From up above...

...I see,
stretches of fields
where I found provision,
blue skies that I thought were out of reach;
standing here on this mountaintop
I see
that the climb was great
but not at all impossible.

I stand on mountains of defeated doubts,
all the notions of can't-dos and won't-evers
I stand on generations of pain
the stereotypes and the never-amount-to-anythings.

I stand here with You,
the One who enabled me to climb these heights,
to conquer my fears,
to speak to my trials,
to say, "you don't own me!"

I stand and I sing,
sing of Your great love,
of Your heart that is for us,
of a love that stretches farther than the eye can see.

And from up here
Your glory is what I see.

Inadequacy

God has been gracious.

I've felt like such a mess recently. I hit a wall when I chose to stay up late to finish an assignment. The part I felt I messed up on was the staying up despite knowing it would throw me off and the fact that I should've planned ahead more. I'm never the best at structuring and scheduling time to do homework and it usually catches up to me at some point.

Today I had to discuss with my counselor being overwhelmed. It's so easy to become overwhelmed if you allow yourself to. It is always such a relief to discuss strategies that can combat this feeling. The biggest thing for me is reaching out to others. I need to humbly reach out for help and I find it comforting to know that there are people simply willing to listen and pray with me.  I've seen that throughout this discovery process. I am discovering more about myself and how I handle things. It is rough sometimes trying to articulate what I am feeling or thinking, but it is worth it to try.

My counselor always reiterates and rephrases what I say in such a way that is not demeaning. That in turn allows me to gain more insight and see what I wouldn't have before.

I think that is why I enjoy writing so much. I feel I can clearly and effectively get my ideas across. I feel I have more control and I can visualize and manipulate the words to my liking. Sometimes speaking is hard. Yet I wonder how many of those times are when I simply feel inadequate, when I actually have no problem. I say this because I know how many times God has said that He wants to use my voice. Logically, that means the enemy will do everything he can to make me not want to use my voice. And how many times have I been a Moses, saying, "oh, no, Lord, You could never use me!" ... Making every excuse in order to avoid humiliation when there is a greater issue at hand. What would have happened if Moses said, "no". Now this is hypothetical because God's will is always accomplished... But say no one stood up to take the lead. There was more at stake than Moses' reputation. There were many captives lives involved.

What I'm getting at has to do with something I heard at a church recently: we must "put God's calling before our excuses". After all, He is the one that sees the bigger picture. Trust is stepping out even when you can't see that bigger picture. We have to remember also that sometimes it's more than just about ourselves individually.

I have been terrible at being outward focused recently; I'm just going to admit these things. When I let my problems consume me, I leave no room to love, let alone think about another other than myself . I need a realignment and a fresh filling of His love. I am thankful for a love that frees and allows me to pour out into others.

Introduction to the Video Blog

I decided to start a video blog to go along with this written one. The link to the vimeo channel can be found here.

Challenges.

I am happy.

I promise.

But as you look at me you question it.

It's just hard when everyone else seems to have no difficulty enjoying themselves. I mean it shouldn't be hard to dance, and it's not that I don't have rhythm... it's just hard for me to focus and stay interested. Every time I jump up to join everyone I try my hardest to keep going, to seem like I'm having just as much fun, but it doesn't come as easy for me.

I force a smile to let you know I'm okay. Then I return to the table to watch from afar.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be a life-of-the-party type. I would have energy and confidence, and I didn't have to think things through. Now it seems as though every move must be carefully planned in this situation. I'm fine until I am surrounded by the crowd and the music blares.

Sometimes I just wish I could enjoy dancing again. I wish I could be as carefree as the others on the dancefloor. Why does something so simple have to be so difficult?

I still would never take back the struggles that I've faced but I just wish that the "me" that feels so deeply hidden inside would have its chance to spring forth and blossom, to return to its splendor.

Infinite embrace

Sometimes I wonder...

I think about my past and wonder why I have such a hard time trusting people. It's like one minute I'm fine, then the next I fall into distrust. I just want to be able to not have these burning doubts in my heart about people's intentions.

For one second I would like to have peace in my heart about relationships where I have no reason to believe that something is wrong. The problem is I get this idea in my head and then I have a reason to believe that something truly is wrong.

My biggest struggle is when I don't hear from someone. I take the smallest instances and blow them out of proportion.

Where does this come from?

I believe it is a seed rooted in rejection. That is exactly what I feel in those moments: fear of rejection.

What would it be like to let go?
To give over control?

Could I throw up my hands and allow the cool breeze of freedom to roll over my hands? Watch my cares drift away until they become delicate specks on the horizon?

Then would He reach for me?

I'd see my Father, arms outstretched to pick me up.

That's where I long to be.

Faith in the Unseen

How do I begin?

Do I start with a greeting? Just as I had greeted people before?

But that was not sufficient. It couldn't possibly describe me. It was a greeting that couldn't define me.

"Hi, I'm Sarah. I have bipolar disorder."

Yet, it seemed to sum up everything that I thought I was at that moment. I couldn't seem to see myself as anything more than a person who had bipolar disorder. My days were centered around it. When I faced challenges it had to be because I was bipolar. When I was feeling happy, it had to be bipolar disorder. All I could remember of my past when I talked to people were hospital stays and gaining weight. I couldn't seem to get any further than those major events when I lost my sanity.

Now I'm here, still trying to understand what happened and how I can deal with all of this. I don't feel I'll ever completely understand. That's where faith kicks in... faith in a God who has me in His hands, in a God who created me with care, who loves me and will never let me go. I have faith that He knows what He is doing and that His will shall be accomplished.