A breath of fresh air

I need to write.

There are so many things that I don't take the time to reflect upon. When I do reflect on my day, I find myself seeing God's fingerprint and hand in everything. I still love the lines that Anna Nalick sung in her song...

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to..."

Sometimes I just need this time. It doesn't feel like I can speak the things that are weighing on my heart or process the thoughts in my mind. When I write, things become so clear. I may not come up with clear solutions, but I discover what is in my heart. It's like the source of my emotions rises to the surface; a bit of me that was hiding in the depths is able to surface for a breath of air.

That's what writing is to me. A breath of fresh air. A lifesaver in the midst of the raging sea.
It is a way that I connect with God. I feel Him beckoning..."over here, there's something you have missed". And the way I am able to weave in Scripture and art that reflects His glory. I love it.

Lately, I have felt as though there was not enough room for everything.

I felt like I put way too much effort into things that just didn't work out.
I tried waking up early to work on assignments and start my day off right with quality time with God and breakfast... with hopes of exercising once the routine was set.

Yet, when I went to sleep early it didn't matter. I would sleep for countless hours.

I tried to stay up late to fit in my assignments. Then I would wake up feeling rushed and tired.

Setting habits and routines are so hard. But I recognize how important it is, especially for people with mental illness. I am just so frustrated at how hard it has been and the health problems I have had this semester. When they do happen I feel like it's my fault and when I try to explain it to get help in school I feel like I'm making excuses.

It should not be that way.

Just as if I were sick with the flu or as if I broke a bone, I should feel comfortable enough to explain that something is wrong and not feel ashamed to get help.

I just feel like I always cry in those moments.

That's when the thoughts come in that
"I'm too weak" "they probably think I'm crying to get better grades" "why do I always cry? Is something wrong with me?" "when will I ever get through this?"

On the other hand, I am so blessed to have the assistance and support that I do. I just don't understand why I still feel that way. There is a stigma attached to mental illness and years of hurt that have built up, not even due to intentional harm from people but just the nature of the trauma that happened in episodes and misunderstanding from people who thought I was just slower at doing things.

That slower processing that occurred with different medicine changes caused me to view myself as someone who was inferior. My ex-boyfriend recognized that he would get frustrated at me too much and realized that it was too much so we ended our relationship. I was left thinking that maybe no one would be able to "deal with me" or understand me fully. I have even had jobs or volunteer where people would get impatient with me for the time it took for me to complete tasks.

Now, as far as relationships go, I dream of a husband who will see me as God sees me. One that sees the beauty in my perceived flaws, that can laugh with me at silly things, and be there with me through the hardest times. He doesn't have to cry with me, give me answers to life's questions or even understand completely what I'm going through. Just to say,"I'm here" is enough.

It still seems like someone like that will never come. There is some piece of me that still holds on to a lie that it is not possible to have a healthy relationship that stems from many divorces and marital problems that I saw happening around me..."And that was the day that I promised that I'd never sing of love if it doesn't exist..."

That song spoke directly to my fear... only instead of living with a distance and pushing guys away, I searched for acceptance and comfort that I knew was found in one person alone.

"Why the searching, O tired soul? ," My heart cries.


"I'm here."
I still remember those words clear as day as I watched "Robin Hood". I was pining for a relationship where someone would take great risk for me and pursue me as Robin Hood pursued Marian.

How many times do we chase after what's been in front of us all along?

Like the story of the prodigal son, the Father stands waiting. I imagine him with a tear in his eye, his lips curled up in a warm smile as he holds out his arms.

And I remember his promises. The promise that He will never leave nor forsake me. The promise that nothing could ever separate me from His love. The promise that my family will be okay. The promise that He has someone special for me. The promise that He will go before me and be with me. The promise that He will use me as an advocate. The promise that He will use my voice... I am a daughter with purpose and meaning, value and important things to say.

Rewind.

After talking with a friend tonight, I decided...

No more just flowery posts. Not everything that I put up here will be poetic, or full of insight and perfection. Some of what I post will not have a resolution. And I will have to be okay with that.

That is the part of me that I wanted to explore on this journey... the part that is figuring it out, the part that doesn't have every inch of life figured out to the tee.

That is the part of me that I never want to hide, no matter how hard it may be or how painful it may become. I find it ridiculous that we would try to paint a picture that everything is perfect and fine and dandy when the truth is, we are all broken.

Don't get me wrong. I have hope. Tons of hope. And I believe that God is redeeming this imperfect world. But until then, we have to let our walls fall, let our barriers down and let one another in. There is no other way of doing this... no other way of doing life together. Life is meant to be shared. Not lived alone.

That being said....
Lately...
Lately, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This time I am starting to read the curves. I am learning more about myself and becoming more aware. I'm still screaming on the hills though. And I beat myself up for it. I keep thinking when I get to a low point that I will be more prepared and that I can easily lift myself out. I always lose sight in the darkness though.

I was thinking today about a storm. (Sorry, this is using a lot of analogies so it is becoming poetic fast, but in reality I do think this way) I thought to myself. Why? Why do we take our eyes off of Jesus? I keep thinking about head knowledge and heart knowledge. I know that He is all-powerful and caring. Logically, He will make sure that I'm okay, right? Those waves sure do seem convincing though. They are real and tangible, when He is out of reach. They lash against me and pull me down.

All I can do is faintly hear His voice.

Sometimes I don't even hear a thing.

Sometimes I wonder...
Where are you?

Sometimes I run to other people.

They seem tangible enough.

I can't seem to focus enough to read anything, let alone read Your Word.

How do I bring myself to trust?

Trust You enough to believe and remember those promises You made me, no matter how high the waves climb, no matter how loud the winds howl?

Honestly, I'm tired.

Tired of falling so hard and deep that I completely lose sight of His promises for me. And honestly, a promise is what I care least about in those moments. One word. Just one word is all I want to hear from God when I'm in those situations.

I want to be reliant upon God and not feel like a burden to those around me or feel like I'm the weakest person ever.

I know. Weak isn't bad.
Well, it may be to you.
The mystery of His kingdom is that the last are first and the weak are made strong.
Easier said than done.

Drenched in Your Love.

Oh, how I've missed you, Lord!

The thought that you are proud of me still seems foreign,
But I await the day with eager expectation that this comforting truth begins to seep in...
Deep.
Let Your uncontrollable love wash over me.

I know this is what You have waited for,
The explosion of a million passions inside my heart.
I was meant for more,
More than comfortable living,
More than just getting by.
You created me with purpose,
With care,
With passion.
In a process of intricate and thoughtful invention
You knit me together in my mother's womb.

This very breath that I take,
Everything that I have comes from You,
Flows through me in a loving exchange,
I owe it all to You.

Love,
Your love
Is more than enough...
More than the endless stretch of the emerald sea.

..........................
I just want to thank you for a freedom from the cares of this world. I thank you for Your comfort, for revealing things to me in Your perfect timing; for continually healing, redeeming, restoring and making me new. You have melted away my fear and insecurities with Your love. I believe that You are perfect love; Lord, in You there is no darkness. You cast out the darkness with Your light and enable me to live with power, love, and sound mind. I love that I am secured in You. Jesus, thank you that You have always protected me from harm. Jesus, You are all I need, forever.

Worth it

Is it true...
Can it be?

You bled and died so that
I could be completely free.
Yet, what have I done?
Sat back down and hid everything inside.

Forgiven...
You say I'm forgiven.
You call me Yours.
I have become my own worst critic,
I can't see past the faults
Your perfect love,
Stronger than death
Came and dwelt with us,
The only thing that could overcome sin,
Dwelt in flesh,
So that we might receive Your righteousness.
"You are forgiven."

Finished.
"It is done."
No more tapes replayed inside your head.
No more believing the lies that disguise themselves as truth.
Free.
"You are free."
Free to be yourself.
Just the way you were made,
Designed with beauty and delight...
Perfect in the Father's eyes.
Precious one,
Forget the lies,
Forget the worries and cares you hold deep inside.

"Run to me."
Run to me,
Daughter, I have set you free.

"You were worth it all to me."

Jesus, You are to me...

Some time, a long time ago, I wrote out an expression of who Jesus was to me:

"How do I describe who and what You are to me?When I think about how truly beautiful You are my heart skips for joy.You are the joy radiating from my smile,the very rays of the sun,Light of the world, You arethat blanket holding me secure,an overwhelming peace,the wind gently brushing my face,Prince of Peace,You arethe constant beat of my heartevery breath that I takethe living water that sustainsLife,You are..." (http://serenadesunderstars.blogspot.com/2011/10/everything-you-are-to-me.html)And now I find myself reevaluating and processing the knowledge I have gained over those years.In a discussion about Jesus, I discovered that I was looking back on at least 19 years of a relationship with Christ and asking, "how do I know He's real?"Sure enough, I found the speaker spilling out my heart in a video. Somewhere across the world, in the crowded city of London, somebody had experienced the same Jesus that I knew.I think it's funny how something that seems so subjective, or that is looked at as subjective, is not as subjective as it seems. There is a real tangible Truth, my God is real... and He touches the lives of so many people everyday. It may be in different ways, for He is an infinite God; yet, He is the same person, through and through. As I look back at the poem, I can say that Jesus is all of that and more to me... He is the anchor that holds me steady,the one who beckons me gently into His presence,the power that tore the veil,He was and is and always will bethe one who wipes my tearswho holds my hearta comfort to the hopeless,He was and is and always will bethe one I can talk to,no matter what the circumstance,the closest friend one could ask for,He was and is and always will be,the only one who can calm the fear that wells up inside of me,He speaks with such authority,Wonderous Sovereign of the SeaHe was and is and always will be.

Come like you promised.

Just as it is easy to spill forth praise when times are easy or things are feeling good, I find it easy to write when I am inspired or when I have a burst of good feelings.

This... writing this... is not easy.

Don't get me wrong, life is not terrible right now. It is just hard.

I remember talking with someone about how when you get to a point of breakthrough, the devil will try to hit you with something new. I think that corresponds with new seasons in life. 

I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was, even a year ago. I'm not quite sure where, but I'm not there. 

I have reached the point where I realized that I absolutely need God, which is great; but the pain that it took to get there is not. Well, I guess that is what pain is for... to remember the feeling attached to that decision that was made, so that when it comes time to make that decision again it doesn't happen.

I was talking with someone else about how gracious God is. I feel like I don't deserve a thing, but He lavishes His love upon me. He blesses me when I don't treat Him as I should. 

I have not been spending time with Him as I should and, when I'm not looking at His grace, I count the times that I have spent with Him verses the times that I haven't. Yet, in light of His grace, I see that I have been keeping Him in my heart. It's just hard to remember that sometimes. We are our own worst critics. 

"There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Remember this, O, my soul.

And I write this because I know that I will look back and see how far God has brought me. I also write this, hoping somewhere someone can relate. I know that it is not much, but I feel that being real and genuine in this walk with Christ helps the world to see that we are not some super humans, but that it is by Christ alone that I live and have strength.

"I may be weak, but Your Spirit is strong in me."

I am very weak, but I have His glorious Spirit living in me. That same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead, lives in me. THAT, that truth alone is mind-blowing. If only I walked around believing that, and really taking hold of that truth at all times.

Lord, be with me, reminding me of Your truth. Let Your Words not depart from my mouth. Let me be strong because You are with me. 

Ahora, quiero estar en tu presencia. Ven Señor, ven como dijiste. Tu presencia vida me da.

To love and be loved by You...

I sit and I think
About my life and the weight of it all,
But when I read about Your love
Everything changes.

To know that I am loved,
That I have been loved
By a Creator
Who looks not at my past,
But who I am,
Who He created beautifully
And that He calls me precious,
He actually sees me for me
His love astounds me!

Then I think about how His grace,
abounding,
Looked at me before time
And said,
" I love her,
I will go to any length for her."
I remember that you said you loved me
While I was still a sinner.

Your promise I cling to:
Nothing could ever separate me from Your love.
And nothing ever will...
Whether I succeed, on my terms,
Or fail,
Whether I keep it together.
Or fall apart...
You will still love me.

And because You first loved us,
I will love outrageously!
Because You said You'd never leave
I will trust that, with You,
I can do anything.

I will stand on judgement day boldly,
Because You love me,
Because of the confidence that I am loved
And as Your Word assures me that,
I can now face anything.

Let Your perfect love reign in my heart.