feel lost,
To feel like there is no hope...
To lose the feeling of being connected to your cherished God,
is the worst feeling on the planet.

To feel these things for yourself is terrible,
To watch a friend suffer through the same thing
kills you.

I never want to see anyone I love face the terrifying pain of depression or mental illness.
It is the hardest because everything seems fine at one moment,
then the next...
they are lost,
drowning in the perilous sea of deceitful thoughts.

To be strong,
In a time when you want to fall apart,
Is the hardest.
When you watch the tears form,
When you watch a smile fade to a frown,
It is the most difficult thing to hold it together;
To turn around and say,
"Let me pray for you."

Everything inside wants to fix whatever is wrong,
Too many questions arise...
"God, why?"
These questions turn to
"God, we need more faith. Lord, help us to believe."

Jesus did help those who cried out for faith, and all that is truly required is a mustard seed.
And I know that it was Jesus that took my mustard seed and caused it to grow in that moment.
It was then that I was able to find the strength to keep my voice from wavering as I prayed. It was also then that I was able to remember the things that Jesus had carried me through: the words that He spoke, the promises that He made and the truth that He reminded me of.

There is a beauty in friendship. There is an even deeper beauty in the fellowship of believers. While one is weak, the other is strong. While one is struggling, the other keeps joy. And all along, I can see the Father delight in the way that His given love is shared amongst his children.

My Declaration (Full of Independence)

So, lately I've been thinking.

I was thinking that maybe what I know is not truly what I know.
Something within me was not in full agreement with what I found to be true.
I knew that my God was good, I had seen and experienced it, I believed it; but could this good God love me with an unrelenting love... love me, an un-put-together, exuberant at times, overapologizing, broken, wordy, fault-full one who makes messes often?

The truth is, YES, He does.
He loves me.
And I know that full well, but... do I truly know this and believe it with all of my heart?
I found that I didn't think I could fully accept it. I just wasn't at that point.

Then I thought up a solution...
a declaration...
what if, for thirty days, about a month, I declared the truth once a day, every day over myself?
Declared, not just read or restated, not regurgitated, not mumbled nor read with habitual motion; but shouted out, read with great joy, spoken with gusto, spoken so my two ears could hear from an insecure set of lips the words that my mind needs to remember, delivered with a confidence and passion that wells within, given by the Holy Spirit with a strength that comes from above...

That is what I have set out to do.

I challenge myself and others to make a declaration full of independence... to break free from the lies declared by the enemy, to stop the recording played over and over throughout the day, to find joy in recognizing who we truly are in Christ Jesus... who He has created us to be, the person and people that He has seen all along in His precious children. Let's gain a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective on the world. Let us draw near and draw near to one another as we delight in His delighted.

Here is my declaration, derived from the truth I wrote to dispell lies I recognized I was starting to believe about myself:

First and foremost--
I am loved.

I am never alone. Nothing can EVER separate me from His mighty love.
He will never leave me. God has blessed me with amazing friends who have already seen me through a lot, should I ever need someone He will be there and, just as before, He can send people into my life who will help to carry the burden.

Jesus took it all for me. I need not worry about rejection or abandonment. He is the great high priest that experienced it all for me. Should the world reject me, count it all joy... it shall be for Christ's sake and for His glory.

I am accepted in the beloved.

I AM fearfully and wonderfully made.
There is no one like me and there never will be.
No one else can love God like I love Him.
I was made unique in His heart.
He takes great joy in the way that I uniquely worship Him.

I am a child of God. I was adopted into His family, now a part of His glorious kingdom.
I am part of a wonderful family of believers.
I AM LOVED.
I AM ACCEPTED.
I am His beloved princess in whom He takes great delight.
I am not too much!
I am just enough,
perfect in the way that He made me.
He created me with joy.
He took great care and delight throughout the process of creating me.
He thought of me long before I was born and He thinks of me constantly to this day.
I am loved.
I am Sarah King, a daughter of the King. My Abba is proud of me!
He loves me not for what I do, nor what I have done, but for who I am, not who I will become.
He loves me now, with a love that will not change.
There is not one thing that I can do to make Him love me more, nor is there one thing that I can do to make Him love me any less.
He loves me, because... He loves me.

I rise...

... above these mountains that tower before me,
Rise,
despite the calls from the fears that sit comfortably, lounging in the back of my mind.
I will rise and I will continue to rise,
no matter the unsurmountable challenges that come.
Too many times have I began to
dance with the thought of
giving up.
No longer will I entertain the doubts that draw me back to
feelings of defeat.

Here with you

Looking back on life...
I am amazed.

I am amazed at how I could come from the place I was at...
To the place I am at now.

Because the place I was at before was dark...
So dark.
There was an absence of hope, joy and love;
There was nothing but
fear...
Fear and condemnation:
The constant nagging of a
"You'll never be good enough"
"You're not worth a thing"
Dare I say
"You can never reach God,
He no longer cares for you."
I hated it, I hated myself for not having the motivation to try and fix it.
What was I to do?
What did I have the power to do if my God no longer resided in me?

Lies,
They were all lies...
Powerful lies,
Lies that would entice and beat you into submission,
But they were lies nonetheless
And lies hold no power against
the reach of my Almighty Father.

He still reached me,
When lies seemed to drown out His familiar voice,
He still got a message of love through.

"I will rescue you!"
"I've never left,
Here I stand,
Here with you."

And that is why I am here...
Where I am today.
Though the alternate reality still hangs behind,
Eager to drown out His voice once again...
I shake away those lies and revel in the glory and joy that
Life with my Savior brings.

The shoe that didn't march

"There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction."
-John F. Kennedy

Broken shards of glass line the street, the colorful pieces once fit together to beautifully display Bible stories. A mother, worn and tired, sits distraught among the rubble. Her Sunday dress folds crumpled under her legs as she pleads on her knees, her daughter's shoe in hand, begging God to bring her baby back.

What would you do?
What would you do living during this time of turmoil?
Would you stand up and raise your voice or sit back and watch, hoping someone will step in to fight the fight?

Everyone had that choice, as Dr. King mentioned, black or white or other... Everyone had to make the decision at that time to stand up or sit in the background.

 I'd hope that I would have stood up and did what I knew was right, no matter the cost. I think there comes the point in everyone's life where they must make the decision to be bold. There will be the decision to go along with the crowd or go against the grain. I know there will be more of that for me as I follow Gods plan for me. How can I be sure to be ready?

Stand up for what I know is right... Even in what seems like a trivial or small situation. Those are the times of preparation. If I see someone being mistreated, or if people joke coarsely about someone, those are the opportunities to speak out and prepare for the "big moments". I know God has big things in store for me and you if we let Him lead us. If we trust that He has control. What better way to show and prove God's love than standing for it even when it seems like no one else will.

We have come a long way from the horrific treatment that people endured in the past. It would not have happened without bold leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr. and the many nameless faces that pushed the movement with a driving force. I am thankful for examples like them.