The Lord is my strength.

Once again, what must have been the third time in a week, I was feeling emotionally flat.

"What's wrong with me? Why can't I be fun when everyone else is joking around?"
"Why can't I get past this?" "Why don't I feel myself?"
I struggled to join in on conversations and felt weird when I finally did. Things didn't seem to come out right. I just want to go home and sleep, forget it all, and wake up to a new day.

It's never easy when I feel this way and usually I don't catch and recognize it this easily. I thank God for the awareness He gives me about my feelings and emotional being.

I thank Him even more for the courage He gives me to step out and ask for help. It takes a lot of boldness and wisdom from the experiences God has given me. He has taught me to be open. I cannot think about His goodness in the way that He answers my prayers and cries for help when I call out to Him or ask friends to intercede on my behalf. He is and always has been faithful. I know that I need my God. He is my comforter, my strength, my all in all.

A psalm of desperation

Lord, I feel so weak. I’m stumbling over words, I keep making mistakes, I feel I can’t stop crying. I tried to be open, to be transparent with humility and I feel like I am being crushed. I don’t feel like any one understands. And it’s true. No one understands me like you do.

I just want to be completely healed. I want to experience this life I’m living to the fullest. God, I don’t understand why I have to go through this. I went through a lot already and I just want this part to end.

I want to be able to be full of you, to the brim. I want to be able to function at normal speed, to be able to think without feeling like my thoughts are jumbled or backed up in my head. I want to be able to be full of excitement and no hesitations... with nothing holding me back, not lethargy, not fear, not side effects. 

I see that You have brought me far. And, my God, You have never failed. It was always at the time and the moment that I could not see Your hands holding me. But now I see, You were there with me. 

You welcomed me with open arms when I was full of fear and had been running for days. 

You gave me wisdom when my enemies tried to mislead me and destroy my heart.

You comforted me in times of doubting and in feelings of rejection.

You sent friends my way that could cheer me up and tell me that they were in it with me until the end.

You gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning. I prayed that the doors of my past would shut; and, as long as I held Your hand, we walked through open doors.

Now I feel as though I'm turning to the closed doors again... returning to sit in the prison that I was freed from.

Yet, I remember Your words and I hear You calling me to freedom. 

"The door stands open. I see you dancing. Take my hand, I'll lead you through."

God, I want to dance with you!

Lead me to your streams overflowing, cool and refreshing and the green pastures where I may feed and rest in Your presence. 

Oh, how I need You, Lord.

Not going back

Today I heard a word on not letting the past define you.
So many times I have made excuses...
"I was diagnosed..." "I haven't done that in years..." "When I was in the hospital..."
or even, "my medicine makes me..." (not necessarily about the past, but still something I let define me that really does not)

The easy thing to do is to always make an excuse for why you can't do something.
Though it may be harder, I have found it much more rewarding to push past the "I can'ts" and the "I've nevers". It is the boldness and perseverance that the Lord has been cultivating in me that has brought me this far.

Trust me. It is not easy at all.

There are so many times I have wanted to give up and just be lazy. There were times that I thought all of the effort I had put in amounted to nothing.

Another thing that I had been working on had been openness. I learned that bringing things to light can be painful and terrifying, but healing. In this pushing forward and "pressing on toward the finish line", I have learned much the same. It has been painful and terrifying, but healing and, like I said, rewarding. The reward of knowing that I glorified the Father in what I did is worth much more than anything else.

I find it hurts much more to look back and realize that I had held back on what I could've done. In fact, part of what plagued me when I was hospitalized was a flood of memories of times that I could've done more. The accuser attacked me with so much, saying I had done wrong. The beauty of God's grace, now I'm finding in His love, is that He gives us many "second chances". I am ever grateful for His love and that He, our Father, is the judge; that He sent His Son to take our place. Beautiful.

What was beautiful about today was the singing congregation. And the songs that we sung were amazing. So profound.

Again, I think... what if we actually took the power in the words of the songs that we sang to God and put them to action.
I guess that is why we sing those words. It reminds us of who we are, who our God is and the truth found in His Word.

Today we sang about how God is more than able...
that is why we are able to be more than conquerors, I thought to myself.
He enables us to do so much more than we could have ever imagined we'd do.

It is so easy to live in the past and make excuses, but I don't want to take that route. I want to live in the unexpected, uncharted waters; wherever He leads me. I trust that He has a path for me that is better than I would've planned for myself.

I know that it will be difficult at times, but I want to trust in Him with all that I have.

Hope.

The other day I was reminded of my last hospital visit.

Instead of disappointment or sad memories, I was filled with hope.

"I think you're okay now," my friend said with such innocence.

I smiled.

I knew that God would deliver me from it all someday, but that someday is feeling more and more like any day now compared to the distant future that I had once hoped in.

To see how far God has brought me has been tremendous.

I still think about my pastor telling me, "when that day comes, you'll know."

Oh, the joy that will fill my heart with that certainty!

Don't get me wrong. There is still that lingering fear that something will suddenly happen again. Then I will feel as if all progress was lost. But what I have learned is that all is not lost. Indeed, it will most likely knock me off of my feet, yet when you're knocked down all you must do is get back up again.

I've learned that everything that has happened has made me stronger... wiser... and more appreciative of life and full of joy. Looking back, now, I see that I can handle things that I could not before. Though I still may not be as fast at completing tasks as other people, or do them the same way as other people I do not get discouraged, as I used to. Now, I observe. I learn from mistakes and learn more about myself. Most of the time I learn that the way I am looking at things is skewed and that I actually can do tasks efficiently if I don't overthink it and let discouragement get to me.

I used to think, "what did I do? I must deserve this." Then I am reminded of the man born blind in the gospel of John. And I remember Jesus' heart. I know my Jesus, and my God, and I know that he does not place sickness on people as punishment; but went around healing and speaking to broken hearts. Everyone in that day, and the disciples were expecting there to be some reason, some thing that the blind man did to deserve this. I don't claim to know everything about suffering, sickness and how it all works. What I do know is that we are all undeserving and that our great God chooses to show us grace. This has all come through a lot of time spent struggling and waiting upon the Lord. I know that I must continue to renew my mind and press in to Him.

He is the source of my strength. He says," My grace is sufficient."
So I hold on. No matter what happens, I trust in Him.

I know what the world will try to tell me, and even some believers... but I hold on to hope and keep faith that my God will bring me total healing.

Your Grace

You gave Your life for me
You came down
You poured out
Everything.

It's by Your grace
by Your grace, I live
by Your grace, I live in abundance of freedom and joy.

It's by Your love
by Your love, I am compelled
by Your love, I move and live and breathe.

It's by Your mercy
by Your mercy, I am set free
by Your mercy, I am redeemed.

Your power lives in me
Your love it covers me
Your glory is all I see

Let Your eyes be my mirror

After a few days of chaotic frustration I have come to a place of peace.

Yet, I realized... I must have felt the confusion that many feel and have felt before. And my heart broke for those who can't get past the frustration of feeling that the God of the universe is too distant and out of reach.

I wrote in a journal:
"You say, 'Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.' Well I've tried so many times to draw near..."

"Where are You?!" my heart cried.

I knew from experience that I had a faithful God, so I kept talking and waiting. He was right there all along. I cannot explain how He blessed me today and reminded me that He was there in His inexplicable way.

I know now to hold on. Hold on despite feelings and circumstances. Hold on when all seems lost. I know and remember that I am outrageously loved, that a God not only loves me but liked me enough to take an immense amount of pain, every sin and the weight of it all on the cross for me. He takes delight in me and wants me to see myself in the light that He sees me.

That is going to be hard, to see myself through His eyes. It is going to take renewal of the mind and strength that only He can give. It is going to take pressing in with an utter honesty. It is going to take humility. But His love, knowing Him... trusting Him is worth it.

Jesus, You see me.

For a while now I had chosen to believe that maybe I should just give up on my healing, that I should suck it up and persevere. I believed that sickness was a lesson so I should simply endure it.

Then, tonight as I was listening the Lord reminded me of the core issue in my heart. There was something he addressed when he told me that I was "perfectly done". Like the paralyzed man that was delivered to Jesus with a sense of urgency, I had a deeper issue than physical illness.

So I went back to my blog post about being fearfully and wonderfully made... I was blown away at what God spoke this time. I listened to the song I attached to the post, "When love sees you" by Mac Powell.

Do you remember the stories of the sick, the outcasts?

What did Jesus always do when they barreled their way through to reach him?
Did He correct them... Or did He commend them for their great faith?

I know now that I can trust my Father and His timing and ability in healing me, from the inside out. He knows what he is doing and He alone is capable of bringing complete restoration.

As I reflect on being fearfully and wonderfully made, I remember that it is not that I am perfect by anyone else's standards; but, just as a father at Vanguard said of his newborn daughter, God looked at me and with the first glance had a deep and unconditional love that nothing or no one could ever change. When He sees me, He sees beauty. When He sees me, He sees all that I can be and so pushes me to that capacity.