In the watches of the night

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." (Psalm 63:5-7 ESV)

It's one of those nights when I had coffee too late...
But I am reveling in this time with my Father.

Tonight, I took things to him in a way that I haven't in a while. I trusted my Jesus, recognized that He was the only one who could help me in this and He showed up. For the first time in a while I heard Him delight in me, with clarity. I heard and felt His great love for me.

Tears of joy couldn't be stopped from streaming down my face as I listened to songs of praise and meditated on the works He has done. I couldn't help but smile as His joy radiated from my heart. The salt of tears was not an unfamiliar taste at this time but instead of a cool sting they left warm trails on my face. I was finally back to my Father's beckoning arms.

Renewal

I have heaped failure into an immeasurable wall... And I thought it was impenetrable. The only thing that could keep me from You is... myself. Even that was hard. Condemnation and lies beckon, my mind would start to sway; but You always call me back again.

I see a girl who messes up, You see Your daughter who does everything she can to please You. I see someone who couldn't possibly lead, You see a broken vessel, ready to fill. I see a girl full of imperfection, You see the one You love in every way.

Jesus, tear down "these walls I built between You and me". They are nothing but walls and You, the Creator of my heart. You wove me and have known me from the very start.

I made an exception.

Sometimes gaining trust involves healing... And finding someone who will stick with you through the healing process is something special.

I know that God sends people your way to help you through life and teach you things, so that you may walk through life with them. I just feel infinitely blessed.

I cry thinking about how fortunate I am and how one of my friends was mistreated. I don't know why I am so fortunate and blessed but I want to "not be blind with privelege" and have "eyes to see the pain". I want to help those who are hurting and need hope.

Going through this process of allowing someone to gain my trust and healing has been hard. I feel like at times I will be let go of or tossed aside if I do something wrong. Then I remember God's love for me and I know that this guy is not looking for my slip ups. I am thankful for the way that he cares, even in subtle ways.

He makes me smile.