From commonplace to mad one.

Today, I awoke with joy in my heart. It was late in the day, when I would usually wake up frustrated with myself because I had wasted all chances of productivity. Not today. Today, I was simply happy to be alive. The storm had passed and I was ready to move on. It was time to rebuild; not to add on or reconstruct what was previously standing. This was the day for something new, something that would withstand the coming storms.

Now that my mind is free and all is well, I must brace myself. I must not become complacent. That is the one thing that bugs me about the periods of calm: the gaps where desperation and persistence in prayer are missing. If I could only find the middle ground. If only I could live on fire, a fire that burns until the end. That is my desire… to be a mad one.

There have been many mad ones; the ones who aren’t afraid to speak up, the ones who love without limits, the ones who give until they have nothing left to give, the ones who believe in the generations after them, more than they believe for their own generation. These are the ones that we marvel at their stories for years to come. Yet, some go unheard of by many. Regardless, this perpetuation undoubtedly was not easy to achieve.

I look back on the most difficult times of my life and how, without knowing, I was prepared for those moments. I was taught to be thankful, to connect with others, to be vulnerable and open and to grow in trust. It took some great amount of time to have the kind of transparency that I admire in King David of the Bible, and still I don’t come close. I began to see, as I made mistakes and shared my hurts, that as I shared with others I closed a gap that the enemy had tried to create. I saw that this honesty allowed it to become easier when it came time to share again. I also saw that as I grew closer to my friends and family, I wanted their support during these hard times. Soon, I found that they, too, had hurts and concerns they could relate to with me.

The kind of trust I referred to before is not only a trust in God, it is a trust in myself as well and how God can work in and through me, if I let Him. I discovered that there was a power in the value you place on your own self. This realization came one day when I shared with a friend in a painful transparency. He looked at me across that cold, hard table in the library and I squirmed in my uncomfortable chair worried that someone might overhear part of my life story. Yet, when my friend said these words, I no longer focused on the commotion about me.

“You need to value yourself more. You need to value the things that you say.”

It was then that I realized I had not placed any value on my own words. I had downplayed the things that I said and I had come to believe that, therefore, I had no value. I had begun to think of myself as an annoying gnat and as someone who could not be taken seriously. Of course, these were all lies, but I chose to believe them. At some point, while I was down, I heard a taunt and I started to believe words from enemy lines.

“You’re not a leader! Look at all those flaws! Some day someone is going to see one of those and you’ll be disqualified.”

“You think you are strong! You are always crying. People see you as the weak and emotional one. You are all over the place.”

“You’ll never get to where you wanted to be. Look at how many times you have messed up. You might as well give up.”

Then God started shedding light on the truth.

If I am so small, why would the enemy be trying so hard to quench my fire? If I truly am powerless, why would the enemy have to send so many of his forces to try to destroy me?

And as I started to see myself more as my Father in heaven sees me, I started to step out with more boldness and confidence. Singing no longer became a fear, but a joy. That was another concept that struck me. Singing is something beautiful and one thing that uses the life-giving breath we receive from our Father to pour out praise to Him in return. That would be another thing that the enemy would want to prevent. I heard it said, “Why do you think so many people are afraid to sing in front of others?” The truth is, not only do words have power, but, even more so… praise blows away barriers.

Yesterday, I was lost in a sea of confusion and pain. I chose to cling to the complaints that made me entitled.

Today, joy came with the morning. From a fresh perspective I arose. I had fallen down, but I chose to get back up.

It may be hard, but I refuse to live comfortably, ignoring the difficulties that could help me learn how to be stronger and more refined. Today, I choose to stand tall. I will burn, burn, burn. I will go out like a fireworks display, burning bright, burning strong… shining beautifully. I will forever be a mad one.

Stronger

Looking back,

I see a lot more now than I did before.

I thought that I was stumbling through a mess at times.

Though I would like to say that I put my complete trust in God at all times,

I can't say that I did.

But it's okay... He had me.

He has always had me.

Life, life with God, and God Himself

are all a mystery to me.

I do know one thing though...

Looking back and looking at other stories

I start to see that He knows exactly what He is doing.

He knows me all too well.

He knows and perceives my thoughts from afar,

which must mean that it's like when a friend knows exactly what I'm about to say.

And He still trusts me.

I said all of this to say that I think that the things that I just previously wrote about... 

the events that feel like chaos to me...

He's got it all under control.

You may look at all of the circumstances I described and still be unsure about the declaration I just made, but if you have experienced His love and sovereignty in this way you would be able to agree.

I love how Plumb wrote about it in a song. She described a parent holding his newborn in his arms. There must be a time to grow up, but watching from afar the Father ensures His child's safety and knows that the things that the child experiences will make them stronger and wiser.

Had I not experienced what I did, 

Had I not come face to face with my fears 

... and come out victorious time and time again...

I would not be as strong as I am today.

Move in me.

It's taken me a while to get back to writing...
Some of that due to life circumstances and some of it I am starting to think is a fear of sitting with my thoughts.

I have been yearning to write this or something like this for a while now, though. I have known that there is missing dialogue within the church and even regular community about mental health and how to "deal with" those struggling through mental illness.  We may talk about it like it is some nebulous thing that no one ever has to go through but the truth is, there are so many struggling with either anxiety, depression, or some aspect of mental illness.

I have found through the years that many people have good intentions in the advice that they give, yet, at times, the advice can be harmful. I have seen and heard all kinds of advice. I have received advice that dampers my hope of ever being "normal" and I have received advice that leads me to making unwise decisions with medication. Ultimately, though, it has always been my choice and my responsibility to take everything before God in careful consideration.

While I understand this aspect of taking things into prayerful consideration, I also understand that there will be those, young and learning, that will not instantly do the same. I have not always been that way either and, of course, I am still learning and gaining experience. In a way, learning these things through my own experience has been extremely useful and impactful, but as always we have hopes after going through a painful experience that others can learn without having to go through the same amount of pain. I tend to talk about all of these things with ease now, but please do hear me when I say that these experiences have been frightening and filled with anguish. I feel blessed to be able to voice these things now, in hopes that someone will gain encouragement from the things that I write.

Writing has been a process and I guess that is what I enjoy about it. I don't quite know what I will unearth or discover but it seems to bring about healing (so this is my precursor to tell you to get ready to join this process).

I know that there is not necessarily one person that has it all right. For this reason, I am going to pull from the wise words and perspectives I have picked up on over time to share with you what I feel useful on the journey with mental illness and the healing found in Christ Jesus.

One of the first things that I want to share may seem simple, but it is that this journey is indeed that: a journey and a process. I am not negating the fact that God can heal miraculously and in an instant, but I have seen in my life that there is a process, especially when it comes to things that deal with the mind. There may be thoughts that were placed there and I refuse to claim ownership of them, but I do need to take control of the thoughts that are mine. Without getting into too much theology and what I think about the cause of mental illness (which I don't claim to have all figured out), I do believe that the enemy of our souls will try his best to invade and lay claim to whatever ground he can take... and the mind is a battlefield. I have told my mother before that sometimes I think that there is no amount of physical pain that can compare with the battle that waged in my mind. It is one that is turbulent and has the capability of ending your grace-given life on earth.

The reason I believe in healing is not merely because of things I have heard, or even the stories I have read in the Bible. While these stories do fill me with faith and hope, there is nothing like living and experiencing healing on your own.

When I was first diagnosed, I had anxiety and panic attacks that seemed to come from nowhere. I had a few small anxiety attacks and two panic attacks but refused to let that be my norm and continued to pray through them.

The story that I cling to though was when I was in the psychiatric ward for the first time. I do believe that there is a spirit of fear as the Bible mentions. I had run up against it a few times and called it out once and watched it leave. Without fully realizing that is what I was up against at the young age of 16, I realized that I had been running in fear without coming to God for help. So, I got down on my knees in the white-washed room that I had once been afraid to be alone in and I began to pray. One cry out, an audible prayer and upon the name of Jesus everything else faded away.

It doesn't end there though.

You may think that it got easier after that. But life isn't something that we can fit into a neatly packed and decorated box. In fact, I'm not sure that we know what kind of box it fits into. One moment we think we have it figured out, then the next something else is thrown at us.

I do know that when I began to change my perspective more and more on how God saw me and on His character, I saw the greatest amount of growth. One time I prayed with a leader. I wanted to know whether or not I should continue medicine as I made a transition into a new part of life. I was shocked at God's immediate response...

"I made you perfect inside and out."

Perfectly done. I held onto it. He spoke to my heart that day. And I felt a bit like the woman at the well. Jesus saw past my complaining and my hurt. He knew that I needed to know that no matter what decisions I made, no matter what I was going through, nothing could negate that he made me perfectly for a purpose that I did not yet understand. I was a perfect fit for what this world needed at this moment and I didn't need to go trying to fret and worry over who I needed to become.

Then, I made my way to Fearless LA.

It seemed that there was a whirlwind amount of things swirling around me. I had gone through a large amount of hurt that had nothing to do with my diagnosis, but it was weighing on me and I was surprised that it had not caused a breakdown. I originally came off of my medication around this time because I heard from the Lord. While I wasn't clear on whether or not I was supposed to end my medication at this time, there was a good outcome. I had been on a medication that I did not realize was the thing causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts.

For the first time in a while I was able to be bold and full of joy. I went for a while living fine but then spent two nights without sleep and ended up having irrational thoughts in another episode.

I was so upset at myself, thinking that I had moved backwards. I thought that I had heard God encourage me to trust Him completely. But had I thought about what that means.

Does trust mean you have to throw off everything that aids you that you might rely on God?
Or is it a matter of choosing to follow a Father that knows what is best and can see everything, whether or not you fully understand everything that is going on?

I listened as over time, God revealed many things to me through sermons and things friends would say. Did you know that Moses struggled with something all of his life, something that he thought hindered him from being used effectively?

God tried many times to tell Moses not to worry but to rely on him. In our weakness, He is made strong. Yet, I just wanted all of this to be over. I thought that I would no longer be able to take it. But, God knows. He knows exactly what we can take. As I read Ezekiel for the first time I saw that God trusted him with some things that He knew only that prophet would be able to stand. Then I started to believe that God knows exactly what He is doing. And like a "green banana" that my pastor preached about this week, I started to think... maybe the things that I had been trying to push, and even heard God on, were things that I needed to hold on to hope for, knowing that they are approaching but that the time is not yet right, or ripe.

I think that so many times I had tried, and even with full faith that God had healed me, to push something that had not yet arrived. I have come so far from the place that I was years ago, but I do not think that God cannot use me with a diagnosis of mental illness. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite... I believe that he can use me more through my experience and despite illness. He moves in power and might and teaches through elements that seem unusable. I have full trust that my God will move in me.