A psalm of desperation

Lord, I feel so weak. I’m stumbling over words, I keep making mistakes, I feel I can’t stop crying. I tried to be open, to be transparent with humility and I feel like I am being crushed. I don’t feel like any one understands. And it’s true. No one understands me like you do.

I just want to be completely healed. I want to experience this life I’m living to the fullest. God, I don’t understand why I have to go through this. I went through a lot already and I just want this part to end.

I want to be able to be full of you, to the brim. I want to be able to function at normal speed, to be able to think without feeling like my thoughts are jumbled or backed up in my head. I want to be able to be full of excitement and no hesitations... with nothing holding me back, not lethargy, not fear, not side effects. 

I see that You have brought me far. And, my God, You have never failed. It was always at the time and the moment that I could not see Your hands holding me. But now I see, You were there with me. 

You welcomed me with open arms when I was full of fear and had been running for days. 

You gave me wisdom when my enemies tried to mislead me and destroy my heart.

You comforted me in times of doubting and in feelings of rejection.

You sent friends my way that could cheer me up and tell me that they were in it with me until the end.

You gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning. I prayed that the doors of my past would shut; and, as long as I held Your hand, we walked through open doors.

Now I feel as though I'm turning to the closed doors again... returning to sit in the prison that I was freed from.

Yet, I remember Your words and I hear You calling me to freedom. 

"The door stands open. I see you dancing. Take my hand, I'll lead you through."

God, I want to dance with you!

Lead me to your streams overflowing, cool and refreshing and the green pastures where I may feed and rest in Your presence. 

Oh, how I need You, Lord.

Not going back

Today I heard a word on not letting the past define you.
So many times I have made excuses...
"I was diagnosed..." "I haven't done that in years..." "When I was in the hospital..."
or even, "my medicine makes me..." (not necessarily about the past, but still something I let define me that really does not)

The easy thing to do is to always make an excuse for why you can't do something.
Though it may be harder, I have found it much more rewarding to push past the "I can'ts" and the "I've nevers". It is the boldness and perseverance that the Lord has been cultivating in me that has brought me this far.

Trust me. It is not easy at all.

There are so many times I have wanted to give up and just be lazy. There were times that I thought all of the effort I had put in amounted to nothing.

Another thing that I had been working on had been openness. I learned that bringing things to light can be painful and terrifying, but healing. In this pushing forward and "pressing on toward the finish line", I have learned much the same. It has been painful and terrifying, but healing and, like I said, rewarding. The reward of knowing that I glorified the Father in what I did is worth much more than anything else.

I find it hurts much more to look back and realize that I had held back on what I could've done. In fact, part of what plagued me when I was hospitalized was a flood of memories of times that I could've done more. The accuser attacked me with so much, saying I had done wrong. The beauty of God's grace, now I'm finding in His love, is that He gives us many "second chances". I am ever grateful for His love and that He, our Father, is the judge; that He sent His Son to take our place. Beautiful.

What was beautiful about today was the singing congregation. And the songs that we sung were amazing. So profound.

Again, I think... what if we actually took the power in the words of the songs that we sang to God and put them to action.
I guess that is why we sing those words. It reminds us of who we are, who our God is and the truth found in His Word.

Today we sang about how God is more than able...
that is why we are able to be more than conquerors, I thought to myself.
He enables us to do so much more than we could have ever imagined we'd do.

It is so easy to live in the past and make excuses, but I don't want to take that route. I want to live in the unexpected, uncharted waters; wherever He leads me. I trust that He has a path for me that is better than I would've planned for myself.

I know that it will be difficult at times, but I want to trust in Him with all that I have.

Hope.

The other day I was reminded of my last hospital visit.

Instead of disappointment or sad memories, I was filled with hope.

"I think you're okay now," my friend said with such innocence.

I smiled.

I knew that God would deliver me from it all someday, but that someday is feeling more and more like any day now compared to the distant future that I had once hoped in.

To see how far God has brought me has been tremendous.

I still think about my pastor telling me, "when that day comes, you'll know."

Oh, the joy that will fill my heart with that certainty!

Don't get me wrong. There is still that lingering fear that something will suddenly happen again. Then I will feel as if all progress was lost. But what I have learned is that all is not lost. Indeed, it will most likely knock me off of my feet, yet when you're knocked down all you must do is get back up again.

I've learned that everything that has happened has made me stronger... wiser... and more appreciative of life and full of joy. Looking back, now, I see that I can handle things that I could not before. Though I still may not be as fast at completing tasks as other people, or do them the same way as other people I do not get discouraged, as I used to. Now, I observe. I learn from mistakes and learn more about myself. Most of the time I learn that the way I am looking at things is skewed and that I actually can do tasks efficiently if I don't overthink it and let discouragement get to me.

I used to think, "what did I do? I must deserve this." Then I am reminded of the man born blind in the gospel of John. And I remember Jesus' heart. I know my Jesus, and my God, and I know that he does not place sickness on people as punishment; but went around healing and speaking to broken hearts. Everyone in that day, and the disciples were expecting there to be some reason, some thing that the blind man did to deserve this. I don't claim to know everything about suffering, sickness and how it all works. What I do know is that we are all undeserving and that our great God chooses to show us grace. This has all come through a lot of time spent struggling and waiting upon the Lord. I know that I must continue to renew my mind and press in to Him.

He is the source of my strength. He says," My grace is sufficient."
So I hold on. No matter what happens, I trust in Him.

I know what the world will try to tell me, and even some believers... but I hold on to hope and keep faith that my God will bring me total healing.

Your Grace

You gave Your life for me
You came down
You poured out
Everything.

It's by Your grace
by Your grace, I live
by Your grace, I live in abundance of freedom and joy.

It's by Your love
by Your love, I am compelled
by Your love, I move and live and breathe.

It's by Your mercy
by Your mercy, I am set free
by Your mercy, I am redeemed.

Your power lives in me
Your love it covers me
Your glory is all I see