Zion

When I was younger I knew I was loved.

I danced without fear. I did things without thinking about anything anyone else would think. When you know you're loved... Nothing else matters.

Something happens as we grow. We start to wear the complaints and views others have of us. But the thing is, "others" don't know all about you. Only the one who made you knows all the ins and outs and the ways you work best. We spend too much time checking to see if we are doing things right according to other people, seeking approval from those around us, when the one who can give us the love we need is a call away.

There is a sense of adventure in all of us. There are dreams and visions we all hold on to.

The greatest adventure lies with the Creator, recreating the world around us...
Holding onto to hope for others,
Showing them their value,
Bringing light to the darkness.

"Do not fear, Zion; do not let your hands hang limp.
The Lord your God is with you,
The Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
In His love He will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:16-17

// Delight in me,
You delight in me.
Your beauty overwhelms,
You stir the seas
Write on the skies
Cover the mountaintops with snow,
And you delight in me.

I am loved,
And I am nothing without this love...
Nothing without You, Lord.
You have transformed me and all the ways I thought things were.
You have made this heart to dance,
These burdens flee,
This mouth to praise.
You, O Lord, have done a work in me.
Now I will forever be
Yours. //

Zion

"Do not fear, Zion; do not let your hands hang limp.
The Lord your God is with you,
The Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
In His love He will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:16-17

Delight in me,
You delight in me.
Your beauty overwhelms,
You stir the seas
Write on the skies
Cover the mountaintops with snow,
And you delight in me.

I am loved,
And I am nothing without this love...
Nothing without You, Lord.
You have transformed me and all the ways I thought things were.
You have made this heart to dance,
These burdens flee,
This mouth to praise.
You, O Lord, have done a work in me.
Now I will forever be
Yours.

Falling upon the wind.

Moments like this stick in my mind like vivid paintings hung in a prized gallery.

My heart flooded with questions in the night as I reflected upon the day...

What is it that gets me stuck at times?
"You try too hard."
I heard it with the ever-welcoming gentlest voice.

"Let go. Let me have you and just be."

A lesson I hope to excel in as I remember why I am here. I think about all those He wants me to aid and walk through life with, the conversations I will have seasoned with grace and the beauty I will see in His redemptive plan.

Daughter of the King.

Here it comes again...

That joy that bubbles up,
surfacing like sea foam when the wave hits the shore.

That's who I am,
one of the many waves in the sea of His endless love.

Better watch out when I come crashing into you
Cause His love is wild, fierce and strong.

I have been pondering on this thought though...
Who am I, truly?

Sarah King, daughter of the King.

Just like royalty should,
I will fight for the people.

I won't stop until His kingdom comes.
His love, unrelenting, will drive me out to the wildest of places to rescue, seek and save the lost.

I'm on a grand adventure with my Beloved.

I'm fierce and strong, with the gentleness of a motherly lion.
I'm calm but silly, making the moments count.
I observe, love to listen to stories and help shine light on the positive aspects in those stories...
Spurring people on with encouraging observations and agreeing with the vision and hope they already see.

I am a worshipper,
Delighting in my Savior with songs of praise...
I am usually not one to dance, but when my God fills me with His love,
I can't help but jump and spin.
I love to sing new songs, to be like a songbird:
Filling my lungs with the breath of Life and exhaling sweet melodies and harmonies.

I am a lover of nature, but not just appreciating it from afar...
I delight in sinking my feet in a cold, rushing stream...
Paddling through a bay...
Rushing down a snowy mountain, full speed,
And carving away at the powder beneath me...
Sprinting in autumn weather, racing with a soccer ball before me...

And of course...
I love writing.
While, I may tell other peoples stories through film I love to explore the hidden beauty of different aspects of life, to unearth layers of treasure in the things He teaches me. There's always something deeper and something new to learn about life, my God and His love.

If I could write down the beauty that God created in me, that is how I would describe myself. It took days of trudging through discouragement and depression to see that there is way more to me than the diagnosis I was given and the hardships in life that I have faced. I do, however, see how God used things for good and redeemed my situation many times before. I am ever grateful for this life and His love.

Thou art with me.

"...you're going to be so strong after all of this!"

I stared up at the moon as we gripped the curves of the dark road. My brother continued to calm me as we continued this irrational conversation.

Stronger.

At the time, I felt strong. In my mind there were no limits to what God could do through me. They say that people's true colors come out when they are under the influence... well, when your mind is pressed hard enough, there is also a certain transparency to your being.

There was, what I believed, a threat to my family and nothing was going to come in between me and them that night. I was enjoying the day with them one moment, and the next fear crept in. The next few days I fought a battle in my head.

Those three days were the longest of my life.

My mind was stretched in ways that I cannot explain. The amount of stress that I bore, I cannot again. And I could go into detail about each hour of my mind unwinding in insanity, but that is not the purpose of this post...

Some write to express in words what they cannot form with their lips, with a certain eloquence that builds as they unravel the layers from a tangled mystery.

Some write to declare with great joy the delight and beauty found in life.

I write to do the same, to slow down as I tread water and remember to breathe. Then, to turn back to the shore and shout, "the water's just fine, jump right in!"

I write with hopes that you will read that despite great difficulties, the journey is indeed a grand one.


"I don't believe you've brought me this far to leave me."




I was holding on to the moment that supernatural power would come; that strength that would outlast the storms... and it did come. I began to trust in God, that He would bring down every wall.

And He did.

But then I found that I would start to sink... and in my sinking,

I forgot to breathe.

I forgot to cling to the One I knew would make me strong, and practice the things He taught me.

But in His grace, He showed me that He was taking me somewhere new.

The nest had become a little too comfortable.

And it was time. Time to FLY.

This time as I looked back, I saw Jesus. So many days spent aching from the thought that maybe He had abandoned me. I used to wonder why He didn't sweep in and rescue me, when He did... He just didn't come when I thought He would. But He was always there... quieting me with His love.

I heard a mother tell a story of her child that was rushed to the emergency room. She said the doctors told her she had two tasks and asked if she could do them. One was to hold the child's head still during a scan and the other was to keep talking to him. She agreed, without a second thought. And as the child fought to keep with her, she spoke into his eyes with love.

As she told that story, I was taken back to the time I was in the hospital.

I awoke to a dark room. My eyes could not even stay open, but I cried out:
"Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

And He was there. Holding me still. Lessening the pain.

I used to think maybe he had abandoned me in that moment, but I see now that I was crying out for Him as He was in the room with me.  Though I was in a struggle to find peace and keep conscious, He was there comforting me:
"Hold on. I'm here child! Child, I'm here."

Stronger.

"After all of this you're going to be so strong."

The paramedic said as she helped me onto the gurney. Little reminders that He never left me. His voice carried through words of encouragement.

Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
I will not fear.
For thou art with me.

Lead me through

The chatter of creatures are indistinct as I find my footing on this slick ground.

Your light reaches... but I can only see so far.

(https://www.flickr.com/photos/brandonhirsch/)

Excitement rushes through my veins. I breathe in the cool, brisk air of adventure. Fear is but a driving factor as I navigate through the caverns.

Darkness surrounds me, but I have an assurance. I have promise of the other side and a heart full of exhilaration. O, the journey that awaits!

These past couple of weeks I have been faced with darkness and doubt that I have not experienced my whole life. I found myself asking why these questions were in my heart or why they were surfacing and why now?

Then I realized, just as Nehemiah faced mocking from Sanballat, when you are making the most progress or when you are doing what is right in the face of wrongdoing you will face opposition. Sometimes life seems ironic or paradoxical. Things that should go one way, go another. At the most inopportune moments, the unexpected happens.

And the worst of all...

Sometimes the battle is all in the mind.

Around me, the sun shined, but the cave surrounded my mind and the darkness clouded out the view.

I couldn't understand why those thoughts were happening when my life was pleasant. Then I began to see others' posts and hear of others' struggles. I always knew that the things we faced individually would one day help others corporately. In fact, I held on to that as part of what spurred me on. Jesus, my anchor, the thought of helping others to freedom, my goal;and the vision of seeing His kingdom come, my song. Music lifts the spirits and inspires. If I had a theme song it would consist of folky stringed instruments and people harmonizing as if they were one voice.

Sometimes I think of the verse in Proverbs 31 about laughing at "the time to come" and it strengthens me. The chapter is iconic and what most Christian women hope to be and for some reason, this verse sticks with me. Maybe it's the season I find myself in... emboldening, strengthening, and growing in maturity. I no longer have the choice to cower, but stand firm and refuse to be shaken in the midst of these taunts and distractions.

The battle of the mind is never an easy one, but the most rewarding thing in it is realizing the progress and how far from "Egypt" you have travelled. No longer a slave to fear, I shake off the doubt and shame. When pressure arises, I press in to my Father; my guide and Savior who is greater.

I find myself in the heart of the caverns at times. The walls seem to close in. But I know You are near, and the Light of Your Truth is my guide.

Plans for good.

Another step out,
Another wave tossed under,
But again I rise.

He lifts me up.

Writing this from a place of deep sorrow and uncertainty, but certain that He is faithful and true.

I wanted, with all that was in me, to shove down every memory from my last episode...
every wonky thought that I had...
every hurtful word I said...
every hurtful thing I did...
People ask me, "You remembered that?!"

Yes, unfortunately.... I do.

If I let it... it could haunt me 'til I am driven to a point of permanent madness. But I choose to stand in freedom. I choose to look back and laugh at the moments I danced around in the parking lot and said crazy things.

The one thing that I wanted to push down the most was my hurt. The hurt caused by feeling abandoned by God. The whole episode, every episode I have ever had, has revolved around the feeling that the world was literally ending; each time just slightly different, but it was founded on silly things I would read into.

But, tonight, I feel God tugging on my heart to let go... to let him in... so that I can let go.

So, I invite you into this process. I hardly ever return to much of what I type and rearrange it. Only minor edits. I always want this blog to be a process that encourages you to venture out boldly and bravely on your own journey.

So, here goes.

I was mad, hurt and felt lost. Abandoned was the perfect word. I always had the fear that I would be abandoned, that I didn't belong, and that I would do something that would forever change my relationship with others. Rejection. Many of us can relate to that fear.

This last episode I waited. I did not face the end with much fear. I merely waited, tried to encourage others, threw attacks at what I thought was the enemy, and waited... waited for my Jesus to return. And for what I now know was one day, but felt like 3 years in terms of my troubled mind, I journeyed far by foot and I waited for His return. Later, I was taken to the hospital and was stripped once again, and administered shots. All of this, the hospital experience, is always the most terrifying.

Then, after the medication set in...
the restlessness began.

That was the absolute worst experience with restlessness.
I writhed on the hospital bed, flailing my arms and legs.
This time I didn't try to leave, though they did not restrain me. I begged the person monitoring me to get me help. I returned to the bed and continued to cry out to Jesus.

At some point, I began to fall asleep, still restless... and they gave me something to calm my body down.

I think what my soul cries most is...
"Why didn't you come?!"

I cling to anything that will bring hope and comfort.
Your truth.
Your love.
The love that You give me through my family and the people I encounter.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..." -Romans 8:18
"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him." -1 Corinthians 2:9

And nothing separates me from His love.
The reason I hold on
is because I remember the times I heard His voice so clearly,
I recognize that the pain, confusion, and mess
contrast His goodness
and He uses it for my good.
He has plans that are
for good
And He is
always good.

We SHALL [overcome.]

About a week ago I found myself walking down a path,

littered with the best evergreen trees and dotted with blackberry plants.

It brought me home.

Back to the forested mountains of North Carolina, where occasionally there were sightings of black bears that ate from the blackberries there. 

Yet, as I walked these paths, the black top that sloped down to a canal...

I stopped to watch the most amazing thing...

Swallows.

These birds amazed me. 

All birds tend to amaze me with their joy and sheer delight in their song, but these ones were special. This time it wasn't a song that drew me in. It was the continuous flight.

And as I watched, I began to reflect on my journey. How I would dip low into the valleys, yet joy carried me on. God has given me such strength and joy to endure.

There were times I didn't know quite what was happening and I clung to hope.

Times when I was in and out of the hospital... oftentimes it's the invisible battles that prove the hardest.

(had my "emo" days)

But, celebrated my life and was gifted with my guitar by loving friends.

Spent time at rest by cool streams, and still waters.

And, after a first experience out of the country... seeing extreme poverty firsthand... 

I got to go to my father's country, Sierra Leone.

Graduated an amazing school of discipleship.

 And completed that with a 2-month outreach to Thailand.

Ended up in the place I had always dreamed of living... Sunny SoCal.

It was beyond my expectations! (the life I was living)

Celebrated birthdays...

Suffered loss...

Marched in victory alongside dear friends...

Went to another country I never dreamed of actually visiting... (England)

Travelled the country with my family and best friend...

Did the things that I enjoyed but, in some ways, feared... (playing soccer with people I barely knew at a new school and sharing songs I wrote in public)...

...made a documentary in Belize...

...met Kim Walker! ...

Now

I am fighting the stigma placed on addicts,

shedding light on issues of mental health,

spreading Christ's love and loving every moment of it.

Reflecting on my past

I see so much my Good, Good, Father has done

how He graciously rewards

and how I am nothing apart from 

His lovingkindness,

His goodness,

His love.

Hold on to your story.

Cling to your testimony.

And own it.

For that is how

We shall overcome.

Higher and higher (we climb.)

If I were to ask, most people would not say one of their top fears is being too joyful.

If I were to tell you that I had kept something in for years because I thought that no one would be able to relate to it... you wouldn't be surprised.

If I told you one of my biggest fears for years had been becoming too joyful,
you might be perplexed.

What possible rationale would lie behind that fear?

People across the globe would pay for joy if it came by the bottle.

Yet, for years I put the cap on the potential I held for myself. I chose to listen to the diagnosis and labels attached to that diagnosis. I chose to view myself through a lens that did not define me.

You may or may not be able to relate to a limit placed on yourself through a diagnosis, but we all have them...
Limits. Restraints. Fears.

What's holding you back?

Who have you been listening to?

We have a choice. Everyday we make choices... choices to give up or fight... choices to stay silenced or sing... choices to complain and gossip or love...

Some of the most important choices we make, the choices that sway our whole being and ones that determine the other choices and outcomes, are the choices we make to listen to the truth or lies; to follow people who have our best interest in mind or to follow those who have knowledge but no heart to go with it. I wish life were as simple as it used to be in elementary school. You bring your enemy's favorite toy to school and share it and the world is a better place. Unfortunately, things grow complicated with time.

I used to be carefree. In high school I would go to those sleepovers where I would giggle all night with friends. I was a literal tree hugger at one point. I found it funny to hug trees in a park that had marks to be cut down. Those were times when I was learning. I was growing and being formed into a young woman that found late in her sophomore year that the world was quite a different place than she imagined.

All this goes to say, I used to be full of joy and no worries were attached to that joy.

Then, a fear developed over time. After experiencing some troubling times that earned a title, or diagnosis, I started to worry and wish that I never experienced joy again.

Don't get me wrong, I love life. I love my family and friends and of course I want to experience it to the fullest. I was simply afraid that I would get out of hand and not be able to control myself.

Years later... now... I have discovered that this fear was wrongly placed. Of course, the biggest extinguisher of strength, as I know it, would be to create a fear of the one thing that sustained me. It is quite true what the Bible claims: "... the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah).

If there is one thing that can sustain you throughout a fullblown tempest, it would be...
Joy.

Joy is different from happiness.
I am not referring to a high,
nor a fleeting feeling,
a giddiness,
nor a good time of laughter.

Joy is the rock that will stand the test of time.
It is the substance that kicks in when no one else can comprehend or hope for a positive outcome to a situation.
It is the fullness and abundance that defines life with Christ.

Of course it would be an object to be stolen.

I had a click moment last Sunday as my pastor spoke. She spoke on joy. She spoke about many things concerning joy, but the one thing that stood out was that the enemy did not want us joyful. It was the first time in my life that something like that clicked about my particular life and present situation. For so long I had been worrying and grobbling over what people would think of me.

Would they see me as a maniac?
Would they see me as too much?
Would I lose friends because I'm odd?
Would I do or say something that would cause me to forever lose a friend?
Would I ever get to the point where I would not be able to contain myself if I was happy?

So many times I would ask myself these questions. Then immediately I would respond.

I would rather be "crazy"... crazy passionate about the life I was living, than to hold it in and appear mediocre to the world.

My Jesus was not mediocre. In fact C.S. Lewis put it best:
"...He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to..."

Let's put it this way... Jesus did not come and live plainly. He did some things that were not expected and quite radical for any time.

When it comes down to it we have a choice, as long as we are breathing...
We can make the choice to live... 
Or we can make the choice to live extraordinarily.

You decide.

Hard. But beautiful.

Longsuffering.

When you say it like that... well, it doesn't sound so pretty.

But the truth is, the most beautiful things take time and come from harsh conditions.

Learning that patience, when learning to love, not only needs the utmost attention when you love people, but it comes in handy when loving yourself.

You have to be patient with yourself.
You have to realize we are all works in progress... in a process...

I like the term "journey". This journey is an adventure, with twists and turns, roadblocks, run-ins with the enemy, moments of glory and victory.

For so long I had beat myself up for the lack of progress I thought I had. So many times I thought I was stuck in a rut or a pit I couldn't get out of, yet as soon as I gained this perspective that maybe I was learning and growing I began to give myself time. Now, I am choosing to be gentle with myself. I'm going to sit back and watch the buds flower. I'm going to wait in excitement for the beauty that is to come. And when the old fades away... I am going to wait. Knowing the light from tomorrow will bring blossoms anew.

Why, it's even said grace grows best in winter. It was hard for me to grasp the full meaning before but I'm starting to see I can't learn these things in a splendid Utopia. I have to venture out, boldly and battle the giants that, in turn, will make me strong.

the tempest

I'm at it again.

The crashing of the waves carry me out to the point I feel I'm drowning.
I've lost track of the rise and fall.

It's all the same now.
The clouds are on the horizon and I can't find footing.
Forget footing... I'm far from solid ground.

Was I on a journey?
This place just doesn't appear like anything I imagined.

"...Lead me where my trust is without borders...
Let me walk upon the waters...
Wherever You may call me."

I prayed this many times, not thinking of the consequences that could follow. Consequences are not always negative. They can sit with you in a wrong way or you can choose to let them impact you for good.

Did what you asked Hosea seem logical, even during his time? Marry an adulterous woman and love her tremendously. In fact... I'm not sure Hosea even understood that when God first spoke to him, the extent God loves and how He wanted to love His people.

Then there was another aspect I found myself in awe over: the emotion of God.

Something happened today as I sat on the shores of the Pacific... I watched the tumultuous waves and I thought about God's power and might.

I used to think I was alone in experiencing extreme emotion....

My Creator is passionate.

And that passion is fueled by his love...
I choose to be fueled by His love.
His perfect love.

called by a new name

We live in a world provoked by fear...

I have heard it said that you either operate in faith or fear, one or the other. The presence of fear is not the greatest issue. However, it is what one decides in the presence of fear that determines the future.

Faith in others leaves one striving for acceptance and craving more understanding. Faith in self leaves one devastated, lost and empty. Faith in a dream leaves one hopeless when the dream is not achieved.

An encounter with the Almighty leaves one...
Forever changed.

Abram became Abraham... Father of the Nations.
Jacob became Israel... God's Servant.
Simon became Peter, after meeting Jesus, God in the flesh.
Saul became Paul after encountering the resurrected Lord.

But it was not merely a calling of a new name.
It was a mark, a proclamation by God... a rebirth,  a restart.

What would you do with a new chance? ...one new start at the life you were sure you left in disrepair?

Faith.

That's all it takes.
One step,
A plunge with the fear at your back...
One step and the past is behind you.

You see, the fear, it was just the push to take you there... to that point of surrender and realization that you could not do it on your own.

Don't worry, you weren't the first to think that you could do it on your own. And you certainly weren't the first to fail or make mistakes.

But you can be the first at a lot of things.

Pioneers march forward in the face of insurmountable fear. They don't pioneer for their own sake either... it's always to lead others.

So, go ahead...
Don't be afraid.
Chase those dreams,
But never forget the One who authored them.
And, certainly, don't ever forget to constantly turn to Him for counsel.

Exposure

|Exposure|
Can be a scary thing...
whether it's a wound or the hidden mess of a room.

Darkness seems daunting, but the minute a small light comes in contact with it, it doesn't seem as much of a match.

I'm learning.
Learning things the hard way.
Maybe the hard way is the only way it will sink in and create lasting impact.

"And darkness is fading in, and darkness is real "

Sometimes darkness seems so real.

Yet I know that it creeps around with an intimidating stare, waiting for an opportune moment to barge in. 

I have found that exposing lies is hard but so worth it. Whether the lie is something small or something rooted in past hurts and regrets, the result is the same if you choose to give it power. 

Some of my favorite movies have been superhero movies for the reason that they hold timeless truths. When I think of lies and how the enemy tries to intimidate I think of the Wolverine film. I think of how the bad guy spent his life trying to gather the equipment and resources to recreate something like Wolverine in order to defeat him and hold the power. I am reminded of how the enemy tries to manipulate in order to defeat creation. Then, in the movie, the last battle reveals the real enemy... shriveled and still striving for power, stripped down to reveal an ugly reality: self-seeking will end in misery. And all along he wore a large metal suit that made him seem truly omnipotent and indestructible... 

I know my God has the victory. I simply need to take time to remind myself of the truth and to take minutes from His perspective to see that it is all going to be alright.

Alice, at last.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?"
(Psalm 42:5)

That's a question I have found myself asking recently.

Depression and anxiety are no modern constructs. It seems that with the growing intensity of stress from sources, more and more people are experiencing it.

Yet, there still remains a growing amount of curiosity and a lingering stigma attached to issues with mental health. I have found myself boggled when it comes to describing bipolar disorder and psychosis to others who have not experienced it. And, as much as I would like to be able to help shed light on the illness, it seems the difficulty involved in vocalizing these experiences is very real.

Recently I saw a blog post from one of my favorite non-profits, To Write Love on Her Arms. I was encouraged by the way that a girl diagnosed with bipolar disorder was able to be so positive despite her trials.

I found myself becoming more and more empowered in the past, but that sense of empowerment had started to fade after I made a poor decision with medication.

"What is mania?"
A friend asked after I told her that I had just experienced it.

I gave a textbook answer. I had regurgitated these terms before.

The answer sounded like a definition you would find on Wikipedia, but in it was hidden bits of frustration.

"The opposite of depression with bipolar people. It's no fun. Well it seems fun. It gives you a euphoric feeling and you feel super bold and confident but it can go into psychosis"

I was tired of not being able to distinguish reality at times. Though I had become better at figuring out when something was happening, the last few times I had become manic they seemed like a normal thing to me. The last full episode of psychosis is what threw me into depression.

The delusional thoughts seemed to terrorize me and haunt me long after I had recovered. I would have a day or two of peace and then I would be in that drab reality. The techniques from the therapist only went so far, but I was learning to cope.

What has helped the most is realizing that I am who I am and not my emotions. The emotions may color how I view my world and, at times, they may color my world quite vibrantly; but my emotions do not dictate who I am, nor do they rule me.

My favorite line from a story that stems from a girl struggling through mental issues herself is
"Alice, at last."
Well, I actually haven't read the book, but in the film that moment is pivotal and very meaningful to me. It is the point when Alice, after defeating the beast, finally displays the courage and confidence she had been holding on to all along. It took the caterpillar calling out this growth in Alice for her to realize that she was more than who she thought she was.

I am dreaming of the day when I, too, will discover the fullness of my potential. God has been slowly blowing away the dust and decay and restoring me as I ought to be. The me that's going to take on the world in the future is the me that has been there all along, just a little rusty and beat up from the wear and tear of life. Though I may be a "work in progress", I am ready to be the advocate that he has called me to be; starting with this post.

I hope that this post finds you at a place in life where you need it most... whether you be someone hurting and confused from a diagnosis that you have received, or whether you be someone that is interested in helping others through their journey...
Whoever you are,
You matter.
Your story matters, your dreams matter, and you will make an impact on this planet that nobody else can.

Flight

I always find myself writing at happier times. It is hard to write when things can't be figured out or put together.

Sometimes, even in the good times, I wish I could find the words to put to emotions and experiences. It is always comforting when someone can help put to words the things you have felt. I found myself relating to David when he described his anguish because of the "voice of the enemy" and oppression.
He longed to fly away as if he had "the wings of the dove".

I found myself so many times recently longing to simply escape the troubles of life. The burdens seemed too much to bear. I knew I had to turn and face my fears, but for some reason I could no longer see the victory. My vision was blurred. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed as though I couldn't get up. Literally. I couldn't find the strength to leave my room at points. The enemy was having a great time poking and prodding me. I imagine the little chain tied to my ankle, like a baby elephant. There is no way the chain could hold down that magnificent creature, but... as long as he believes it, the chain will hold him down.

I needed just one breath, one break, one step away to see that I have a marvelous destiny. Holding on that long was worth it. The place I was in I hope not to return. So I will at any cost do my best to prepare for those moments.

I realized like a person training for a marathon or even just to stay in shape, will work on muscles, building them up, yet, with consistency. As soon as that consistency is lost, there is no telling what could happen. Usually, all of the work before that point is lost. And, gaining muscle takes pain and persistence. I have learned by watching my mom work hard towards her goals. Just as this physical fitness takes effort, persistence and consistency, so does a spiritual fitness.

I shall press on, bold and strong.

You gave me life.

"You gave me life..."

So many clichés can be easily thrown around in Christianity or just in general in trying to grasp and make an understanding of this life on Earth and life in Christ. What does it really mean though to live a full life? What does His sacrifice and free gift look like and mean to us?

For a while I went about living in bliss and naievity, not knowing much about a life apart from Christ. I was young and had the blessing of living in a decent environment. I would do my chores and happily trot off to take my earnings for a slice of pizza down the street. I got to play sports and had a shot at learning different instruments... simple opportunities that are often taken for granted. I didn't grow up completely sheltered. I had my share of trials and difficulties. I soon learned that not everyone loved God to the extent I would've thought... some didn't even believe that this God who had called me and laid a burden of love on my heart at an early age even existed.

I regularly got questions about why I didn't do certain things or why I was so at peace and calm in certain situations. I began to wonder what was wrong with me. If this wasn't necessarily how most people were what was the difference. I mean I knew that there was a world that needed to know Christ, but even in simplicity and the mundane there is a depth that goes unseen.

Once a friend of mine called me his "holy friend". I had considered my life as a lifestyle of purity, set apart (or holy/wholly) for God, but was that what life was all about. Was that it? I knew what he most likely referred to: a life without doing sinful things or things that people considered bad.

Of course, I knew there was more to life than a checklist and keeping from doing wrong. What I had not yet considered was exactly what this life I was living was truly about. I had never considered it to this extent. With every new experience and day that goes by, though, we grow a little bit more. We grow in knowledge and understanding. We grow stronger, whether we feel we have or not. We learn how to navigate this life on Earth. We learn how to deal with or love the people around us, depending on whether or not you consider yourself just living to get by or living a life of purpose.

It is so easy to live as though you want to just get by, to toss away vision and live just to survive. I've been guilty of that many times. It is truly hard to experience the trials that we face without some point of wanting to give up. We all come face-to-face with fear. We all face nervousness, anxiety, and confusion. It is what we choose to do, how we choose to react at that point that changes everything. It could even be that you decide to entertain the thoughts that come along with fear for a bit. At some point you have to fight back, or you will be easily overtaken. When it fear returns, and inevitably it shall, the cycle will continue.

But I found something in recent boughts of wanting to give up...

Life is more than getting by.
Life is more than a checklist or reaching checkpoints.

It may throw you off what I am going to say next...

Life is about...

Enjoying it.

Don't get me wrong, there are so many more aspects to life and the meaning of it. Like I said, there is a depth that often cannot be fully explained with mere words.

Yet, I found these last few weeks that one difference that Jesus has made in my life is giving me a sense of enjoyment that goes beyond normal fulfillment of desires. He meets every deep need, more so than the immediate needs. And he even chooses to meet immediate needs so that we are taken care of and that we "shall not want" (Psalm 23). It may not be that you have everything you think you need in the walk as a Christian but you learn to "be content in every situation and circumstance" (Philippians 4).

As I described at the start of these thoughts, we learn to grow, whether it is with God or apart from God. He teaches us like a parent with a child and as we prove that we can take more responsibility, He gives it more freely. And as I described enjoying life, He slowly reveals more to us about the beauty of life, in moments that are not always profound: the beauty of dew upon a fallen leave on a misty morning, the twinkle of a toddlers eyes and the crinkling of his face as he laughs, or even the sound of a hummingbird trilling through the trees.

Life is full of these moments. I hope that you begin to find them more and more. And I pray that you begin to dream beyond your wildest imagination.