En tu eterno amor

Maybe it's because I'm up late listening to love songs...
Maybe it's that spot in my heart missing you.

I can't help but think about how I gave you my heart,
How I tried my best to love unconditionally...

Will there ever be
Someone who loves me
totally for me?

I could try and love again
I could completely take you and your family in...
but I feel my heart might burst,
if I had to take that chance again;
the chance that, that love may not be returned
in the same way.
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I have to trust
Be still, O heart
Trust and find
All you need
Here in the Savior's arms.

Symphony of the heart

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,And Your right hand will lay hold of me." (Psalm 139:7-10)
Your faithfulness, God...
Your faithfulness has proven to be something I can hold on to.

Remembering times with You
and times I thought I was without You
I see that You are here to stay...
You will never leave me.

There were times where I was full of Your Spirit.
It felt as if I was with You,
with You and only You...
The room closed in around me
and, as I lay there, Your joy began to fill my heart.
I had nothing left,
no words,
no thoughts,
other than that of Your praises.

I was with You and it seemed like it was for an eternity,
An eternity of sheer delight,
Not a moment of it dull.

Then,
there were times where I felt that Your Spirit was absent,
my heart a complete void
where You could not possibly dwell...
Is this what the psalmist referred to when he pondered
making his bed in Sheol?

Nothing could be more painful than
life without You.

Further and further I pushed You away
as condemnation taunted and fear persuaded.
There was no way You would want to be with me,
no way you could love that girl that was full of self interest and
that was prone to mistakes...

Still You pressed through the barriers
You tore down the walls
Just to get to Your beloved.

I remember the day You called,
still fresh in my mind...
rows and rows of wooden pews
covered in purple velvet cushions,
I pressed my hands against the cushions and
set my church shoes on the carpet
as I began to rise,
not knowing quite what was in store.

A call
to come and know the Savior of the World,
to come and take the free gift You offered,
Your gentle arms beckoning.
The journey of a lifetime
I was about to embark on.
Little did I know that I would be here, now.

You called me to embark on a journey,
You called me from a place of death and
brought me into life,
A life full of freedom and joy.
Why do I tend to forget that you have paid it all for me?

Yet,
You continue to sing over me,
starting a new measure with each repeat
After each slip up
I pick up where I left off
You fill in with notes of grace
And a beautiful melody arises

I am starting to remember...
Remember that You are the composer.
You are the one with the vision
You are the one with the wisdom
You know me,
the instrument,
all too well.
So, with Your breath filling my lungs
I swell up with Your love
I pour out a tune
with a few quirks from the defects
and things that need to be tweaked.
You see no big obstacle,
Only a few tune ups.

This song,
It brings you great joy
As each new note hits Your ears.
And You take great delight in writing,
flooding empty pages with new notes,
A symphony of grand proportions,
a diverse convergence of flavors and styles from many places.
All the world is an orchestra,
A mash up of many many instruments
Each with their own piece
In this neverending story of love.

11

Dawn

Sometimes I feel like saying,
"You don't know what it's like!"

You don't know what it's like to feel trapped in a reality you can't seem to shake no matter how many times someone tells you the truth.

These thoughts return from afar. Dragging their feet like zombies... You fill with terror as they trudge into your sanity. Death is the only fruit that these sorts of thoughts can bring.

"Remember child,
This battle is not of flesh and blood,
Equipped with truth and all authority,
You fight from victory."

Just when will your kingdom come?
Lord, we long for your returning...
More than a glimpse of Your glorious train.

We need you, Jesus,
To come wipe the tears...
To restore all that has been broken.

Para mi amigo querido...

The battle is real.

Today I witnessed a part of it.

I watched as my friend teared up and looked down while I placed my hand on the door.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore..."

He had not said many words with that simple phrase, but the weight of them carried on the air in the room and I knew immediately the feeling... a jarring feeling of being lost and disconnected, almost like riding on the teacups at a carnival.

You're on a ride that you can't get off of until it stops and as you spin, the world keeps spinning onward. They've all got their pace and everything seems to fit into perfect place for them. You want to tell them that you're starting to feel sick and the initial joy has worn off, but if you shout then your screams will be lost in the wind and become incomprehensible.

That's the way that I felt when I was dealing with depression.

The most drastic case of this happened when I tried a new form of medication. I was walking back to my dorm and all of a sudden everything felt like a dream. I looked to the street to seek help, but the only people around were in cars and they were all staring at me with these deep piercing stares. I tried to break their gaze but every time I looked each passing car was full of onlookers. I stumbled with my groceries, step by step to the crosswalk. I reached into my pocket for my phone and managed to dial my friend at school. She asked with concern if I needed a ride, but I was almost there. I told her to stay on the phone with me a bit and I crossed the street, trying my best to ignore the staring passersby.

To feel disconnected,
To feel lost,
To feel like there is no hope...
To lose the feeling of being connected to your cherished God,
is the worst feeling on the planet.

To feel these things for yourself is terrible,
To watch a friend suffer through the same thing
kills you.

I never want to see anyone I love face the terrifying pain of depression or mental illness.
It is the hardest because everything seems fine at one moment,
then the next...
they are lost,
drowning in the perilous sea of deceitful thoughts.

To be strong,
In a time when you want to fall apart,
Is the hardest.
When you watch the tears form,
When you watch a smile fade to a frown,
It is the most difficult thing to hold it together;
To turn around and say,
"Let me pray for you."

Everything inside wants to fix whatever is wrong,
Too many questions arise...
"God, why?"
These questions turn to
"God, we need more faith. Lord, help us to believe."

Jesus did help those who cried out for faith, and all that is truly required is a mustard seed.
And I know that it was Jesus that took my mustard seed and caused it to grow in that moment.
It was then that I was able to find the strength to keep my voice from wavering as I prayed. It was also then that I was able to remember the things that Jesus had carried me through: the words that He spoke, the promises that He made and the truth that He reminded me of.

There is a beauty in friendship. There is an even deeper beauty in the fellowship of believers. While one is weak, the other is strong. While one is struggling, the other keeps joy. And all along, I can see the Father delight in the way that His given love is shared amongst his children.

My Declaration (Full of Independence)

So, lately I've been thinking.

I was thinking that maybe what I know is not truly what I know.
Something within me was not in full agreement with what I found to be true.
I knew that my God was good, I had seen and experienced it, I believed it; but could this good God love me with an unrelenting love... love me, an un-put-together, exuberant at times, overapologizing, broken, wordy, fault-full one who makes messes often?

The truth is, YES, He does.
He loves me.
And I know that full well, but... do I truly know this and believe it with all of my heart?
I found that I didn't think I could fully accept it. I just wasn't at that point.

Then I thought up a solution...
a declaration...
what if, for thirty days, about a month, I declared the truth once a day, every day over myself?
Declared, not just read or restated, not regurgitated, not mumbled nor read with habitual motion; but shouted out, read with great joy, spoken with gusto, spoken so my two ears could hear from an insecure set of lips the words that my mind needs to remember, delivered with a confidence and passion that wells within, given by the Holy Spirit with a strength that comes from above...

That is what I have set out to do.

I challenge myself and others to make a declaration full of independence... to break free from the lies declared by the enemy, to stop the recording played over and over throughout the day, to find joy in recognizing who we truly are in Christ Jesus... who He has created us to be, the person and people that He has seen all along in His precious children. Let's gain a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective on the world. Let us draw near and draw near to one another as we delight in His delighted.

Here is my declaration, derived from the truth I wrote to dispell lies I recognized I was starting to believe about myself:

First and foremost--
I am loved.

I am never alone. Nothing can EVER separate me from His mighty love.
He will never leave me. God has blessed me with amazing friends who have already seen me through a lot, should I ever need someone He will be there and, just as before, He can send people into my life who will help to carry the burden.

Jesus took it all for me. I need not worry about rejection or abandonment. He is the great high priest that experienced it all for me. Should the world reject me, count it all joy... it shall be for Christ's sake and for His glory.

I am accepted in the beloved.

I AM fearfully and wonderfully made.
There is no one like me and there never will be.
No one else can love God like I love Him.
I was made unique in His heart.
He takes great joy in the way that I uniquely worship Him.

I am a child of God. I was adopted into His family, now a part of His glorious kingdom.
I am part of a wonderful family of believers.
I AM LOVED.
I AM ACCEPTED.
I am His beloved princess in whom He takes great delight.
I am not too much!
I am just enough,
perfect in the way that He made me.
He created me with joy.
He took great care and delight throughout the process of creating me.
He thought of me long before I was born and He thinks of me constantly to this day.
I am loved.
I am Sarah King, a daughter of the King. My Abba is proud of me!
He loves me not for what I do, nor what I have done, but for who I am, not who I will become.
He loves me now, with a love that will not change.
There is not one thing that I can do to make Him love me more, nor is there one thing that I can do to make Him love me any less.
He loves me, because... He loves me.

I rise...

... above these mountains that tower before me,
Rise,
despite the calls from the fears that sit comfortably, lounging in the back of my mind.
I will rise and I will continue to rise,
no matter the unsurmountable challenges that come.
Too many times have I began to
dance with the thought of
giving up.
No longer will I entertain the doubts that draw me back to
feelings of defeat.

Here with you

Looking back on life...
I am amazed.

I am amazed at how I could come from the place I was at...
To the place I am at now.

Because the place I was at before was dark...
So dark.
There was an absence of hope, joy and love;
There was nothing but
fear...
Fear and condemnation:
The constant nagging of a
"You'll never be good enough"
"You're not worth a thing"
Dare I say
"You can never reach God,
He no longer cares for you."
I hated it, I hated myself for not having the motivation to try and fix it.
What was I to do?
What did I have the power to do if my God no longer resided in me?

Lies,
They were all lies...
Powerful lies,
Lies that would entice and beat you into submission,
But they were lies nonetheless
And lies hold no power against
the reach of my Almighty Father.

He still reached me,
When lies seemed to drown out His familiar voice,
He still got a message of love through.

"I will rescue you!"
"I've never left,
Here I stand,
Here with you."

And that is why I am here...
Where I am today.
Though the alternate reality still hangs behind,
Eager to drown out His voice once again...
I shake away those lies and revel in the glory and joy that
Life with my Savior brings.