From commonplace to mad one.

Today, I awoke with joy in my heart. It was late in the day, when I would usually wake up frustrated with myself because I had wasted all chances of productivity. Not today. Today, I was simply happy to be alive. The storm had passed and I was ready to move on. It was time to rebuild; not to add on or reconstruct what was previously standing. This was the day for something new, something that would withstand the coming storms.

Now that my mind is free and all is well, I must brace myself. I must not become complacent. That is the one thing that bugs me about the periods of calm: the gaps where desperation and persistence in prayer are missing. If I could only find the middle ground. If only I could live on fire, a fire that burns until the end. That is my desire… to be a mad one.

There have been many mad ones; the ones who aren’t afraid to speak up, the ones who love without limits, the ones who give until they have nothing left to give, the ones who believe in the generations after them, more than they believe for their own generation. These are the ones that we marvel at their stories for years to come. Yet, some go unheard of by many. Regardless, this perpetuation undoubtedly was not easy to achieve.

I look back on the most difficult times of my life and how, without knowing, I was prepared for those moments. I was taught to be thankful, to connect with others, to be vulnerable and open and to grow in trust. It took some great amount of time to have the kind of transparency that I admire in King David of the Bible, and still I don’t come close. I began to see, as I made mistakes and shared my hurts, that as I shared with others I closed a gap that the enemy had tried to create. I saw that this honesty allowed it to become easier when it came time to share again. I also saw that as I grew closer to my friends and family, I wanted their support during these hard times. Soon, I found that they, too, had hurts and concerns they could relate to with me.

The kind of trust I referred to before is not only a trust in God, it is a trust in myself as well and how God can work in and through me, if I let Him. I discovered that there was a power in the value you place on your own self. This realization came one day when I shared with a friend in a painful transparency. He looked at me across that cold, hard table in the library and I squirmed in my uncomfortable chair worried that someone might overhear part of my life story. Yet, when my friend said these words, I no longer focused on the commotion about me.

“You need to value yourself more. You need to value the things that you say.”

It was then that I realized I had not placed any value on my own words. I had downplayed the things that I said and I had come to believe that, therefore, I had no value. I had begun to think of myself as an annoying gnat and as someone who could not be taken seriously. Of course, these were all lies, but I chose to believe them. At some point, while I was down, I heard a taunt and I started to believe words from enemy lines.

“You’re not a leader! Look at all those flaws! Some day someone is going to see one of those and you’ll be disqualified.”

“You think you are strong! You are always crying. People see you as the weak and emotional one. You are all over the place.”

“You’ll never get to where you wanted to be. Look at how many times you have messed up. You might as well give up.”

Then God started shedding light on the truth.

If I am so small, why would the enemy be trying so hard to quench my fire? If I truly am powerless, why would the enemy have to send so many of his forces to try to destroy me?

And as I started to see myself more as my Father in heaven sees me, I started to step out with more boldness and confidence. Singing no longer became a fear, but a joy. That was another concept that struck me. Singing is something beautiful and one thing that uses the life-giving breath we receive from our Father to pour out praise to Him in return. That would be another thing that the enemy would want to prevent. I heard it said, “Why do you think so many people are afraid to sing in front of others?” The truth is, not only do words have power, but, even more so… praise blows away barriers.

Yesterday, I was lost in a sea of confusion and pain. I chose to cling to the complaints that made me entitled.

Today, joy came with the morning. From a fresh perspective I arose. I had fallen down, but I chose to get back up.

It may be hard, but I refuse to live comfortably, ignoring the difficulties that could help me learn how to be stronger and more refined. Today, I choose to stand tall. I will burn, burn, burn. I will go out like a fireworks display, burning bright, burning strong… shining beautifully. I will forever be a mad one.