Your light reaches... but I can only see so far.
(https://www.flickr.com/photos/brandonhirsch/)
Excitement rushes through my veins. I breathe in the cool, brisk air of adventure. Fear is but a driving factor as I navigate through the caverns.
Darkness surrounds me, but I have an assurance. I have promise of the other side and a heart full of exhilaration. O, the journey that awaits!
These past couple of weeks I have been faced with darkness and doubt that I have not experienced my whole life. I found myself asking why these questions were in my heart or why they were surfacing and why now?
Then I realized, just as Nehemiah faced mocking from Sanballat, when you are making the most progress or when you are doing what is right in the face of wrongdoing you will face opposition. Sometimes life seems ironic or paradoxical. Things that should go one way, go another. At the most inopportune moments, the unexpected happens.
And the worst of all...
Sometimes the battle is all in the mind.
Around me, the sun shined, but the cave surrounded my mind and the darkness clouded out the view.
I couldn't understand why those thoughts were happening when my life was pleasant. Then I began to see others' posts and hear of others' struggles. I always knew that the things we faced individually would one day help others corporately. In fact, I held on to that as part of what spurred me on. Jesus, my anchor, the thought of helping others to freedom, my goal;and the vision of seeing His kingdom come, my song. Music lifts the spirits and inspires. If I had a theme song it would consist of folky stringed instruments and people harmonizing as if they were one voice.
Sometimes I think of the verse in Proverbs 31 about laughing at "the time to come" and it strengthens me. The chapter is iconic and what most Christian women hope to be and for some reason, this verse sticks with me. Maybe it's the season I find myself in... emboldening, strengthening, and growing in maturity. I no longer have the choice to cower, but stand firm and refuse to be shaken in the midst of these taunts and distractions.
The battle of the mind is never an easy one, but the most rewarding thing in it is realizing the progress and how far from "Egypt" you have travelled. No longer a slave to fear, I shake off the doubt and shame. When pressure arises, I press in to my Father; my guide and Savior who is greater.
I find myself in the heart of the caverns at times. The walls seem to close in. But I know You are near, and the Light of Your Truth is my guide.
