_______

I know what I said.

That doesn't make it easy.

"Lord, whatever may come,

The way things are now,

or if I have to go back...

I know that you will see me through.

You are the same, either way, and I will praise you and follow you."

Mental illness, taking medicine, figuring your way through a place no one knows the answers to or has a guide that gives those answers we so long for... it's never easy.

Right now, and a lot of times I wake up lacking energy to actually get up. The worst feeling is the "block".

There is this feeling of feeling

blank.

The lack of feeling.

I'm still here, but I'm trapped, and no one can see that person...

Just the blank one.

The worst is reaching out to Jesus.
I try.

I pray.
I wait.
I sing.

But it's just never the same.

Sing, my soul!
O, how I love singing, but I can't...

I just can't connect.
I feel lost.
I hate this feeling.

I don't want to go back. I want to move forward.

But where do I go from here?

How do I possibly get out of this place?

I sing songs in the desert... in every season.

Shalom.

For so long my heart had yearned for the words,
A way to describe this desperation...
Shalom.

And there it was, as soon as I discovered that desire of the Father's heart... I knew.
I knew that was it.
This is what my heart has been screaming!

When I fight for my brother or sister, to restore broken relationships, no matter the dissonance...
When I shed a tear for the child across the globe who is wondering when he will live a normal life...
Whenever I share my meal, knowing that another meal will be needed in a few hours (another "hand out")...
When I smile, eyes closed as I worship my Jesus with my brothers and sisters surrounding me...
Now I know why.

I know why my heart pounds.
I know why things seem lacking at times.
I know why broken relationships trouble me.

Cause we were never meant for something less.

Now I pray...
Lord, help me.
You have given me a heart for justice;
A boldness to stand apart,
To be different,
To be a voice.

Help me
To be patient,
To be strong,
To be longsuffering.

My life...
"Such a tiny offering,
Compared to Calvary.
Nevertheless...
I lay it at Your feet."