Para mi amigo querido...

The battle is real.

Today I witnessed a part of it.

I watched as my friend teared up and looked down while I placed my hand on the door.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore..."

He had not said many words with that simple phrase, but the weight of them carried on the air in the room and I knew immediately the feeling... a jarring feeling of being lost and disconnected, almost like riding on the teacups at a carnival.

You're on a ride that you can't get off of until it stops and as you spin, the world keeps spinning onward. They've all got their pace and everything seems to fit into perfect place for them. You want to tell them that you're starting to feel sick and the initial joy has worn off, but if you shout then your screams will be lost in the wind and become incomprehensible.

That's the way that I felt when I was dealing with depression.

The most drastic case of this happened when I tried a new form of medication. I was walking back to my dorm and all of a sudden everything felt like a dream. I looked to the street to seek help, but the only people around were in cars and they were all staring at me with these deep piercing stares. I tried to break their gaze but every time I looked each passing car was full of onlookers. I stumbled with my groceries, step by step to the crosswalk. I reached into my pocket for my phone and managed to dial my friend at school. She asked with concern if I needed a ride, but I was almost there. I told her to stay on the phone with me a bit and I crossed the street, trying my best to ignore the staring passersby.

To feel disconnected,
To feel lost,
To feel like there is no hope...
To lose the feeling of being connected to your cherished God,
is the worst feeling on the planet.

To feel these things for yourself is terrible,
To watch a friend suffer through the same thing
kills you.

I never want to see anyone I love face the terrifying pain of depression or mental illness.
It is the hardest because everything seems fine at one moment,
then the next...
they are lost,
drowning in the perilous sea of deceitful thoughts.

To be strong,
In a time when you want to fall apart,
Is the hardest.
When you watch the tears form,
When you watch a smile fade to a frown,
It is the most difficult thing to hold it together;
To turn around and say,
"Let me pray for you."

Everything inside wants to fix whatever is wrong,
Too many questions arise...
"God, why?"
These questions turn to
"God, we need more faith. Lord, help us to believe."

Jesus did help those who cried out for faith, and all that is truly required is a mustard seed.
And I know that it was Jesus that took my mustard seed and caused it to grow in that moment.
It was then that I was able to find the strength to keep my voice from wavering as I prayed. It was also then that I was able to remember the things that Jesus had carried me through: the words that He spoke, the promises that He made and the truth that He reminded me of.

There is a beauty in friendship. There is an even deeper beauty in the fellowship of believers. While one is weak, the other is strong. While one is struggling, the other keeps joy. And all along, I can see the Father delight in the way that His given love is shared amongst his children.