Plans for good.

Another step out,
Another wave tossed under,
But again I rise.

He lifts me up.

Writing this from a place of deep sorrow and uncertainty, but certain that He is faithful and true.

I wanted, with all that was in me, to shove down every memory from my last episode...
every wonky thought that I had...
every hurtful word I said...
every hurtful thing I did...
People ask me, "You remembered that?!"

Yes, unfortunately.... I do.

If I let it... it could haunt me 'til I am driven to a point of permanent madness. But I choose to stand in freedom. I choose to look back and laugh at the moments I danced around in the parking lot and said crazy things.

The one thing that I wanted to push down the most was my hurt. The hurt caused by feeling abandoned by God. The whole episode, every episode I have ever had, has revolved around the feeling that the world was literally ending; each time just slightly different, but it was founded on silly things I would read into.

But, tonight, I feel God tugging on my heart to let go... to let him in... so that I can let go.

So, I invite you into this process. I hardly ever return to much of what I type and rearrange it. Only minor edits. I always want this blog to be a process that encourages you to venture out boldly and bravely on your own journey.

So, here goes.

I was mad, hurt and felt lost. Abandoned was the perfect word. I always had the fear that I would be abandoned, that I didn't belong, and that I would do something that would forever change my relationship with others. Rejection. Many of us can relate to that fear.

This last episode I waited. I did not face the end with much fear. I merely waited, tried to encourage others, threw attacks at what I thought was the enemy, and waited... waited for my Jesus to return. And for what I now know was one day, but felt like 3 years in terms of my troubled mind, I journeyed far by foot and I waited for His return. Later, I was taken to the hospital and was stripped once again, and administered shots. All of this, the hospital experience, is always the most terrifying.

Then, after the medication set in...
the restlessness began.

That was the absolute worst experience with restlessness.
I writhed on the hospital bed, flailing my arms and legs.
This time I didn't try to leave, though they did not restrain me. I begged the person monitoring me to get me help. I returned to the bed and continued to cry out to Jesus.

At some point, I began to fall asleep, still restless... and they gave me something to calm my body down.

I think what my soul cries most is...
"Why didn't you come?!"

I cling to anything that will bring hope and comfort.
Your truth.
Your love.
The love that You give me through my family and the people I encounter.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us..." -Romans 8:18
"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him." -1 Corinthians 2:9

And nothing separates me from His love.
The reason I hold on
is because I remember the times I heard His voice so clearly,
I recognize that the pain, confusion, and mess
contrast His goodness
and He uses it for my good.
He has plans that are
for good
And He is
always good.

We SHALL [overcome.]

About a week ago I found myself walking down a path,

littered with the best evergreen trees and dotted with blackberry plants.

It brought me home.

Back to the forested mountains of North Carolina, where occasionally there were sightings of black bears that ate from the blackberries there. 

Yet, as I walked these paths, the black top that sloped down to a canal...

I stopped to watch the most amazing thing...

Swallows.

These birds amazed me. 

All birds tend to amaze me with their joy and sheer delight in their song, but these ones were special. This time it wasn't a song that drew me in. It was the continuous flight.

And as I watched, I began to reflect on my journey. How I would dip low into the valleys, yet joy carried me on. God has given me such strength and joy to endure.

There were times I didn't know quite what was happening and I clung to hope.

Times when I was in and out of the hospital... oftentimes it's the invisible battles that prove the hardest.

(had my "emo" days)

But, celebrated my life and was gifted with my guitar by loving friends.

Spent time at rest by cool streams, and still waters.

And, after a first experience out of the country... seeing extreme poverty firsthand... 

I got to go to my father's country, Sierra Leone.

Graduated an amazing school of discipleship.

 And completed that with a 2-month outreach to Thailand.

Ended up in the place I had always dreamed of living... Sunny SoCal.

It was beyond my expectations! (the life I was living)

Celebrated birthdays...

Suffered loss...

Marched in victory alongside dear friends...

Went to another country I never dreamed of actually visiting... (England)

Travelled the country with my family and best friend...

Did the things that I enjoyed but, in some ways, feared... (playing soccer with people I barely knew at a new school and sharing songs I wrote in public)...

...made a documentary in Belize...

...met Kim Walker! ...

Now

I am fighting the stigma placed on addicts,

shedding light on issues of mental health,

spreading Christ's love and loving every moment of it.

Reflecting on my past

I see so much my Good, Good, Father has done

how He graciously rewards

and how I am nothing apart from 

His lovingkindness,

His goodness,

His love.

Hold on to your story.

Cling to your testimony.

And own it.

For that is how

We shall overcome.

Higher and higher (we climb.)

If I were to ask, most people would not say one of their top fears is being too joyful.

If I were to tell you that I had kept something in for years because I thought that no one would be able to relate to it... you wouldn't be surprised.

If I told you one of my biggest fears for years had been becoming too joyful,
you might be perplexed.

What possible rationale would lie behind that fear?

People across the globe would pay for joy if it came by the bottle.

Yet, for years I put the cap on the potential I held for myself. I chose to listen to the diagnosis and labels attached to that diagnosis. I chose to view myself through a lens that did not define me.

You may or may not be able to relate to a limit placed on yourself through a diagnosis, but we all have them...
Limits. Restraints. Fears.

What's holding you back?

Who have you been listening to?

We have a choice. Everyday we make choices... choices to give up or fight... choices to stay silenced or sing... choices to complain and gossip or love...

Some of the most important choices we make, the choices that sway our whole being and ones that determine the other choices and outcomes, are the choices we make to listen to the truth or lies; to follow people who have our best interest in mind or to follow those who have knowledge but no heart to go with it. I wish life were as simple as it used to be in elementary school. You bring your enemy's favorite toy to school and share it and the world is a better place. Unfortunately, things grow complicated with time.

I used to be carefree. In high school I would go to those sleepovers where I would giggle all night with friends. I was a literal tree hugger at one point. I found it funny to hug trees in a park that had marks to be cut down. Those were times when I was learning. I was growing and being formed into a young woman that found late in her sophomore year that the world was quite a different place than she imagined.

All this goes to say, I used to be full of joy and no worries were attached to that joy.

Then, a fear developed over time. After experiencing some troubling times that earned a title, or diagnosis, I started to worry and wish that I never experienced joy again.

Don't get me wrong, I love life. I love my family and friends and of course I want to experience it to the fullest. I was simply afraid that I would get out of hand and not be able to control myself.

Years later... now... I have discovered that this fear was wrongly placed. Of course, the biggest extinguisher of strength, as I know it, would be to create a fear of the one thing that sustained me. It is quite true what the Bible claims: "... the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah).

If there is one thing that can sustain you throughout a fullblown tempest, it would be...
Joy.

Joy is different from happiness.
I am not referring to a high,
nor a fleeting feeling,
a giddiness,
nor a good time of laughter.

Joy is the rock that will stand the test of time.
It is the substance that kicks in when no one else can comprehend or hope for a positive outcome to a situation.
It is the fullness and abundance that defines life with Christ.

Of course it would be an object to be stolen.

I had a click moment last Sunday as my pastor spoke. She spoke on joy. She spoke about many things concerning joy, but the one thing that stood out was that the enemy did not want us joyful. It was the first time in my life that something like that clicked about my particular life and present situation. For so long I had been worrying and grobbling over what people would think of me.

Would they see me as a maniac?
Would they see me as too much?
Would I lose friends because I'm odd?
Would I do or say something that would cause me to forever lose a friend?
Would I ever get to the point where I would not be able to contain myself if I was happy?

So many times I would ask myself these questions. Then immediately I would respond.

I would rather be "crazy"... crazy passionate about the life I was living, than to hold it in and appear mediocre to the world.

My Jesus was not mediocre. In fact C.S. Lewis put it best:
"...He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to..."

Let's put it this way... Jesus did not come and live plainly. He did some things that were not expected and quite radical for any time.

When it comes down to it we have a choice, as long as we are breathing...
We can make the choice to live... 
Or we can make the choice to live extraordinarily.

You decide.

Hard. But beautiful.

Longsuffering.

When you say it like that... well, it doesn't sound so pretty.

But the truth is, the most beautiful things take time and come from harsh conditions.

Learning that patience, when learning to love, not only needs the utmost attention when you love people, but it comes in handy when loving yourself.

You have to be patient with yourself.
You have to realize we are all works in progress... in a process...

I like the term "journey". This journey is an adventure, with twists and turns, roadblocks, run-ins with the enemy, moments of glory and victory.

For so long I had beat myself up for the lack of progress I thought I had. So many times I thought I was stuck in a rut or a pit I couldn't get out of, yet as soon as I gained this perspective that maybe I was learning and growing I began to give myself time. Now, I am choosing to be gentle with myself. I'm going to sit back and watch the buds flower. I'm going to wait in excitement for the beauty that is to come. And when the old fades away... I am going to wait. Knowing the light from tomorrow will bring blossoms anew.

Why, it's even said grace grows best in winter. It was hard for me to grasp the full meaning before but I'm starting to see I can't learn these things in a splendid Utopia. I have to venture out, boldly and battle the giants that, in turn, will make me strong.

the tempest

I'm at it again.

The crashing of the waves carry me out to the point I feel I'm drowning.
I've lost track of the rise and fall.

It's all the same now.
The clouds are on the horizon and I can't find footing.
Forget footing... I'm far from solid ground.

Was I on a journey?
This place just doesn't appear like anything I imagined.

"...Lead me where my trust is without borders...
Let me walk upon the waters...
Wherever You may call me."

I prayed this many times, not thinking of the consequences that could follow. Consequences are not always negative. They can sit with you in a wrong way or you can choose to let them impact you for good.

Did what you asked Hosea seem logical, even during his time? Marry an adulterous woman and love her tremendously. In fact... I'm not sure Hosea even understood that when God first spoke to him, the extent God loves and how He wanted to love His people.

Then there was another aspect I found myself in awe over: the emotion of God.

Something happened today as I sat on the shores of the Pacific... I watched the tumultuous waves and I thought about God's power and might.

I used to think I was alone in experiencing extreme emotion....

My Creator is passionate.

And that passion is fueled by his love...
I choose to be fueled by His love.
His perfect love.

called by a new name

We live in a world provoked by fear...

I have heard it said that you either operate in faith or fear, one or the other. The presence of fear is not the greatest issue. However, it is what one decides in the presence of fear that determines the future.

Faith in others leaves one striving for acceptance and craving more understanding. Faith in self leaves one devastated, lost and empty. Faith in a dream leaves one hopeless when the dream is not achieved.

An encounter with the Almighty leaves one...
Forever changed.

Abram became Abraham... Father of the Nations.
Jacob became Israel... God's Servant.
Simon became Peter, after meeting Jesus, God in the flesh.
Saul became Paul after encountering the resurrected Lord.

But it was not merely a calling of a new name.
It was a mark, a proclamation by God... a rebirth,  a restart.

What would you do with a new chance? ...one new start at the life you were sure you left in disrepair?

Faith.

That's all it takes.
One step,
A plunge with the fear at your back...
One step and the past is behind you.

You see, the fear, it was just the push to take you there... to that point of surrender and realization that you could not do it on your own.

Don't worry, you weren't the first to think that you could do it on your own. And you certainly weren't the first to fail or make mistakes.

But you can be the first at a lot of things.

Pioneers march forward in the face of insurmountable fear. They don't pioneer for their own sake either... it's always to lead others.

So, go ahead...
Don't be afraid.
Chase those dreams,
But never forget the One who authored them.
And, certainly, don't ever forget to constantly turn to Him for counsel.

Exposure

|Exposure|
Can be a scary thing...
whether it's a wound or the hidden mess of a room.

Darkness seems daunting, but the minute a small light comes in contact with it, it doesn't seem as much of a match.

I'm learning.
Learning things the hard way.
Maybe the hard way is the only way it will sink in and create lasting impact.

"And darkness is fading in, and darkness is real "

Sometimes darkness seems so real.

Yet I know that it creeps around with an intimidating stare, waiting for an opportune moment to barge in. 

I have found that exposing lies is hard but so worth it. Whether the lie is something small or something rooted in past hurts and regrets, the result is the same if you choose to give it power. 

Some of my favorite movies have been superhero movies for the reason that they hold timeless truths. When I think of lies and how the enemy tries to intimidate I think of the Wolverine film. I think of how the bad guy spent his life trying to gather the equipment and resources to recreate something like Wolverine in order to defeat him and hold the power. I am reminded of how the enemy tries to manipulate in order to defeat creation. Then, in the movie, the last battle reveals the real enemy... shriveled and still striving for power, stripped down to reveal an ugly reality: self-seeking will end in misery. And all along he wore a large metal suit that made him seem truly omnipotent and indestructible... 

I know my God has the victory. I simply need to take time to remind myself of the truth and to take minutes from His perspective to see that it is all going to be alright.