Plans for good.

Another step out,
Another wave tossed under,
But again I rise.

He lifts me up.

Writing this from a place of deep sorrow and uncertainty, but certain that He is faithful and true.

I wanted, with all that was in me, to shove down every memory from my last episode...
every wonky thought that I had...
every hurtful word I said...
every hurtful thing I did...
People ask me, "You remembered that?!"

Yes, unfortunately.... I do.

If I let it... it could haunt me 'til I am driven to a point of permanent madness. But I choose to stand in freedom. I choose to look back and laugh at the moments I danced around in the parking lot and said crazy things.

The one thing that I wanted to push down the most was my hurt. The hurt caused by feeling abandoned by God. The whole episode, every episode I have ever had, has revolved around the feeling that the world was literally ending; each time just slightly different, but it was founded on silly things I would read into.

But, tonight, I feel God tugging on my heart to let go... to let him in... so that I can let go.

So, I invite you into this process. I hardly ever return to much of what I type and rearrange it. Only minor edits. I always want this blog to be a process that encourages you to venture out boldly and bravely on your own journey.

So, here goes.

I was mad, hurt and felt lost. Abandoned was the perfect word. I always had the fear that I would be abandoned, that I didn't belong, and that I would do something that would forever change my relationship with others. Rejection. Many of us can relate to that fear.

This last episode I waited. I did not face the end with much fear. I merely waited, tried to encourage others, threw attacks at what I thought was the enemy, and waited... waited for my Jesus to return. And for what I now know was one day, but felt like 3 years in terms of my troubled mind, I journeyed far by foot and I waited for His return. Later, I was taken to the hospital and was stripped once again, and administered shots. All of this, the hospital experience, is always the most terrifying.

Then, after the medication set in...
the restlessness began.

That was the absolute worst experience with restlessness.
I writhed on the hospital bed, flailing my arms and legs.
This time I didn't try to leave, though they did not restrain me. I begged the person monitoring me to get me help. I returned to the bed and continued to cry out to Jesus.

At some point, I began to fall asleep, still restless... and they gave me something to calm my body down.

I think what my soul cries most is...
"Why didn't you come?!"

I cling to anything that will bring hope and comfort.
Your truth.
Your love.
The love that You give me through my family and the people I encounter.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..." -Romans 8:18
"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him." -1 Corinthians 2:9

And nothing separates me from His love.
The reason I hold on
is because I remember the times I heard His voice so clearly,
I recognize that the pain, confusion, and mess
contrast His goodness
and He uses it for my good.
He has plans that are
for good
And He is
always good.