After a few days of chaotic frustration I have come to a place of peace.
Yet, I realized... I must have felt the confusion that many feel and have felt before. And my heart broke for those who can't get past the frustration of feeling that the God of the universe is too distant and out of reach.
I wrote in a journal:
"You say, 'Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.' Well I've tried so many times to draw near..."
"Where are You?!" my heart cried.
I knew from experience that I had a faithful God, so I kept talking and waiting. He was right there all along. I cannot explain how He blessed me today and reminded me that He was there in His inexplicable way.
I know now to hold on. Hold on despite feelings and circumstances. Hold on when all seems lost. I know and remember that I am outrageously loved, that a God not only loves me but liked me enough to take an immense amount of pain, every sin and the weight of it all on the cross for me. He takes delight in me and wants me to see myself in the light that He sees me.
That is going to be hard, to see myself through His eyes. It is going to take renewal of the mind and strength that only He can give. It is going to take pressing in with an utter honesty. It is going to take humility. But His love, knowing Him... trusting Him is worth it.
