I trusted you.

"Well you built up a world of magic... because your real life is tragic."

For some reason, lately...
Songs have been permeating my soul.

They seem more real than they have ever been.
My emotions raging...
"threatening the life they belong to..."

But it's way past 2AM,
and I'm still awake...
this time not writing a song.

Trying to make sense of these last few days...
And why everything seems to be falling apart.




WHY

WHY when I have tried to do nothing but love and show that I cared...
WHY would you dare tell me that I am not being considerate?
That I am being irrational...
I don't quite know how rational you are being.

Seems hypocritical, huh?

But you wouldn't know about that...
as you tell me to "quiet down"
"don't raise your voice."



I'm not! I'm not!
I'm trying... I'm trying to hear you.
To understand where you are coming from.


We've been friends for so long...
Good friends.
Great friends.

WHY.
WHY now?
WHY this?



WHY
when I need you the most..
when I tell you one thing that I have just.. like thirty minutes ago...
one thing I finally decided to open up to someone about.
Besides my dear, Jesus.

He's always been there.
And... no... the person I first confided in...
It wasn't you.

You seem mad.
WHY
Why would you be mad when I ask for a hug...
the one source of comfort I know would help...
but I wanted to find comfort in another's arms...
That hurt.
I know it did.
But it was purely friendship.


I don't know WHY
WHY you see things this way.

WHY
take it out on me...
The one you "care" for so deeply.

I'm done.
I'm through.
Can't deal with you.

I refuse to be controlled.
I hope you don't read this.
I refuse to be manipulated to the point of deep sorrow
once again.

This time by a dear friend,
not loved one.

Psalm 55
I know David was hurting when he wrote this.
I feel every bit of his pain.
And I relate.
Just as I relate to these songs.

This will never be the same.
Can it ever be the same?

I don't want it to be the same.
Cause you're not who I thought you were.

Falling further

I started off my day by being upset... actually pretty angry...
I found myself harboring anger,
this time, not directed too much at man...
but at the enemy.

Regardless,
It is anger.

Ain't it funny how you feel as though you're slipping away, or
falling further
from God
in some sense...
like everything is against you and you should be totally upset with Him...
but then you realize,
everything that the enemy has tried to throw at you,
has led you back to
Your perfect Father in heaven.

And no matter what anyone says or does...
it seems to no longer affect you...
cause you're stronger.

Then I realize...
maybe that's why I went through all of this.
Just to be closer to You.
Jesus.

Cinema Verité Life

For you filmmakers out there, this blog title may ring a bell and stir up images of an unblemished, untampered with life that is examined through a lens. For the rest, maybe the avenue and medium of music will draw up clearer images. I know that today it did for me:

"When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

And I know this disconnected feeling. Whether it be with mental illness... or as a friend of mine shared about his experience as a veteran and the surreal life he lived whenever he returned home. Whatever it be, there is this feeling that cannot be easily described. And, at least to me, it was never welcomed or enjoyable.

I would yearn for the moments where connections were made and the day felt as if the moments that occured were worth living and being lived in the moment.

How do I delve deeper into the metaphors?
To long to take the pain, as long as it was something real, rather than just "living"... that was a battle.
But it was the life blurring by and swirling around in the guise of a movie that got me the most.

I was under some sort of fog. A plague of darkness that I hadn't told to leave and to put it in its place. There were compartments of "hurt and confusion" "guilt and shame" and "critical vs. self-critical" areas. During the process of breaking free these past couple of years, God has shown me that I "[can't] let this hurt and confusion take the place of my God." Meaning, the things that take up my time and the things that dominate the thinking in my mind are going to come from God, not my emotions.

But, God...
"Picked me up,
Turned me around...
And He placed my feet on the solid ground."

My mourning to joy... My guilt and shame to boldness and weightlessness... My anxiousness, to peace and feelings of abandonment to pure confidence in acceptance through the Body of Christ.

There is love.
There is rescue.
There is hope.

And, boy, if you haven't seen it yet, it's going to be GLORIOUS.

the rest of me

Too many times I have seen people give up on one another.
When the going gets tough...
The tough gets going.

We, oftentimes, choose to run away from problems and confrontation that is necessary for growth. And too many times we choose to place our full reliance upon the people around us, the substance of the love that we feel from God and not the source... our Heavenly Father.

I refuse.

I refuse to go on that way.

I've learned an important lesson. I can't place my hopes in the hands of man. I can't entrust my all... my desires, my dreams, my thoughts and wishes to the feeble and broken creation. It is the Creator, who knows me full well that deserves the keys to my deepest dreams and visions, along with the rest of me.

It pains me to see people get upset when other people fail them... and, yes, I have been there myself... But watching from the outside is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. The shock covers you as you, knowing the outcome, brace yourself for the impending and inevitable impact.

Will we ever make a shift from a race that makes complaints about their neighbor and how that person can benefit them, to a people that turns to their God with boldness and full confidence that they can come into His presence and find true rest an acceptance?

"The Lord is for me, I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

Fearless.

"One day I'll stand before You, look back on the life I've lived... I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit."

It's always crazy when you do stop and look back...

I'm seeing more and more of God's faithfulness as I take the time to review past experience.

What seemed like it was utter chaos turned out to be wonderfully reordered to work for my good.

So, I take a moment to pause now. 

And here  in this moment there is peace.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should there be this peace, 

A resting under the shelter of my Father's wing?

When everything tells me that I should be grobbling on the floor because the outcome seems hopeless.

But there is hope.

There is always hope.

The best kind of hope trickles down from a well-polished patience,

A perseverance that truly is "longsuffering". 

For when you feel like everything is falling apart...

It may just be 

Falling together.