Children of Light

There is just so much to say... Where do I begin?

This weekend was one of the best. I got to hear from women from all different walks in life and ones that were serving in all different areas and places.

It's so crazy how God asks us all for a "Yes" but what that "yes" looks like for each person could be very different from another person's "yes". I also find it interesting how life seems to unfold. It is often synchronous with the way that God and his attributes are revealed. I discover so much about God through the circumstances and situations that happen in my life and through reliance upon Him.

I don't feel "inspired" right now to write, but I wanted to take this time to reflect because so much has happened. God has been so good. I found a job and a place to stay. I didn't get to the point of anxiety about those things because I had learned that God has always taken care of me and that worrying would not add anything or be beneficial, as it says in Matthew 6.

It's one thing to hear scripture, it's another to finally understand it.

I heard so many awesome testimonies this weekend.
They reminded me that God destined us each for greatness. It got me excited. And as we sang an inspired chorus, passion began to well up within me.

"Light wins over darkness... every time... every time!"

What had I worried myself about so many times?

I thought that the plans that God had for me required some great sacrifice and hardship...
While, yes, it may involve great sacrifice and hardship; there is a beauty to it.
I remembered my Jesus: how he gave everything for us at the cross.
God had everything under control.
He knew that He had to give His only son to bring us eternal life.
The enemy, Satan, thought that he had my Jesus defeated as He died on the cross.
Yet, little did he know, Jesus would rise again and take His place on the throne.
Light wins, always.

So, as I think about the things that may happen with trials and hardship, I remember that there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to worry about. My Jesus has victory.

Light wins... 
every time.

Communitas

What do you do
When you feel no one understands?
That feeling of being just a number or plain shade of grey
Jumbled together on a paint swatch with similar shades.
It's then that I am longing for a shared response
Or even an acknowledgement that assures me I am understood.
I don't need a "Jesus response".

Let me explain, because I feel it is very key to touch on the spiritual aspect
And to recognize how God's truth plays into a situation,
But there are times when I feel that I need a more practical response
Or something a little less generic.

Now I am seeing what people feel when a follower of Christ
tries to console those who may not fully understand God's love and grace.
There is a mutual exchange that must happen between individuals,
a surrendering of the fortress built to keep outsiders from seeing our innermost feelings and process of taking in confessions without judgement and preconceived notions.
These notions need not solely focus on the person but they can also be about the person's situation or story. No assumptions can be made about how circumstances are or how they should be until the whole story is heard out.

Of course we are not perfect and this is a learning process. I just hope that I can learn to actively listen more and respond in a helpful way. I also hope that I can learn to better share my story and feelings in a transparent manner.

En tu eterno amor

Maybe it's because I'm up late listening to love songs...
Maybe it's that spot in my heart missing you.

I can't help but think about how I gave you my heart,
How I tried my best to love unconditionally...

Will there ever be
Someone who loves me
totally for me?

I could try and love again
I could completely take you and your family in...
but I feel my heart might burst,
if I had to take that chance again;
the chance that, that love may not be returned
in the same way.
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I have to trust
Be still, O heart
Trust and find
All you need
Here in the Savior's arms.

Symphony of the heart

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,And Your right hand will lay hold of me." (Psalm 139:7-10)
Your faithfulness, God...
Your faithfulness has proven to be something I can hold on to.

Remembering times with You
and times I thought I was without You
I see that You are here to stay...
You will never leave me.

There were times where I was full of Your Spirit.
It felt as if I was with You,
with You and only You...
The room closed in around me
and, as I lay there, Your joy began to fill my heart.
I had nothing left,
no words,
no thoughts,
other than that of Your praises.

I was with You and it seemed like it was for an eternity,
An eternity of sheer delight,
Not a moment of it dull.

Then,
there were times where I felt that Your Spirit was absent,
my heart a complete void
where You could not possibly dwell...
Is this what the psalmist referred to when he pondered
making his bed in Sheol?

Nothing could be more painful than
life without You.

Further and further I pushed You away
as condemnation taunted and fear persuaded.
There was no way You would want to be with me,
no way you could love that girl that was full of self interest and
that was prone to mistakes...

Still You pressed through the barriers
You tore down the walls
Just to get to Your beloved.

I remember the day You called,
still fresh in my mind...
rows and rows of wooden pews
covered in purple velvet cushions,
I pressed my hands against the cushions and
set my church shoes on the carpet
as I began to rise,
not knowing quite what was in store.

A call
to come and know the Savior of the World,
to come and take the free gift You offered,
Your gentle arms beckoning.
The journey of a lifetime
I was about to embark on.
Little did I know that I would be here, now.

You called me to embark on a journey,
You called me from a place of death and
brought me into life,
A life full of freedom and joy.
Why do I tend to forget that you have paid it all for me?

Yet,
You continue to sing over me,
starting a new measure with each repeat
After each slip up
I pick up where I left off
You fill in with notes of grace
And a beautiful melody arises

I am starting to remember...
Remember that You are the composer.
You are the one with the vision
You are the one with the wisdom
You know me,
the instrument,
all too well.
So, with Your breath filling my lungs
I swell up with Your love
I pour out a tune
with a few quirks from the defects
and things that need to be tweaked.
You see no big obstacle,
Only a few tune ups.

This song,
It brings you great joy
As each new note hits Your ears.
And You take great delight in writing,
flooding empty pages with new notes,
A symphony of grand proportions,
a diverse convergence of flavors and styles from many places.
All the world is an orchestra,
A mash up of many many instruments
Each with their own piece
In this neverending story of love.

11

Dawn

Sometimes I feel like saying,
"You don't know what it's like!"

You don't know what it's like to feel trapped in a reality you can't seem to shake no matter how many times someone tells you the truth.

These thoughts return from afar. Dragging their feet like zombies... You fill with terror as they trudge into your sanity. Death is the only fruit that these sorts of thoughts can bring.

"Remember child,
This battle is not of flesh and blood,
Equipped with truth and all authority,
You fight from victory."

Just when will your kingdom come?
Lord, we long for your returning...
More than a glimpse of Your glorious train.

We need you, Jesus,
To come wipe the tears...
To restore all that has been broken.

Para mi amigo querido...

The battle is real.

Today I witnessed a part of it.

I watched as my friend teared up and looked down while I placed my hand on the door.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore..."

He had not said many words with that simple phrase, but the weight of them carried on the air in the room and I knew immediately the feeling... a jarring feeling of being lost and disconnected, almost like riding on the teacups at a carnival.

You're on a ride that you can't get off of until it stops and as you spin, the world keeps spinning onward. They've all got their pace and everything seems to fit into perfect place for them. You want to tell them that you're starting to feel sick and the initial joy has worn off, but if you shout then your screams will be lost in the wind and become incomprehensible.

That's the way that I felt when I was dealing with depression.

The most drastic case of this happened when I tried a new form of medication. I was walking back to my dorm and all of a sudden everything felt like a dream. I looked to the street to seek help, but the only people around were in cars and they were all staring at me with these deep piercing stares. I tried to break their gaze but every time I looked each passing car was full of onlookers. I stumbled with my groceries, step by step to the crosswalk. I reached into my pocket for my phone and managed to dial my friend at school. She asked with concern if I needed a ride, but I was almost there. I told her to stay on the phone with me a bit and I crossed the street, trying my best to ignore the staring passersby.

To feel disconnected,
To feel lost,
To feel like there is no hope...
To lose the feeling of being connected to your cherished God,
is the worst feeling on the planet.

To feel these things for yourself is terrible,
To watch a friend suffer through the same thing
kills you.

I never want to see anyone I love face the terrifying pain of depression or mental illness.
It is the hardest because everything seems fine at one moment,
then the next...
they are lost,
drowning in the perilous sea of deceitful thoughts.

To be strong,
In a time when you want to fall apart,
Is the hardest.
When you watch the tears form,
When you watch a smile fade to a frown,
It is the most difficult thing to hold it together;
To turn around and say,
"Let me pray for you."

Everything inside wants to fix whatever is wrong,
Too many questions arise...
"God, why?"
These questions turn to
"God, we need more faith. Lord, help us to believe."

Jesus did help those who cried out for faith, and all that is truly required is a mustard seed.
And I know that it was Jesus that took my mustard seed and caused it to grow in that moment.
It was then that I was able to find the strength to keep my voice from wavering as I prayed. It was also then that I was able to remember the things that Jesus had carried me through: the words that He spoke, the promises that He made and the truth that He reminded me of.

There is a beauty in friendship. There is an even deeper beauty in the fellowship of believers. While one is weak, the other is strong. While one is struggling, the other keeps joy. And all along, I can see the Father delight in the way that His given love is shared amongst his children.

My Declaration (Full of Independence)

So, lately I've been thinking.

I was thinking that maybe what I know is not truly what I know.
Something within me was not in full agreement with what I found to be true.
I knew that my God was good, I had seen and experienced it, I believed it; but could this good God love me with an unrelenting love... love me, an un-put-together, exuberant at times, overapologizing, broken, wordy, fault-full one who makes messes often?

The truth is, YES, He does.
He loves me.
And I know that full well, but... do I truly know this and believe it with all of my heart?
I found that I didn't think I could fully accept it. I just wasn't at that point.

Then I thought up a solution...
a declaration...
what if, for thirty days, about a month, I declared the truth once a day, every day over myself?
Declared, not just read or restated, not regurgitated, not mumbled nor read with habitual motion; but shouted out, read with great joy, spoken with gusto, spoken so my two ears could hear from an insecure set of lips the words that my mind needs to remember, delivered with a confidence and passion that wells within, given by the Holy Spirit with a strength that comes from above...

That is what I have set out to do.

I challenge myself and others to make a declaration full of independence... to break free from the lies declared by the enemy, to stop the recording played over and over throughout the day, to find joy in recognizing who we truly are in Christ Jesus... who He has created us to be, the person and people that He has seen all along in His precious children. Let's gain a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective on the world. Let us draw near and draw near to one another as we delight in His delighted.

Here is my declaration, derived from the truth I wrote to dispell lies I recognized I was starting to believe about myself:

First and foremost--
I am loved.

I am never alone. Nothing can EVER separate me from His mighty love.
He will never leave me. God has blessed me with amazing friends who have already seen me through a lot, should I ever need someone He will be there and, just as before, He can send people into my life who will help to carry the burden.

Jesus took it all for me. I need not worry about rejection or abandonment. He is the great high priest that experienced it all for me. Should the world reject me, count it all joy... it shall be for Christ's sake and for His glory.

I am accepted in the beloved.

I AM fearfully and wonderfully made.
There is no one like me and there never will be.
No one else can love God like I love Him.
I was made unique in His heart.
He takes great joy in the way that I uniquely worship Him.

I am a child of God. I was adopted into His family, now a part of His glorious kingdom.
I am part of a wonderful family of believers.
I AM LOVED.
I AM ACCEPTED.
I am His beloved princess in whom He takes great delight.
I am not too much!
I am just enough,
perfect in the way that He made me.
He created me with joy.
He took great care and delight throughout the process of creating me.
He thought of me long before I was born and He thinks of me constantly to this day.
I am loved.
I am Sarah King, a daughter of the King. My Abba is proud of me!
He loves me not for what I do, nor what I have done, but for who I am, not who I will become.
He loves me now, with a love that will not change.
There is not one thing that I can do to make Him love me more, nor is there one thing that I can do to make Him love me any less.
He loves me, because... He loves me.