Falling further

I started off my day by being upset... actually pretty angry...
I found myself harboring anger,
this time, not directed too much at man...
but at the enemy.

Regardless,
It is anger.

Ain't it funny how you feel as though you're slipping away, or
falling further
from God
in some sense...
like everything is against you and you should be totally upset with Him...
but then you realize,
everything that the enemy has tried to throw at you,
has led you back to
Your perfect Father in heaven.

And no matter what anyone says or does...
it seems to no longer affect you...
cause you're stronger.

Then I realize...
maybe that's why I went through all of this.
Just to be closer to You.
Jesus.

Cinema Verité Life

For you filmmakers out there, this blog title may ring a bell and stir up images of an unblemished, untampered with life that is examined through a lens. For the rest, maybe the avenue and medium of music will draw up clearer images. I know that today it did for me:

"When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

And I know this disconnected feeling. Whether it be with mental illness... or as a friend of mine shared about his experience as a veteran and the surreal life he lived whenever he returned home. Whatever it be, there is this feeling that cannot be easily described. And, at least to me, it was never welcomed or enjoyable.

I would yearn for the moments where connections were made and the day felt as if the moments that occured were worth living and being lived in the moment.

How do I delve deeper into the metaphors?
To long to take the pain, as long as it was something real, rather than just "living"... that was a battle.
But it was the life blurring by and swirling around in the guise of a movie that got me the most.

I was under some sort of fog. A plague of darkness that I hadn't told to leave and to put it in its place. There were compartments of "hurt and confusion" "guilt and shame" and "critical vs. self-critical" areas. During the process of breaking free these past couple of years, God has shown me that I "[can't] let this hurt and confusion take the place of my God." Meaning, the things that take up my time and the things that dominate the thinking in my mind are going to come from God, not my emotions.

But, God...
"Picked me up,
Turned me around...
And He placed my feet on the solid ground."

My mourning to joy... My guilt and shame to boldness and weightlessness... My anxiousness, to peace and feelings of abandonment to pure confidence in acceptance through the Body of Christ.

There is love.
There is rescue.
There is hope.

And, boy, if you haven't seen it yet, it's going to be GLORIOUS.

the rest of me

Too many times I have seen people give up on one another.
When the going gets tough...
The tough gets going.

We, oftentimes, choose to run away from problems and confrontation that is necessary for growth. And too many times we choose to place our full reliance upon the people around us, the substance of the love that we feel from God and not the source... our Heavenly Father.

I refuse.

I refuse to go on that way.

I've learned an important lesson. I can't place my hopes in the hands of man. I can't entrust my all... my desires, my dreams, my thoughts and wishes to the feeble and broken creation. It is the Creator, who knows me full well that deserves the keys to my deepest dreams and visions, along with the rest of me.

It pains me to see people get upset when other people fail them... and, yes, I have been there myself... But watching from the outside is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. The shock covers you as you, knowing the outcome, brace yourself for the impending and inevitable impact.

Will we ever make a shift from a race that makes complaints about their neighbor and how that person can benefit them, to a people that turns to their God with boldness and full confidence that they can come into His presence and find true rest an acceptance?

"The Lord is for me, I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

Fearless.

"One day I'll stand before You, look back on the life I've lived... I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit."

It's always crazy when you do stop and look back...

I'm seeing more and more of God's faithfulness as I take the time to review past experience.

What seemed like it was utter chaos turned out to be wonderfully reordered to work for my good.

So, I take a moment to pause now. 

And here  in this moment there is peace.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should there be this peace, 

A resting under the shelter of my Father's wing?

When everything tells me that I should be grobbling on the floor because the outcome seems hopeless.

But there is hope.

There is always hope.

The best kind of hope trickles down from a well-polished patience,

A perseverance that truly is "longsuffering". 

For when you feel like everything is falling apart...

It may just be 

Falling together.

I know that it is well.

"My eyes are opened,
I know that it is well."

After nights of anxiously sifting through concerns in my head,

Days spent hoping that the next had more promise

I finally found

that You were there

to carry me

to walk beside me

to go before me

and guide me.

I've started to change the way that I pray. I meditate on Your promises and remember that You say You "work all things together for the good of those who love [You]". If You are working things together for the good, as I hold on through the storm, the one thing that I truly need and the better thing to pray than "Lord, please heal me..." may just consist of something like this: "God, help me to trust You more." 

You have already promised that You would be there with me, 

that You would carry my burden.

You said that You came to heal and restore,

to redeem,

to heal by the stripes that were torn on Your innocent back.

I don't have to worry,

I don't need to fear.

In fact,

You tell me not to fear.

You ARE with me.

You are not only with me,

You comfort me.

You draw near during my time of need.

You sustain me.

You fill me til' I am overflowing

and joy radiates from my smile,

a light that can not be extinguished,

a love whose flame could not be overpowered 

by a thousand waters.

If I went to the lowest part of this Earth,

even to hell below...

If I climbed the highest mountain,

soared beyond the heights...

You would still be there.

If I told myself that I was the biggest failure,

vowed to take the life that You created and so lovingly fashioned...

If I had nothing but joy,

and nothing could possibly bring me down...

You would be there,

sharing in my suffering in times of sorrow,

singing and dancing over me all along.

I have sat and pondered at the wonders of Your grace,

still unfathomable in every way,

but I have seen

that

it is, indeed, well.

Shine!

I know that, no matter what... no matter who you are... no matter how hard you have tried to hide it... there has been a moment where you have felt like you were on the outside.

It breaks my heart to see people feel that way, because no one should have to feel left out or alone. The other day I met a guy while I was at work and his response to what I was telling him struck me.

He was one of the "types" that people would say would "never amount to anything", that would "never care about the meaningful things" and certainly not the type that anyone would willingly approach expecting a response welcoming conversation.

Yet he stared attentively as I told him about the thousands of people in Sierra Leone that needed aid. And as I told him about the weight of the situation, I saw his eyes begin to water. 

"That's terrible... I really wish I could do something..."

Then he assured me he would be back to make a donation. And the tears in his eyes made me want to cry. There is just something so special about the heart of those who are too often misunderstood. 

But aren't we all longing for understanding?

Some, it seems, more so than others.

So, why do we insist on putting each other down and excluding our brothers?

I just pray that the flame that burns so bright in the hearts of those in which you would least expect it... I pray that the passion continues to burn brighter and brighter until the world is set on fire with love for one another.

What will it take?

It will take the attention of those with compassion and openness to draw out and point out the best qualities of others around them. It will take vulnerability. It will take love, true love... a love like Jesus showed... a love that will melt away the sorrows and cause a spark to ignite into a flame. 

We need change.

We need to stop being afraid to approach one another,

To stop judging because one person doesn't do things the way that another may do things.

It takes a realization that each person on this planet was created with a unique set of qualities, 

a beauty that is unveiled with a little encouragement and care.

------------------------------------------------------------

Just one look and I could see

There was something different

Different about the way that you 

Carried yourself

So many others tried to say that

You were different

That you'd never fit in

With the way that they

Went about doing things

But you never let it get you down

Oh, you should never let it get you down

Cause you are special

You are the only one

Of your kind

Let your fire burn 

Brighter

Let your spirit soar

Higher

Cause you were made for

Great things

I can see

You were meant to 

Shine!

Something pure. Something true.

What is love?

That question, reminiscent of a 90s house song... It holds so much weight. I bet many philosophers and laymen alike have pondered over centuries about the meaning of this word that is all too often thrown around.

Love...

It will bring you higher than the clouds...
Then have you plunging lower than the depths of the sea in a bewilderment,
wondering what went wrong and,
"if only things could be different would the outcome change?"

I know I'm not the only one who has wondered, "what am I doing throwing myself in front of buses for this person?"

It is this emotional wreck that comes from sacrifice and investment of time that has me contemplating why in the world, or even universe, would one ever put oneself through the torture.

There is beauty though. A certain beauty from pain that keeps the heart pumping, driven by each step towards forever or any hint of hope.

But does it even take a glimpse of that hope that there will be a future together? Is that true love?
A conditional clause dependent on reciprocation of emotions?

I am convinced that love is something more.

It is not simply flowery words that flatter and stir up emotion.
I believe it is a dedication, a learning experience, and a beautiful display of faithfulness and sacrifice.

I am starting to see that it takes a patient ear combined with a pensive and sensitive mind that considers the other's thoughts and feelings in the hardest of circumstances. It takes a commitment and a conviction that goes beyond the mindset that there is always something better and beyond the thinking that if things start to falter you can just move on. It takes forgiveness. It takes time.

Love is mysterious and we may never fully understand that grand mystery,
The force that compels young ones to travel great distances in an attempt to reunite,
The concoction that causes grown men to act like fools,
It may never be possible to put this concept into words that can accurately express the emotions it incites....
But it may always cause the world to stop and notice when the purest of loves is displayed.