Exposure

|Exposure|
Can be a scary thing...
whether it's a wound or the hidden mess of a room.

Darkness seems daunting, but the minute a small light comes in contact with it, it doesn't seem as much of a match.

I'm learning.
Learning things the hard way.
Maybe the hard way is the only way it will sink in and create lasting impact.

"And darkness is fading in, and darkness is real "

Sometimes darkness seems so real.

Yet I know that it creeps around with an intimidating stare, waiting for an opportune moment to barge in. 

I have found that exposing lies is hard but so worth it. Whether the lie is something small or something rooted in past hurts and regrets, the result is the same if you choose to give it power. 

Some of my favorite movies have been superhero movies for the reason that they hold timeless truths. When I think of lies and how the enemy tries to intimidate I think of the Wolverine film. I think of how the bad guy spent his life trying to gather the equipment and resources to recreate something like Wolverine in order to defeat him and hold the power. I am reminded of how the enemy tries to manipulate in order to defeat creation. Then, in the movie, the last battle reveals the real enemy... shriveled and still striving for power, stripped down to reveal an ugly reality: self-seeking will end in misery. And all along he wore a large metal suit that made him seem truly omnipotent and indestructible... 

I know my God has the victory. I simply need to take time to remind myself of the truth and to take minutes from His perspective to see that it is all going to be alright.

Alice, at last.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?"
(Psalm 42:5)

That's a question I have found myself asking recently.

Depression and anxiety are no modern constructs. It seems that with the growing intensity of stress from sources, more and more people are experiencing it.

Yet, there still remains a growing amount of curiosity and a lingering stigma attached to issues with mental health. I have found myself boggled when it comes to describing bipolar disorder and psychosis to others who have not experienced it. And, as much as I would like to be able to help shed light on the illness, it seems the difficulty involved in vocalizing these experiences is very real.

Recently I saw a blog post from one of my favorite non-profits, To Write Love on Her Arms. I was encouraged by the way that a girl diagnosed with bipolar disorder was able to be so positive despite her trials.

I found myself becoming more and more empowered in the past, but that sense of empowerment had started to fade after I made a poor decision with medication.

"What is mania?"
A friend asked after I told her that I had just experienced it.

I gave a textbook answer. I had regurgitated these terms before.

The answer sounded like a definition you would find on Wikipedia, but in it was hidden bits of frustration.

"The opposite of depression with bipolar people. It's no fun. Well it seems fun. It gives you a euphoric feeling and you feel super bold and confident but it can go into psychosis"

I was tired of not being able to distinguish reality at times. Though I had become better at figuring out when something was happening, the last few times I had become manic they seemed like a normal thing to me. The last full episode of psychosis is what threw me into depression.

The delusional thoughts seemed to terrorize me and haunt me long after I had recovered. I would have a day or two of peace and then I would be in that drab reality. The techniques from the therapist only went so far, but I was learning to cope.

What has helped the most is realizing that I am who I am and not my emotions. The emotions may color how I view my world and, at times, they may color my world quite vibrantly; but my emotions do not dictate who I am, nor do they rule me.

My favorite line from a story that stems from a girl struggling through mental issues herself is
"Alice, at last."
Well, I actually haven't read the book, but in the film that moment is pivotal and very meaningful to me. It is the point when Alice, after defeating the beast, finally displays the courage and confidence she had been holding on to all along. It took the caterpillar calling out this growth in Alice for her to realize that she was more than who she thought she was.

I am dreaming of the day when I, too, will discover the fullness of my potential. God has been slowly blowing away the dust and decay and restoring me as I ought to be. The me that's going to take on the world in the future is the me that has been there all along, just a little rusty and beat up from the wear and tear of life. Though I may be a "work in progress", I am ready to be the advocate that he has called me to be; starting with this post.

I hope that this post finds you at a place in life where you need it most... whether you be someone hurting and confused from a diagnosis that you have received, or whether you be someone that is interested in helping others through their journey...
Whoever you are,
You matter.
Your story matters, your dreams matter, and you will make an impact on this planet that nobody else can.

Flight

I always find myself writing at happier times. It is hard to write when things can't be figured out or put together.

Sometimes, even in the good times, I wish I could find the words to put to emotions and experiences. It is always comforting when someone can help put to words the things you have felt. I found myself relating to David when he described his anguish because of the "voice of the enemy" and oppression.
He longed to fly away as if he had "the wings of the dove".

I found myself so many times recently longing to simply escape the troubles of life. The burdens seemed too much to bear. I knew I had to turn and face my fears, but for some reason I could no longer see the victory. My vision was blurred. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed as though I couldn't get up. Literally. I couldn't find the strength to leave my room at points. The enemy was having a great time poking and prodding me. I imagine the little chain tied to my ankle, like a baby elephant. There is no way the chain could hold down that magnificent creature, but... as long as he believes it, the chain will hold him down.

I needed just one breath, one break, one step away to see that I have a marvelous destiny. Holding on that long was worth it. The place I was in I hope not to return. So I will at any cost do my best to prepare for those moments.

I realized like a person training for a marathon or even just to stay in shape, will work on muscles, building them up, yet, with consistency. As soon as that consistency is lost, there is no telling what could happen. Usually, all of the work before that point is lost. And, gaining muscle takes pain and persistence. I have learned by watching my mom work hard towards her goals. Just as this physical fitness takes effort, persistence and consistency, so does a spiritual fitness.

I shall press on, bold and strong.

You gave me life.

"You gave me life..."

So many clichés can be easily thrown around in Christianity or just in general in trying to grasp and make an understanding of this life on Earth and life in Christ. What does it really mean though to live a full life? What does His sacrifice and free gift look like and mean to us?

For a while I went about living in bliss and naievity, not knowing much about a life apart from Christ. I was young and had the blessing of living in a decent environment. I would do my chores and happily trot off to take my earnings for a slice of pizza down the street. I got to play sports and had a shot at learning different instruments... simple opportunities that are often taken for granted. I didn't grow up completely sheltered. I had my share of trials and difficulties. I soon learned that not everyone loved God to the extent I would've thought... some didn't even believe that this God who had called me and laid a burden of love on my heart at an early age even existed.

I regularly got questions about why I didn't do certain things or why I was so at peace and calm in certain situations. I began to wonder what was wrong with me. If this wasn't necessarily how most people were what was the difference. I mean I knew that there was a world that needed to know Christ, but even in simplicity and the mundane there is a depth that goes unseen.

Once a friend of mine called me his "holy friend". I had considered my life as a lifestyle of purity, set apart (or holy/wholly) for God, but was that what life was all about. Was that it? I knew what he most likely referred to: a life without doing sinful things or things that people considered bad.

Of course, I knew there was more to life than a checklist and keeping from doing wrong. What I had not yet considered was exactly what this life I was living was truly about. I had never considered it to this extent. With every new experience and day that goes by, though, we grow a little bit more. We grow in knowledge and understanding. We grow stronger, whether we feel we have or not. We learn how to navigate this life on Earth. We learn how to deal with or love the people around us, depending on whether or not you consider yourself just living to get by or living a life of purpose.

It is so easy to live as though you want to just get by, to toss away vision and live just to survive. I've been guilty of that many times. It is truly hard to experience the trials that we face without some point of wanting to give up. We all come face-to-face with fear. We all face nervousness, anxiety, and confusion. It is what we choose to do, how we choose to react at that point that changes everything. It could even be that you decide to entertain the thoughts that come along with fear for a bit. At some point you have to fight back, or you will be easily overtaken. When it fear returns, and inevitably it shall, the cycle will continue.

But I found something in recent boughts of wanting to give up...

Life is more than getting by.
Life is more than a checklist or reaching checkpoints.

It may throw you off what I am going to say next...

Life is about...

Enjoying it.

Don't get me wrong, there are so many more aspects to life and the meaning of it. Like I said, there is a depth that often cannot be fully explained with mere words.

Yet, I found these last few weeks that one difference that Jesus has made in my life is giving me a sense of enjoyment that goes beyond normal fulfillment of desires. He meets every deep need, more so than the immediate needs. And he even chooses to meet immediate needs so that we are taken care of and that we "shall not want" (Psalm 23). It may not be that you have everything you think you need in the walk as a Christian but you learn to "be content in every situation and circumstance" (Philippians 4).

As I described at the start of these thoughts, we learn to grow, whether it is with God or apart from God. He teaches us like a parent with a child and as we prove that we can take more responsibility, He gives it more freely. And as I described enjoying life, He slowly reveals more to us about the beauty of life, in moments that are not always profound: the beauty of dew upon a fallen leave on a misty morning, the twinkle of a toddlers eyes and the crinkling of his face as he laughs, or even the sound of a hummingbird trilling through the trees.

Life is full of these moments. I hope that you begin to find them more and more. And I pray that you begin to dream beyond your wildest imagination.

From commonplace to mad one.

Today, I awoke with joy in my heart. It was late in the day, when I would usually wake up frustrated with myself because I had wasted all chances of productivity. Not today. Today, I was simply happy to be alive. The storm had passed and I was ready to move on. It was time to rebuild; not to add on or reconstruct what was previously standing. This was the day for something new, something that would withstand the coming storms.

Now that my mind is free and all is well, I must brace myself. I must not become complacent. That is the one thing that bugs me about the periods of calm: the gaps where desperation and persistence in prayer are missing. If I could only find the middle ground. If only I could live on fire, a fire that burns until the end. That is my desire… to be a mad one.

There have been many mad ones; the ones who aren’t afraid to speak up, the ones who love without limits, the ones who give until they have nothing left to give, the ones who believe in the generations after them, more than they believe for their own generation. These are the ones that we marvel at their stories for years to come. Yet, some go unheard of by many. Regardless, this perpetuation undoubtedly was not easy to achieve.

I look back on the most difficult times of my life and how, without knowing, I was prepared for those moments. I was taught to be thankful, to connect with others, to be vulnerable and open and to grow in trust. It took some great amount of time to have the kind of transparency that I admire in King David of the Bible, and still I don’t come close. I began to see, as I made mistakes and shared my hurts, that as I shared with others I closed a gap that the enemy had tried to create. I saw that this honesty allowed it to become easier when it came time to share again. I also saw that as I grew closer to my friends and family, I wanted their support during these hard times. Soon, I found that they, too, had hurts and concerns they could relate to with me.

The kind of trust I referred to before is not only a trust in God, it is a trust in myself as well and how God can work in and through me, if I let Him. I discovered that there was a power in the value you place on your own self. This realization came one day when I shared with a friend in a painful transparency. He looked at me across that cold, hard table in the library and I squirmed in my uncomfortable chair worried that someone might overhear part of my life story. Yet, when my friend said these words, I no longer focused on the commotion about me.

“You need to value yourself more. You need to value the things that you say.”

It was then that I realized I had not placed any value on my own words. I had downplayed the things that I said and I had come to believe that, therefore, I had no value. I had begun to think of myself as an annoying gnat and as someone who could not be taken seriously. Of course, these were all lies, but I chose to believe them. At some point, while I was down, I heard a taunt and I started to believe words from enemy lines.

“You’re not a leader! Look at all those flaws! Some day someone is going to see one of those and you’ll be disqualified.”

“You think you are strong! You are always crying. People see you as the weak and emotional one. You are all over the place.”

“You’ll never get to where you wanted to be. Look at how many times you have messed up. You might as well give up.”

Then God started shedding light on the truth.

If I am so small, why would the enemy be trying so hard to quench my fire? If I truly am powerless, why would the enemy have to send so many of his forces to try to destroy me?

And as I started to see myself more as my Father in heaven sees me, I started to step out with more boldness and confidence. Singing no longer became a fear, but a joy. That was another concept that struck me. Singing is something beautiful and one thing that uses the life-giving breath we receive from our Father to pour out praise to Him in return. That would be another thing that the enemy would want to prevent. I heard it said, “Why do you think so many people are afraid to sing in front of others?” The truth is, not only do words have power, but, even more so… praise blows away barriers.

Yesterday, I was lost in a sea of confusion and pain. I chose to cling to the complaints that made me entitled.

Today, joy came with the morning. From a fresh perspective I arose. I had fallen down, but I chose to get back up.

It may be hard, but I refuse to live comfortably, ignoring the difficulties that could help me learn how to be stronger and more refined. Today, I choose to stand tall. I will burn, burn, burn. I will go out like a fireworks display, burning bright, burning strong… shining beautifully. I will forever be a mad one.

Stronger

Looking back,

I see a lot more now than I did before.

I thought that I was stumbling through a mess at times.

Though I would like to say that I put my complete trust in God at all times,

I can't say that I did.

But it's okay... He had me.

He has always had me.

Life, life with God, and God Himself

are all a mystery to me.

I do know one thing though...

Looking back and looking at other stories

I start to see that He knows exactly what He is doing.

He knows me all too well.

He knows and perceives my thoughts from afar,

which must mean that it's like when a friend knows exactly what I'm about to say.

And He still trusts me.

I said all of this to say that I think that the things that I just previously wrote about... 

the events that feel like chaos to me...

He's got it all under control.

You may look at all of the circumstances I described and still be unsure about the declaration I just made, but if you have experienced His love and sovereignty in this way you would be able to agree.

I love how Plumb wrote about it in a song. She described a parent holding his newborn in his arms. There must be a time to grow up, but watching from afar the Father ensures His child's safety and knows that the things that the child experiences will make them stronger and wiser.

Had I not experienced what I did, 

Had I not come face to face with my fears 

... and come out victorious time and time again...

I would not be as strong as I am today.

Move in me.

It's taken me a while to get back to writing...
Some of that due to life circumstances and some of it I am starting to think is a fear of sitting with my thoughts.

I have been yearning to write this or something like this for a while now, though. I have known that there is missing dialogue within the church and even regular community about mental health and how to "deal with" those struggling through mental illness.  We may talk about it like it is some nebulous thing that no one ever has to go through but the truth is, there are so many struggling with either anxiety, depression, or some aspect of mental illness.

I have found through the years that many people have good intentions in the advice that they give, yet, at times, the advice can be harmful. I have seen and heard all kinds of advice. I have received advice that dampers my hope of ever being "normal" and I have received advice that leads me to making unwise decisions with medication. Ultimately, though, it has always been my choice and my responsibility to take everything before God in careful consideration.

While I understand this aspect of taking things into prayerful consideration, I also understand that there will be those, young and learning, that will not instantly do the same. I have not always been that way either and, of course, I am still learning and gaining experience. In a way, learning these things through my own experience has been extremely useful and impactful, but as always we have hopes after going through a painful experience that others can learn without having to go through the same amount of pain. I tend to talk about all of these things with ease now, but please do hear me when I say that these experiences have been frightening and filled with anguish. I feel blessed to be able to voice these things now, in hopes that someone will gain encouragement from the things that I write.

Writing has been a process and I guess that is what I enjoy about it. I don't quite know what I will unearth or discover but it seems to bring about healing (so this is my precursor to tell you to get ready to join this process).

I know that there is not necessarily one person that has it all right. For this reason, I am going to pull from the wise words and perspectives I have picked up on over time to share with you what I feel useful on the journey with mental illness and the healing found in Christ Jesus.

One of the first things that I want to share may seem simple, but it is that this journey is indeed that: a journey and a process. I am not negating the fact that God can heal miraculously and in an instant, but I have seen in my life that there is a process, especially when it comes to things that deal with the mind. There may be thoughts that were placed there and I refuse to claim ownership of them, but I do need to take control of the thoughts that are mine. Without getting into too much theology and what I think about the cause of mental illness (which I don't claim to have all figured out), I do believe that the enemy of our souls will try his best to invade and lay claim to whatever ground he can take... and the mind is a battlefield. I have told my mother before that sometimes I think that there is no amount of physical pain that can compare with the battle that waged in my mind. It is one that is turbulent and has the capability of ending your grace-given life on earth.

The reason I believe in healing is not merely because of things I have heard, or even the stories I have read in the Bible. While these stories do fill me with faith and hope, there is nothing like living and experiencing healing on your own.

When I was first diagnosed, I had anxiety and panic attacks that seemed to come from nowhere. I had a few small anxiety attacks and two panic attacks but refused to let that be my norm and continued to pray through them.

The story that I cling to though was when I was in the psychiatric ward for the first time. I do believe that there is a spirit of fear as the Bible mentions. I had run up against it a few times and called it out once and watched it leave. Without fully realizing that is what I was up against at the young age of 16, I realized that I had been running in fear without coming to God for help. So, I got down on my knees in the white-washed room that I had once been afraid to be alone in and I began to pray. One cry out, an audible prayer and upon the name of Jesus everything else faded away.

It doesn't end there though.

You may think that it got easier after that. But life isn't something that we can fit into a neatly packed and decorated box. In fact, I'm not sure that we know what kind of box it fits into. One moment we think we have it figured out, then the next something else is thrown at us.

I do know that when I began to change my perspective more and more on how God saw me and on His character, I saw the greatest amount of growth. One time I prayed with a leader. I wanted to know whether or not I should continue medicine as I made a transition into a new part of life. I was shocked at God's immediate response...

"I made you perfect inside and out."

Perfectly done. I held onto it. He spoke to my heart that day. And I felt a bit like the woman at the well. Jesus saw past my complaining and my hurt. He knew that I needed to know that no matter what decisions I made, no matter what I was going through, nothing could negate that he made me perfectly for a purpose that I did not yet understand. I was a perfect fit for what this world needed at this moment and I didn't need to go trying to fret and worry over who I needed to become.

Then, I made my way to Fearless LA.

It seemed that there was a whirlwind amount of things swirling around me. I had gone through a large amount of hurt that had nothing to do with my diagnosis, but it was weighing on me and I was surprised that it had not caused a breakdown. I originally came off of my medication around this time because I heard from the Lord. While I wasn't clear on whether or not I was supposed to end my medication at this time, there was a good outcome. I had been on a medication that I did not realize was the thing causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts.

For the first time in a while I was able to be bold and full of joy. I went for a while living fine but then spent two nights without sleep and ended up having irrational thoughts in another episode.

I was so upset at myself, thinking that I had moved backwards. I thought that I had heard God encourage me to trust Him completely. But had I thought about what that means.

Does trust mean you have to throw off everything that aids you that you might rely on God?
Or is it a matter of choosing to follow a Father that knows what is best and can see everything, whether or not you fully understand everything that is going on?

I listened as over time, God revealed many things to me through sermons and things friends would say. Did you know that Moses struggled with something all of his life, something that he thought hindered him from being used effectively?

God tried many times to tell Moses not to worry but to rely on him. In our weakness, He is made strong. Yet, I just wanted all of this to be over. I thought that I would no longer be able to take it. But, God knows. He knows exactly what we can take. As I read Ezekiel for the first time I saw that God trusted him with some things that He knew only that prophet would be able to stand. Then I started to believe that God knows exactly what He is doing. And like a "green banana" that my pastor preached about this week, I started to think... maybe the things that I had been trying to push, and even heard God on, were things that I needed to hold on to hope for, knowing that they are approaching but that the time is not yet right, or ripe.

I think that so many times I had tried, and even with full faith that God had healed me, to push something that had not yet arrived. I have come so far from the place that I was years ago, but I do not think that God cannot use me with a diagnosis of mental illness. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite... I believe that he can use me more through my experience and despite illness. He moves in power and might and teaches through elements that seem unusable. I have full trust that my God will move in me.